The Rat Race

Awesome, awesome blog entry! You are always so entertaining :) I used to loathe buffett, but my twin sister is a total parrotheat and she embodies the Buffett philosophy perfectly. I also have a soft spot in my heart for "One Particular Harbor" since I tend to exist mostly in my head as opposed to outside of it in the "real world." "A Pirate Looks at 40" always makes me smile and so does "Cheesburger in Paradise." I mean, who gets famous for writing a song about a fabulous cheeseburger?!

Thanks! Ditto for your blog entries.

I also love "Cheeseburger in Paradise"... I especially like the version on this album because at one point instead of saying, "Cheeseburger in Paradise," he says, "Cheeseburger is Paradise," a sentiment closely aligned with my own. I'm glad your Parrothead sister has made you a Buffett convert.

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It was the experience of mystery -- even if mixed with fear -- that engendered religion.

A low voter turnout is an indication of fewer people going to the polls.

The cry has been that when war is declared, all opposition should be hushed. A sentiment more unworthy of a free country could hardly be propagated.

The Bible was a consolation to a fellow alone in the old cell. The lovely thin paper with a bit of matress stuffing in it, if you could get a match, was as good a smoke as I ever tasted.

Once you've written TBicycle, you never forget how.

How wrong it is for a woman to expect the man to build the world she wants, rather than to create it herself.

Throughout American history, the government has said we're in an unprecedented crisis and that we must live without civil liberties until the crisis is over. It's a hoax.

Anyone who starts a sentence, 'With all due respect ...' is about to insult you.

Object-oriented programming is an exceptionally bad idea which could only have originated in California.

All are lunatics, but he who can analyze his delusion is called a philosopher.

Chaos Theory is a new theory invented by scientists panicked by the thought that the public were beginning to understand the old ones.

Copy from one, it's plagiarism; copy from two, it's research.

Statistics is like a bikini. What they reveal is suggestive. What they conceal is vital.

Before C++ we had to code all of our bugs by hand; now we inherit them.

Everything secret degenerates, even the administration of justice.

There are only two ways to live your life. One is as though nothing is a miracle. The other is as though everything is a miracle.

A coward is a hero with a wife, kids, and a mortgage.

Clothes make the man. Naked people have little or no influence on society.

Silence is argument carried out by other means.

Nothing is wrong with California that a rise in the ocean level wouldn't cure.

If it weren't for electricity we'd all be watching television by candlelight.

Patriotism means to stand by the country. It does not mean to stand by the president or any other public official...

It was God who made me so beautiful. If I weren't, then I'd be a teacher.

It is dangerous to be sincere unless you are also stupid.

The great thing about a computer notebook is that no matter how much you stuff into it, it doesn't get bigger or heavier.

Don't be so humble - you are not that great.

Maybe this world is another planet's Hell.

I'm very proud of my gold pocket watch. My grandfather, on his deathbed, sold me this watch.

Honolulu, it's got everything. Sand for the children, sun for the wife, and sharks for the wife's mother.

So I was getting into my car, and this bloke says to me

Ask people why they have deer heads on their walls and they tell you it's because they're such beautiful animals. I think my wife is beautiful, but I only have photographs of her on the wall.

Tact is the ability to tell a man he has an open mind when he has a hole in his head.

I hear Glenn Hoddle has found God. That must have been one hell of a pass.

Pascal /n./ A programming language named after a man who would turn over in his grave if he knew about it.

My advice to you is get married: if you find a good wife you'll be happy; if not, you'll become a philosopher.

We must all hear the universal call to like your neighbor like you like to be liked yourself.

Java: the elegant simplicity of C++ and the blazing speed of Smalltalk.

If there is no God, who pops up the next Kleenex?

When choosing between two evils, I always like to try the one I've never tried before.

Programming is like sex: one mistake and you have to support it for the rest of your life.

Raymond's Law of Software: Given a sufficiently large number of eyeballs, all bugs are shallow.

It is much more comfortable to be mad and know it, than to be sane and have one's doubts.

If the automobile had followed the same development cycle as the computer, a Rolls-Royce would today cost $100, get a million miles per gallon, and explode once a year, killing everyone inside.

