Of course all the caffeine came back to bite me about 3 miles into my run tonight in the form of a horrifying case of the runs. Luckily the bathrooms along the lake path are open now (bonus: it's early enough in the season that they're under-utilized, hence have toilet paper!) and after a little trip, I was fine for the last 6 miles. I'm still buzzing a bit from my morning caffeine infusion, but I'm off to read my Bankruptcy hornbook, which should put me to sleep.

When I woke up around 7:30 I felt like death. I had that horrible groggy, dehydrated feeling you get when you wake up from a too-long nap taken too late in the day -- when, if you had held off a couple of hours you would have slept through the night. So, instead of dragging my behind out the door, I did some work and watched the Yankees lose, ceding sole possession of first place in the AL East to the dratted Red Sox. Finally, around 10:15, with promises that I only had to do 5 miles if I wasn't feeling well, I dragged myself down to the treadmill. As always happens, once I got going I felt fine so I ended up doing 8. Tomorrow I have 8 in the morning or early afternoon, then I'm in the weight room/on the treadmill in the early evening... in theory.

Running is feeling comfortable again, and I've graduated to the 15-lb. dumbbells in the weight room. I'm still galumphing along, but I'm galumphing a little faster than I had been. Today, when I hit the point where I usually turn around on my hour-long out-and-back, I still had a minute to go and I wasn't working as hard as I have been of late. I figured that I had the wind at my back and was worried that I might end up postive-splitting the run (my goal is always to negative-split my out-and-backs), but when I turned around I discovered that wasn't the case. The wind was doing something (I never quite figured out what), but it wasn't in my face. I actually ended up negative-splitting the run by a minute. Yes, fitness is returning.

I think that tomorrow I'll have to go in the other direction on my out-and-back to discourage racing myself. I just can't help it: if I run in the same direction tomorrow that I ran in today, I will have to go further than I did today. I also need to quit eyeing the 20-lb. dumbbells. So tempting, but completely antithetical to what I'm trying to accomplish, as a long distance runner, with my lifting.

As I clumsily galumphed through my 8 miles this evening, I kept picturing Barbaro's effortless power. I wanted so badly to feel it flowing through my own legs, as it does (on a much more limited scale, of course) on the good days(the ones that always take me by surprise, and make all the hard work worth it) when I'm in great shape.

I'm still really sore from my return to the weight room. I ended up running 2 miles, doing a modifed circuit using Nautilus machines (because the free weight room apparently closes at 10, a detail I had failed to note), then running another 7 last night. I'm mainly concentrating on leg exercises -- trying to build up some leg strength so when I start doing faster stuff again the workouts will be that much easier. Right now it's hard to wrap my mind around the idea of going to the track and doing intervals since just running feels like a workout.

Ok, I'm off to send some mental energy E.'s way then hit the hay.

E., you've trained so hard and you're so ready. I can't wait to see how you do!

It's also a somewhat inspiring idea for my legal writing -- both scholarly and utliltarian. I generally find legal scholarship and legal vocational writing tedious: because of our common law system, there isn't much room for originality. You can't just "write what you think" (an allusion to Bridget's blog entry from last weekend, for those who follow her blog; for those who don't, you really should); every legal statement you make must be supported by precedent, duly referenced. I tend to get so bogged down in finding precedent to support my case or argument, or trying to make my case or argument fit the precedent I lose sight of the fact that my motion or memorandum is my chance to become a voice in the judge's head. Although it will always be constrained by precedent, my writing will be more persuasive if I don't allow my voice to be stifled entirely. The same rhetorical devices I used to employ for persuasive effect in critical essays in college and graduate school will have similar force in my legal writing. Keeping this in mind will make me a much better (and happier!) legal writer.

Sadly it won't make me a better runner, so I guess it won't solve all my problems. However the insidious layer of blubber that has appeared seemingly over night has awakened in me a burning desire to get myself back into kick-ass shape. I've observed that the amount of junk food I consume is inversely proportional to the amount of exercise I do. I suppose I'm just an endorphin junkie, and when I'm not getting enough endorphins from running, I turn to chocolate. Hence the rapid-onset blubber problem.