Everything secret degenerates, even the administration of justice.

We totally deny the allegations, and we are trying to identify the allegators.

Ketchup left overnight on dinner plates has a longer half-life than radioactive waste.

Finagle's Law of Dynamic Negatives: Anything that can go wrong, will -- at the worst possible moment.

Give me chastity and continence, but not yet.

Never raise your hands to your kids. It leaves your groin unprotected.

Puritanism: The haunting fear that someone, somewhere, may be happy.

My current job sucks so hard, black holes are going green with envy.

Do illiterate people get the full effect of alphabet soup?

Before C++ we had to code all of our bugs by hand; now we inherit them.

If it wasn't for lawyers, we wouldn't need them.

Pascal /n./ A programming language named after a man who would turn over in his grave if he knew about it.

It was the experience of mystery -- even if mixed with fear -- that engendered religion.

Hofstadter's Law: It always takes longer than you expect, even when you take into account Hofstadter's Law.

The competent programmer is fully aware of the limited size of his own skull. He therefore approaches his task with full humility, and avoids clever tricks like the plague.

Who are you going to believe, me or your own eyes?

First they ignore you, then they laugh at you, then they fight you, then you win.

It was the experience of mystery -- even if mixed with fear -- that engendered religion.

Puritanism: The haunting fear that someone, somewhere, may be happy.

After every 'victory' you have more enemies.

Copy from one, it's plagiarism; copy from two, it's research.

If you try and take a cat apart to see how it works, the first thing you have in your hands is a non-working cat.

Ever notice when you blow in a dog's face he gets mad at you, but when you take him in a car he sticks his head out the window?

The true measure of a man is how he treats someone who can do him absolutely no good.

Friends may come and go, but enemies accumulate.

TV is called a medium because it is neither rare nor well done.

One out of every three Americans is suffering from some form of mental illness. Think of two of your best friends. If they are OK, then it must be you.

They laughed when I said I'd be a comedian. They aren't laughing now.

It's wonderful to be here in the great state of Chicago.

Copy from one, it's plagiarism; copy from two, it's research.

A [pseudo]random number generator is much like sex: when it's good it's wonderful, and when it's bad it's still pretty good.

The purpose of computing is not numbers but insight.

In theory, there is no difference between theory and practice. But, in practice, there is.

The only difference between me and a madman is that I'm not mad.

The use of COBOL cripples the mind; its teaching should, therefore, be regarded as a criminal offense.

Argue for your limitations, and sure enough they're yours.

I have six locks on my door, all in a row. When I go out, I lock every other one. I figure no matter how long somebody stands there picking the locks, they are always locking three of them.

A radioactive cat has eighteen half-lives.

Computer dating is fine, if you're a computer.

Ah well, then I suppose I shall have to die beyond my means.

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If we knew what it was we were doing, it would not be called research, would it?

The pen is mightier than the sword, and considerably easier to write with.

An effective way to deal with predators is to taste terrible.

The secret of a good sermon is to have a good beginning and a good ending, then having the two as close together as possible.

Inanimate objects can be classified scientifically into three major categories; those that don't work, those that break down and those that get lost.

It's not that I'm afraid to die, I just don't want to be there when it happens.

Deliver yesterday, code today, think tomorrow.

It is a miracle that curiosity survives formal education.

A husband is what is left of the lover after the nerve has been extracted.

Richard Nixon is a no good, lying bastard. He can lie out of both sides of his mouth at the same time, and if he ever caught himself telling the truth, he'd lie just to keep his hand in.

Hofstadter's Law: It always takes longer than you expect, even when you take into account Hofstadter's Law.

Go on, get out. Last words are for fools who haven't said enough.

We are Dyslexia of Borg. Fusistance is retile. Your ass will be laminated.

Invading Iraq after 9/11 was like invading Mexico after Pearl Harbor.

A mathematician is a device for turning coffee into theorems.

You can only find truth with logic if you have already found truth without it.

Tact is the ability to tell a man he has an open mind when he has a hole in his head.

My opinions might have changed, but not the fact that I am right.

The full use of your powers along lines of excellence.

We don't make mistakes, we just have happy little accidents.

Imitation is the sincerest form of television.

Real Programmers always confuse Christmas and Halloween because Oct31 == Dec25 !

UNIX is basically a simple operating system, but you have to be a genius to understand the simplicity.

Minsky's Second Law: Don't just do something. Stand there.

If there is no Hell, a good many preachers are obtaining money under false pretences.

Biologically speaking, if something bites you it's more likely to be female.

The worst barbarity of war is that it forces men collectively to commit acts against which individually they would revolt with their whole being.

Giving birth is like taking your lower lip and forcing it over your head.

We need either less corruption or more chance to participate in it.

O'Toole's Corollary of Finagle's Law: The perversity of the Universe tends towards a maximum.

The belief in the possibility of a short decisive war appears to be one of the most ancient and dangerous of human illusions.

Hi there, what's up you guys???

Either he's dead or my watch has stopped.

The difference between pornography and erotica is lighting.

The role of the president of the United States is to support the decisions that are made by the people of Israel. It is not up to us to pick and choose from among the political parties.

Love: The warm feeling you get towards someone who meets your neurotic needs.

I have come to believe that the whole world is an enigma, a harmless enigma that is made terrible by our own mad attempt to interpret it as though it had an underlying truth.

Computers are useless; they can only give you answers.

A great many people think they are thinking when they are merely rearranging their prejudices.

Not even computers will replace committees, because committees buy computers.

First they ignore you, then they laugh at you, then they fight you, then you win.

I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.

It's not the size of the dog in the fight, it's the size of the fight in the dog.

Whether you think that you can, or that you can't, you are usually right.

It is now possible for a flight attendant to get a pilot pregnant.

The optimist proclaims that we live in the best of all possible worlds, and the pessimist fears this is true.

All sorts of computer errors are now turning up. You'd be surprised to know the number of doctors who claim they are treating pregnant men.

Love is the answer - but while you're waiting for the answer sex raises some pretty good questions.

Maybe there is no actual place called hell. Maybe hell is just having to listen to our grandparents breathe through their noses when they're eating sandwiches.

Learning is what most adults will do for a living in the 21st century.

Men have become the tools of their tools.

War doesn't make boys men, it makes men dead.

We don't make mistakes, we just have happy little accidents.

There is a charm about the forbidden that makes it unspeakably diserable.

A lady came up to me on the street, pointed at my suede jacket and said, 'Don't you know a cow was murdered for that jacket?' I said 'I didn't know there were any witnesses. Now I'll have to kill you too'.

Basically, I no longer work for anything but the sensation I have while working.

We're going to turn this team around 360 degrees.

What is morally wrong can never be advantageous, even when it enables you to make some gain that you believe to be to your advantage.

Build a man a fire, and he'll be warm for a day. Set a man on fire, and he'll be warm for the rest of his life.

If Tyranny and Oppression come to this land, it will be in the guise of fighting a foreign enemy.

C++: an octopus made by nailing extra legs onto a dog

Researchers have discovered that chocolate produces some of the same reactions in the brain as marijuana. The researchers also discovered other similarities between the two but can't remember what they are.

There are some experiences in life which should not be demanded twice from any man, and one of them is listening to the Brahms Requiem.

A bird in the hand makes it hard to blow your nose.

Lohr's Law: The future is merely the past with a twist — and better tools.

Good teaching is one-fourth preparation and three-fourths theater.

I don't believe in the after life, although I am bringing a change of underwear.

Those are my principles. If you don't like them I have others.

Getting an education was a bit like a communicable sexual disease. It made you unsuitable for a lot of jobs and then you had the urge to pass it on.

The only difference between me and a madman is that I'm not mad.

Everybody's worried about stopping terrorism. Well, there's a really easy way: stop participating in it.

I wouldn't mind dying - it's the business of having to stay dead that scares the shit out of me.

You'll notice that Nancy Reagan never drinks water when Ronnie speaks.

I am ready to meet my Maker. Whether my Maker is prepared for the great ordeal of meeting me is another matter.

If the brain were so simple we could understand it, we would be so simple we couldn't.

If the brain were so simple we could understand it, we would be so simple we couldn't.