When it first appears, I find the flab, or loss of muscle tone, somewhat fascinating in a revolting, car-wreck way. But the fascination only lasts for about 24 hours. Then I realize that I don't like being out of shape and I start taking all kinds of drastic measures... like -- gasp! -- lifting. Yup, I made it to the weight room yesterday. I took advantage of the great weather and ran for an hour outside in the afternoon, then in the evening hoisted a pair of wimpy 10-lb. dumbbells (hey, it's been about 9 months since my last trip to the weight room; there were no 12-lbers and I decided I wasn't yet ready for the 15-lbers) through a circuit of 3 sets of 10 military presses, lunges, curls, rows, and toe-raises. I also did a few sets of squats, quad extensions, and hamstring curls. Then I ran two miles on the treadmill in an attempt to prevent the inevitable debilitating soreness that happens when one returns to the weight room after a LONG hiatus. I don't think it had much effect, as I got progressively more sore (but it's a satisfying soreness, a soreness I like) as today wore on. When I hit the treadmill for 8 miles at 11:30 tonight, I was kicking myself for not running earlier in the day when I was less sore (and when I could have run outside). Can't wait to get back in the weight room tomorrow!

Preparing myself to be by turns amused and harried, I marched on toward them, grateful that I only had a couple more "on" intervals left in my 10x1:30 on/off workout. To my complete astonishment, I didn't hear a single rude, vulgar, obnoxious, or taunting comment. Not a single one. Two miles of high school boys, at times taking up the entire path, and not a single offensive word directed my way. I was impressed. (For those who were wondering, they were out there doing some sort of fund-raising walk -- I asked one of the boys because I was curious.)

As I was leaving the path at the tail end of my cool-down, I encountered an Amish family on their way to the path. One girl, about the same age as the boys they were, little did they know, about to join looked slightly askance at my micro-mini-shorts. I came up with three possible reasons why she may have been scandalized: 1) I had committed the sin of not looking in the mirror before I left my apartment (you know what I'm talking about: people whose outfits are so horrifying in terms of what they reveal that the only possible conclusion is that they failed to look at themselves in the mirror before they left home -- people who, say, go out in a belly-shirt revealing a wide swath of jiggly, untoned belly drooping over straining jeans); 2) she was scandalized by my outfit because she was Amish; 3) she was scandalized by my outfit because she was a teen-aged girl. I finally decided to go with option 3, remembering my own teen-aged horror of running shorts. I was wont to wear even my big soccer shorts with biking shorts underneath, and would never consider wearing my uniform shorts without biking shorts or tights. I don't think I ever actually wore running shorts outside of a meet situation until my junior year in college. What silliness! Now, of course, it's running shorts any chance I get, and the shorter the better!

The workout wasn't great: I felt out-of-shape and my quad bothered me. Of course, the burning quad was far less troubling today since I was actually running hard (so it was SUPPOSED to be working hard), but the strain I felt was still out-of-proportion to the effort I put in. I need to make another appointment to get the source muscle well-stretched and remember to ask for some good stretches I can do to keep it limber. Despite it all, it felt good to do some faster stuff.

1. I AM A SPOILED BRAT
My life thus far has been incredibly easy. I've gotten nearly everything I've ever wanted, sometimes through sheer stubborness, but most of the time without very much effort. The few major disappointments I've suffered have been, for the most part, of the blessing-in-disguise variety. If I'm being completely honest, the only thing I've ever really had to work at is running, which is why I think it's such an indelible part of me.

2. I NEED TO RUN
Not just run; I need to run to the best of my ability. Running is the thing that makes me me. Without running, I am average. While I'm an average runner, running makes me a not average person. But I don't enjoy running unless I'm running well, so I need to make time and expend the effort to run well.

3. I AM NOT A CITY PERSON
This is one of the harder things I've had to admit to myself. Frankly, it's quite a blow to the image I have of myself as a tough, gritty New Yorker. On a more serious note, it also means admitting that I'm not going to be happy living in New York or other big cities for the rest of my life, which complicates things given my chosen career path. However, I am definitely happiest in the mountains, or in more rural places where I can step out the door onto dirt roads or soft trails. I think the reason I'm so dissatisfied living in Chicago is that I'm not a city person and it doesn't share the conveniences and perks that make New York bearable (close friends and family nearby, excellent public transportation system, relatively easy access to good running places, etc.).