If the brain were so simple we could understand it, we would be so simple we couldn't.

Education is a progressive discovery of our own ignorance.

Barabási's Law of Programming: Program development ends when the program does what you expect it to do — whether it is correct or not.

If it wasn't for lawyers, we wouldn't need them.

I'm not going to have some reporters pawing through our papers. We are the president.

Now, now my good man, this is no time for making enemies.

Future historians will be able to study at the Jimmy Carter Library, the Gerald Ford Library, the Ronald Reagan Library, and the Bill Clinton Adult Bookstore.

Eternal nothingness is fine if you happen to be dressed for it.

The music business is a cruel and shallow money trench, a long plastic hallway where thieves and pimps run free, and good men die like dogs. There's also a negative side

Humor is the only test of gravity, and gravity of humor; for a subject which will not bear raillery is suspicious, and a jest which will not bear serious examination is false wit.

Not everything that can be counted counts, and not everything that counts can be counted.

We all agree that your theory is crazy, but is it crazy enough?

There's many a bestseller that could have been prevented by a good teacher.

It's clearly a budget. It's got a lot of numbers in it.

The purpose of computing is not numbers but insight.

I agree with the reforms, but I want nothing to change

Many journalists have fallen for the conspiracy theory of government. I do assure you that they would produce more accurate work if they adhered to the cock-up theory.

I am ready to meet my Maker. Whether my Maker is prepared for the great ordeal of meeting me is another matter.

I'm Jewish. I don't work out. If God had wanted us to bend over, He would have put diamonds on the floor.

It has become appallingly obvious that our technology has exceeded our humanity.

It is dangerous to be right when the government is wrong.

There is no reason anyone would want a computer in their home.

Opportunities multiply as they are seized.

Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?

Anyone who considers arithmetical methods of producing random digits is, of course, in a state of sin.

The instinct of nearly all societies is to lock up anybody who is truly free. First, society begins by trying to beat you up. If this fails, they try to poison you. If this fails too, the finish by loading honors on your head.

I've just learned about his illness. Let's hope it's nothing trivial.

Humor is just another defense against the universe.

Instead, I was a painter, and became Picasso.

The artist is nothing without the gift, but the gift is nothing without work.

Hanlon's Razor: Never attribute to malice that which can be adequately explained by stupidity.

Conservatives are not necessarily stupid, but most stupid people are conservatives

I Can't Think Of Anything Reasonable To Counter Your Argument Or Don't Have The Least Inkling Of The Subject So I Will Resort To Name Calling And Hope I Can Get Away With It.

It is practically imposible to teach good programming to students that have had a prior exposure to BASIC: as potential programmers they are mentally mutilated beyond hope of regeneration.

The difference between pornography and erotica is lighting.

Imitation is the sincerest form of television.

Common sense is the collection of prejudices acquired by age eighteen.

One morning I shot a bear in my pajamas. How it got into my pajamas I'll never know.

Modern capitalism is not about free markets, it is about building sufficient mass that the market gravitationally collapses around you.

Support your local Search and Rescue unit -- get lost.

It is dangerous to be sincere unless you are also stupid.

The only difference between me and a madman is that I'm not mad.

Behind every great fortune there is a crime.

You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.

I don't know why we are here, but I'm pretty sure that it is not in order to enjoy ourselves.

Sometimes I lie awake at night, and I ask, 'Where have I gone wrong?' Then a voice says to me, 'This is going to take more than one night.'

Humor is the only test of gravity, and gravity of humor; for a subject which will not bear raillery is suspicious, and a jest which will not bear serious examination is false wit.

We're going to turn this team around 360 degrees.

If it wasn't for muscle spasms, I wouldn't get any exercise at all.

Is it not a strange blindness on our part to teach publicly the techniques of warfare and to reward with medals those who prove to be the most adroit killers?

A lie gets halfway around the world before the truth has a chance to get its pants on.

After I'm dead I'd rather have people ask why I have no monument than why I have one.

Too many pieces of music finish too long after the end.

Love: The warm feeling you get towards someone who meets your neurotic needs.

If absolute power corrupts absolutely, where does that leave God?

There is only one nature - the division into science and engineering is a human imposition, not a natural one. Indeed, the division is a human failure; it reflects our limited capacity to comprehend the whole.

Future historians will be able to study at the Jimmy Carter Library, the Gerald Ford Library, the Ronald Reagan Library, and the Bill Clinton Adult Bookstore.

There's no trick to being a humorist when you have the whole government working for you.

About the use of language: it is impossible to sharpen a pencil with a blunt axe. It is equally vain to try to do it with ten blunt axes instead.

Statistics is like a bikini. What they reveal is suggestive. What they conceal is vital.

Descended from the apes? Let us hope that it is not true. But if it is, let us pray that it may not become generally known.

The pen is mightier than the sword, and considerably easier to write with.

The wit makes fun of other persons; the satirist makes fun of the world; the humorist makes fun of himself.

I don't know anything about music. In my line you don't have to.

The truth is more important than the facts.

One word sums up probably the responsibility of any Governor, and that one word is 'to be prepared'.

A committee is a group of people who individually can do nothing but together can decide that nothing can be done.

Men are not disturbed by things, but the view they take of things.

A bird in the hand makes it hard to blow your nose.

Everybody wants to go to heaven, but nobody wants to die.

Many a man's reputation would not know his character if they met on the street.

I'm all in favor of keeping dangerous weapons out of the hands of fools. Let's start with typewriters.

Wit makes its own welcome and levels all distinctions.

Premature optimization is the root of all evil.

But at my back I always hear Time's winged chariot hurrying near.

Is it not a strange blindness on our part to teach publicly the techniques of warfare and to reward with medals those who prove to be the most adroit killers?

Manuscript: something submitted in haste and returned at leisure.

I'm fed up to the ears with old men dreaming up wars for young men to die in.

You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.

They couldn't hit an elephant at this dist--

Ah well, then I suppose I shall have to die beyond my means.

If everything seems under control, you're just not going fast enough.

My advice to you is get married: if you find a good wife you'll be happy; if not, you'll become a philosopher.

For centuries, theologians have been explaining the unknowable in terms of the-not-worth-knowing.

You got to be careful if you don't know where you're going, because you might not get there.

We should leave our minds open, but not so open that our brains fall out.

Roses are #FF0000 Violets are #0000FF All my base are belong to you!

Linux is like living in a teepee. No Windows, no Gates, Apache in house.

The difference between what the most and the least learned people know is inexpressibly trivial in relation to that which is unknown.

Politics is the art of looking for trouble, finding it everywhere, diagnosing it incorrectly, and applying the wrong remedies.

Momma always said life was like a box of chocolates. You never know what you're gonna get.

Imagine if every Thursday your shoes exploded if you tied them the usual way. This happens to us all the time with computers, and nobody thinks of complaining.

Why don't you write books people can read?

I've never seen anyone change his mind because of the power of a superior argument or the acquisition of new facts. But I've seen plenty of people change behavior to avoid being mocked.

Not only is there no God, but you try getting a plumber at weekends.

I have seen the future and it is just like the present, only longer.

If people are good only because they fear punishment, and hope for reward, then we are a sorry lot indeed.

They show you how detergents take out bloodstains. I think if you've got a T-shirt with bloodstains all over it, maybe your laundry isn't your biggest problem.

It's clearly a budget. It's got a lot of numbers in it.

Death is one of the few things that can be done as easily lying down. The difference between sex and death is that with death you can do it alone and no one is going to make fun of you.

Never raise your hands to your kids. It leaves your groin unprotected.

If there is no God, who pops up the next Kleenex?

There is no reason anyone would want a computer in their home.

How wrong it is for a woman to expect the man to build the world she wants, rather than to create it herself.

Friends may come and go, but enemies accumulate.

Humor is the only test of gravity, and gravity of humor; for a subject which will not bear raillery is suspicious, and a jest which will not bear serious examination is false wit.

A radioactive cat has eighteen half-lives.

Write a wise word and your name will live forever.

The graveyards are full of indispensable men.

In the End, we will remember not the words of our enemies, but the silence of our friends.

If Stupidity got us into this mess, then why can't it get us out?

I've always wanted to be somebody, but I should have been more specific.

Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, the other was eating fireworks. They charged one and let the other one off.

You'll notice that Nancy Reagan never drinks water when Ronnie speaks.

Is your argument that the Creator of the Universe was working under a deadline and His manager forced Him to rush inefficient designs into production?

I'm not under the alkafluence of inkahol that some thinkle peep I am. It's just the drunker I sit here the longer I get.

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We totally deny the allegations, and we are trying to identify the allegators.

Everything has been figured out, except how to live.

Should array indices start at 0 or 1? My compromise of 0.5 was rejected without, I thought, proper consideration.

Future historians will be able to study at the Jimmy Carter Library, the Gerald Ford Library, the Ronald Reagan Library, and the Bill Clinton Adult Bookstore.

Object-oriented programming is a style of programming designed to teach students about stacks.

Never interrupt your enemy when he is making a mistake.

Linux is like living in a teepee. No Windows, no Gates, Apache in house.

Egotist: a person more interested in himself than in me.

Subtlety is the art of saying what you think and getting out of the way before it is understood.

Not everything that can be counted counts, and not everything that counts can be counted.

I think 'Hail to the Chief' has a nice ring to it.

I don't know anything about music. In my line you don't have to.

If the United Nations once admits that international disputes can be settled by using force, then we will have destroyed the foundation of the organization and our best hope of establishing a world order.

Pray, v.: To ask that the laws of the universe be annulled on behalf of a single petitioner confessedly unworthy.

Learning is what most adults will do for a living in the 21st century.

Our government has kept us in a perpetual state of fear - kept us in a continuous stampede of patriotic fervor - with the cry of grave national emergency.

If you were plowing a field, which would you rather use? Two strong oxen or 1024 chickens?

Diplomacy is the art of saying 'Nice doggie!'... 'til you can find a rock.

The first half of our life is ruined by our parents and the second half by our children.

The use of COBOL cripples the mind; its teaching should, therefore, be regarded as a criminal offense.

I'm very proud of my gold pocket watch. My grandfather, on his deathbed, sold me this watch.

Quoting Coulter is kind of like quoting Joe McCarthy; no doubt it does well when you're pandering to a group of like-minded hate mongerers, but it earns you a well-deserved reputation as a vicious, mean-spirited airhead and intellecual lightweight in more analytical and dispassionate circles.

I failed to make the chess team because of my height.

There are only two tragedies in life: one is not getting what one wants, and the other is getting it.

Violence is the last refuge of the incompetent.

You can get more with a kind word and a gun than you can with a kind word alone.

The years of peak mental activity are undoubtedly between the ages of four and eighteen. At four we know all the questions, at eighteen all the answers.

We will not learn how to live together in peace by killing each other's children.

I don't know anything about music. In my line you don't have to.

Black holes are where God divided by zero.

I could not possibly fail to disagree with you less.

Whenever I climb I am followed by a dog called 'Ego'.

... one of the main causes of the fall of the Roman Empire was that, lacking zero, they had no way to indicate successful termination of their C programs.

The de facto role of the US armed forces will be to keep the world safe for our economy and open to our cultural assault.

If the automobile had followed the same development cycle as the computer, a Rolls-Royce would today cost $100, get a million miles per gallon, and explode once a year, killing everyone inside.

Why don't you write books people can read?

Chaos Theory is a new theory invented by scientists panicked by the thought that the public were beginning to understand the old ones.

It is better to be quotable than to be honest.

First you forget names, then you forget faces. Next you forget to pull your zipper up and finally, you forget to pull it down.

I think there is a world market for maybe five computers.

Hi there, what's up you guys???

Many a man's reputation would not know his character if they met on the street.

Attention to health is life's greatest hindrance.

He can compress the most words into the smallest idea of any man I know.

Attention to health is life's greatest hindrance.

Attention to health is life's greatest hindrance.

There are two ways of constructing a software design; one way is to make it so simple that there are obviously no deficiencies, and the other way is to make it so complicated that there are no obvious deficiencies. The first method is far more difficult.

Hi there, what's up you guys???

The belief in the possibility of a short decisive war appears to be one of the most ancient and dangerous of human illusions.