4. I AM RUNNING OUT OF TIME
Both in terms of running and in terms of life in general. I probably only have 2-3 more years that I'll be capable of running PRs. And, as for the rest of my life, there's so much that I want to do, I don't know how I'm going to fit it all in. Kind of makes me wish I had figured out what I wanted to do with my life sooner, instead of frittering away my 20s (not that I'd ever give up some of the experiences I was lucky enough to have while I frittered -- how could I ever regret anything that put me in the Yankees locker room after a World Series victory?). There are things that are important for me to do career-wise (along the human rights dimension), but which I can't begin to do without "experience." At the same time, I'd like to have a family. At this late stage, it seems unavoidable that I will have to simultaneously juggle career and family aspirations (hypothetical family aspirations -- as my mom keeps pointing out, first I have to meet someone I'd want to spend the rest of my life with... which just isn't an option at the moment as I barely have time to prepare proper meals with my law school busy-ness). Had I gone to law school straight out of college, I could have kicked my career into high gear as soon as I graduated from law school, gotten my "experience," then taken a step back to raise a family, then moved on to what I ultimately want to do career-wise.

So much for the life update. The running update: I went to Active Body Chiropractic (the ART people recommended by a couple of people -- thanks!) and the chiropractor I saw there appears to have identified the source of my quadricep problem. This seems miraculous to me because I'm so accustomed to being disappointed by doctors who can never seem to accurately diagnose, let alone fix my over-use injuries. It seems that a muscle or tendon that runs from my thigh through my groin and attaches somewhere in my abdomen is very tight. This, combined with my running style (I run almost exclusively on my toes), is putting a lot of strain on my quad. Stretching out that muscle/tendon really DOES make the quad problem go away. I was running today on the treadmill at "easy" (8MM) pace when after about 10 minutes my quad started burning. I suffered until I had run three miles, then I stopped and stretched and, miracle of miracles, the burning never came back, even when I dropped the pace to 7MM for the last couple of miles. Happiness.

In other news, I confirmed yesterday that I am depressingly out-of-shape. I ran a half-marathon. My plan was to pace my friend E. as kind of a dry-run for the marathon we're going to run together in a month. But she started feeling bad about half way through and told me to go ahead because she didn't want to feel as if she had to keep any particular pace. At that point, I should have picked it up, but I just didn't -- maybe because I was already used to a slower rhythm. And when I finished I seriously questioned whether I could have. Then, on the VERY easy 4-mile add-on run I did later in the afternoon with my friend A., my right quad kept burning so badly that I had to stop several times. Ditto on my easy run this morning. All very frustrating.

Running... I've been a bit under the weather for the last week or so (I think I've had the super-mild version of the 'flu that you get if you've been vaccinated), so my runs have been a pretty draggy business. A little distressing because I was looking forward to getting some good trail runs in while home for spring break. I did a tempo workout yesterday (20 min. T/10 min. E/10 min. T) on cool, dark, silent streets. It's so nice to be able to do a workout outside at 10:30 at night and feel perfectly safe. When after 10 PM you have to get your gatorade from the neighborhood gas station quicki mart through a drawer similar to those at bank drive-thrus from an attendant who shouts to you through thick plexi-glass, it's pretty tough to feel comfortable running the streets (or even the lake path).

Today I did 7 and 1/2 in Central Park with my friend E. The run capped off a fun day of bridesmaid-dress-shopping (E. is getting married this summer), marathon expo-going, and frozen custard-hunting with my two closest friends. Ever since I had some frozen custard last year in the midwest and raved about it, my friend E. has been determined to find some in NYC and try it. Turns out the only place to get frozen custard in NYC is "The Shake Shack" in Madison Square Park (they also were apparently awarded the prize for best burger in New York in 2005 by New York Magazine, a fact I wish I had known before I ate a rather indifferent turkey sandwich for lunch). So, after some dress shopping and lunch, we headed to "The Shake Shack" and E. got her frozen custard. That turned out to be our most successful venture of the day, as we never found a dress we liked, and our projected 10-miler got reduced to 7.5 so we would have time to have dinner with our friend J. before she had to rush off to the opera. So, in all, I guess we accomplished pretty much what we set out to accomplish.

Today was one of those days where I felt pretty awful -- it was a struggle just to get out there. Definitely a day where I would have liked to have company. I was hoping for, at the very least, an easy run, but when the wind is blowing like that even running slowly requires a decent effort. I ended up with a little over 8 in a little under 64, but my pace varied widely -- at some points I felt as if I was running in place.

I felt slightly better about being blown around when I realized while driving later that my car was having a hard time holding its own. My car weighs more than I do. And has a lower center of gravity. Ok, short one because I want to get up early to do some trail running in Wisconsin tomorrow.