You can pretend to be serious; you can't pretend to be witty.

Each problem that I solved became a rule which served afterwards to solve other problems.

Education is a progressive discovery of our own ignorance.

Not everything that can be counted counts, and not everything that counts can be counted.

The power of accurate observation is frequently called cynicism by those who don't have it.

Because I do it with one small ship, I am called a terrorist. You do it with a whole fleet and are called an emperor.

Write a wise word and your name will live forever.

In all large corporations, there is a pervasive fear that someone, somewhere is having fun with a computer on company time. Networks help alleviate that fear.

It's wonderful to be here in the great state of Chicago.

A child of five could understand this. Fetch me a child of five.

The difference between fiction and reality? Fiction has to make sense.

Machine. Unexpectedly, I'd invented a time

The best way to predict the future is to invent it.

People demand freedom of speech to make up for the freedom of thought which they avoid.

The cry has been that when war is declared, all opposition should be hushed. A sentiment more unworthy of a free country could hardly be propagated.

Why did God create dentists? -- In his infinite love, he thought it would be charitable to His creatures to let them see what Hell is like, during their lives.

ASCII stupid question, get a stupid ANSI !

The graveyards are full of indispensable men.

It is only those who have neither fired a shot nor heard the shrieks and groans of the wounded who cry aloud for blood... War is hell.

Premature optimization is the root of all evil.

What I am against is quotas. I am against hard quotas, quotas they basically delineate based upon whatever. However they delineate, quotas, I think, vulcanize society. So I don't know how that fits into what everybody else is saying, their relative positions, but that's my position.

Humor is by far the most significant activity of the human brain.

Argue for your limitations, and sure enough they're yours.

So I was getting into my car, and this bloke says to me

Pray, v.: To ask that the laws of the universe be annulled on behalf of a single petitioner confessedly unworthy.

Having the source code is the difference between buying a house and renting an apartment.

Jesus may love you, but I think you're garbage wrapped in skin.

Never raise your hands to your kids. It leaves your groin unprotected.

The most likely way for the world to be destroyed, most experts agree, is by accident. That's where we come in; we're computer professionals. We cause accidents.

2 + 2 = 5, for extremely large values of 2.

I have made this letter longer than usual because I lack the time to make it shorter.

The worst barbarity of war is that it forces men collectively to commit acts against which individually they would revolt with their whole being.

When I am working on a problem I never think about beauty. I only think about how to solve the problem. But when I have finished, if the solution is not beautiful, I know it is wrong.

Future historians will be able to study at the Jimmy Carter Library, the Gerald Ford Library, the Ronald Reagan Library, and the Bill Clinton Adult Bookstore.

Humor is also a way of saying something serious.

Imitation is the sincerest form of television.

To understand a man you should walk a mile in his shoes. If what he says still bothers you that's ok because you'll be a mile away from him and you'll have his shoes.

To sit alone with my conscience will be judgment enough for me.

Ever notice that anyone going slower than you is an idiot, but anyone going faster is a maniac?

Quoting Coulter is kind of like quoting Joe McCarthy; no doubt it does well when you're pandering to a group of like-minded hate mongerers, but it earns you a well-deserved reputation as a vicious, mean-spirited airhead and intellecual lightweight in more analytical and dispassionate circles.

The secret to creativity is knowing how to hide your sources.

A doctor can bury his mistakes but an architect can only advise his clients to plant vines.

I have seen the future and it is just like the present, only longer.

Men and nations behave wisely once they have exhausted all the other alternatives.

In all large corporations, there is a pervasive fear that someone, somewhere is having fun with a computer on company time. Networks help alleviate that fear.

Build a man a fire, and he'll be warm for a day. Set a man on fire, and he'll be warm for the rest of his life.

The man who goes alone can start today; but he who travels with another must wait till that other is ready.

Computer /nm./: a device designed to speed and automate errors.

A scholar who cherishes the love of comfort is not fit to be deemed a scholar.

You have a cough? Go home tonight, eat a whole box of Ex-Lax -- tomorrow you'll be afraid to cough.

'Everything you say is boring and incomprehensible', she said, 'but that alone doesn't make it true.'

If there’s one thing I know it’s God does love a good joke.