I also have a history of having my best workouts and races following exams; all that adrenaline that had nowhere to go suddenly finds an outlet and I just go. To wit: I ran my high school mile pr in the middle of my AP Chemistry exam (don't ask); I ran what was then a cross-country pr my freshman year of college despite a nasty head cold the afternoon of a calculus exam; I ran my still-standing 3K pr unchallenged in the rain the afternoon I took my GRE; and I ran what is still the hardest track workout I've ever done the evening of my MCAT. Hm. This little retrospective also seems to indicate that I've taken an awful lot of standardized tests.

Anyway, tonight was no different. I hit the pavement in the warm (60+ degrees!), moist darkness, pointed myself toward the skyline, and just let go. My workout was 2x15 min. + 1x 12 min. tempo with 3 mins. jog recovery between. I felt great, only held back at times by the nagging burning in my right quad (reminding me that I really need to start lifting so I can strengthen that quad). And toward the end of my last tempo portion, the heavens let go as well, putting on a water and light show for my enjoyment. The rains came late enough in the run to refresh but not make my shoes squelchy.

The workout wasn't as steadily-paced as I could have hoped -- I probably ran anywhere between 6:30 and 7:00 pace during the tempo intervals, depending on what my quad was doing at any given stretch. But it was nice to put in some quality, and to get outside and just channel all that pent-up adrenaline.

Now I have two weeks free and clear to mend my wicked ways (i.e. the terrible eating and sleeping habits I fell into the past couple of weeks in preparing for exams).

No stormy run for me tonight, though. I'm just sitting here, post-run, enjoying the show. I came home from my Tax exam starving, so I ate and then passed out on my couch for a couple of hours. When I woke up, I had no energy and a lot to do, so I decided to bag any workout or run. But around 11:30 I started feeling bad about that so I dragged myself downstairs to the gym to do 8 miles. It ended up being 2 miles + 3 miles + 3 miles because my stomach was acting up. A treadmill plus factor is that you can stop your run at any point and there's a bathroom right there. So, I got in 8 easy around my trips to the facilities. Right now I plan to do a workout tomorrow.

For some reason I was feeling annoyed at the presence of others in the gym tonight. As people came in, I would think to myself, "Who are these crazy people who are coming to the gym when it's practically midnight?" Toward the end of my run, when it was pushing 12:30, I realized that I finally had the gym to myself. Only then did it occur to me that that probably made me the craziest of the bunch.

I've been struggling a lot with motivation of late. As much as I've always said that I run for myself, if I'm going to be completely honest I'm going to have to acknowledge that that's total hooey. I started running on the track team in middle school for college admissions counselors (my mom: "You're going to need to do a sport if you want to get into a good college"). Then I ran because it made people notice me. I was completely invisible in high school until I started winning races. Then, suddenly, all these people who hadn't known I existed wanted to be my friends. For the first time, I felt included and valuable, rather than someone standing on the fringes and observing. For the first time, I had something valuable to contribute: whatever points I could win, whatever I could contribute to the team. Contributing to the team, not disappionting other peoples' expectations, and attracting the attention of particular individuals (usually of the opposite sex... I'll admit it) continued to be my main sources of motivation throughout high school and college. I enjoyed winning races and improving my times, but a large part of my pleasure in my victories and improvements was derived from the fact that other people valued these things. When I ran my marathon PR, in October of 2004, my thoughts as I passed the half marathon mark were, "I can't implode because E. (my brother) is following me online and he's going to see my projected finish time and be all excited, then be disappointed if I don't finish within a reasonable proximity of it." As it turned out the online splits were for some reason way off so E. in fact thought I had decided to run the marathon as a workout (an option I had been considering). My dad was super-impressed by my second half "1:12," though.

Now, I have no team to contribute to, no one to impress, and no one with any expectations. So, I guess this is part of my problem in motivating myself to put in the work to run fast -- it's so much harder to do it for myself than it is to do it for other people. I enjoy running, and I enjoy being in shape to run fast; it feels so much better than galumphing along at a pedestrian pace. However, to a certain extent my racing well has only been valuable to me insofar as it was valuable to other people. I've always depended on motivation from without, and in its absence I have to find motivation from within and that has been my struggle of late.

I am, however, motivated to at least get myself into decent enough shape that I can comfortably pace my friend E. through her goal marathon time. She has run the highest mileage of her life the past two weeks and though she often expresses frustration at the way her workouts go, her fitness continues to improve. Her impressive long/MP run this past weekend has lit a fire under me -- I'm beginning to think that rather than pacing her I might end up struggling to keep up with her. I think she'd enjoy that. I think I'd enjoy that.