I've had a wonderful time, but this wasn't it.

All are lunatics, but he who can analyze his delusion is called a philosopher.

The difference between 'involvement' and 'commitment' is like an eggs-and-ham breakfast: the chicken was 'involved' - the pig was 'committed'.

Manuscript: something submitted in haste and returned at leisure.

Politically Correct UNIX System VI Release notes

I have six locks on my door, all in a row. When I go out, I lock every other one. I figure no matter how long somebody stands there picking the locks, they are always locking three of them.

Lohr's Law: The future is merely the past with a twist — and better tools.

I hope life isn't a big joke ... because I don't get it.

In the begining there was nothing and God said 'Let there be light', and there was still nothing but everybody could see it.

Tragedy is when I cut my finger. Comedy is when you walk into an open sewer and die.

That is the saving grace of humor, if you fail no one is laughing at you.

Testing proves the presence, not the absence, of bugs.

The man who goes alone can start today; but he who travels with another must wait till that other is ready.

If all the world's managers were laid end to end, it would be an improvement.

ASCII stupid question, get a stupid ANSI !

If you want to make an apple pie from scratch, you must first create the universe.

A good sermon should be like a woman's skirt: short enough to arouse interest but long enough to cover the essentials.

Having the source code is the difference between buying a house and renting an apartment.

It is better to be quotable than to be honest.

Why do grandparents and grandchildren get along so well? They have the same enemy -- the mother.

The optimist proclaims that we live in the best of all possible worlds, and the pessimist fears this is true.

I'm fed up to the ears with old men dreaming up wars for young men to die in.

The competent programmer is fully aware of the limited size of his own skull. He therefore approaches his task with full humility, and avoids clever tricks like the plague.

I admire the Pope. I have a lot of respect for anyone who can tour without an album.

He is one of those people who would be enormously improved by death.

Talk sense to a fool and he calls you foolish.

It is practically imposible to teach good programming to students that have had a prior exposure to BASIC: as potential programmers they are mentally mutilated beyond hope of regeneration.

All are lunatics, but he who can analyze his delusion is called a philosopher.

We need either less corruption or more chance to participate in it.

The full use of your powers along lines of excellence.

How can I believe in God when just last week I got my tongue caught in the roller of an electric typewriter?

If you think it's simple, then you have misunderstood the problem.

A doctor can bury his mistakes but an architect can only advise his clients to plant vines.

They laughed when I said I'd be a comedian. They aren't laughing now.

If I held you any closer I would be on the other side of you.

He had decided to live forever or die in the attempt.

I don't approve of political jokes... I've seen too many of them get elected.

Once you eliminate the impossible, whatever remains, no matter how improbable, must be the truth.

Before the war is ended, the war party assumes the divine right to denounce and silence all opposition to war as unpatriotic and cowardly.

Mother-in-law = A woman who destroys her son-in-law's peace of mind by giving him a piece of hers.

Many journalists have fallen for the conspiracy theory of government. I do assure you that they would produce more accurate work if they adhered to the cock-up theory.

A committee is a group of people who individually can do nothing but together can decide that nothing can be done.

The purpose of computing is not numbers but insight.

First they ignore you, then they laugh at you, then they fight you, then you win.

There is more stupidity than hydrogen in the universe, and it has a longer shelf life.

Honolulu, it's got everything. Sand for the children, sun for the wife, and sharks for the wife's mother.

Sometimes I lie awake at night, and I ask, 'Where have I gone wrong?' Then a voice says to me, 'This is going to take more than one night.'

A good sermon should be like a woman's skirt: short enough to arouse interest but long enough to cover the essentials.

People who think they know everything greatly annoy those of us who do.

Despite the high cost of living, it remains popular.

The whole problem with the world is that fools and fanatics are always so certain of themselves, but wiser people so full of doubts.

Our children are not born to hate, they are raised to hate.

When I was a kid I used to pray every night for a new bicycle. Then I realised that the Lord doesn't work that way so I stole one and asked Him to forgive me.

We totally deny the allegations, and we are trying to identify the allegators.

The bureaucracy is expanding to meet the needs of an expanding bureaucracy.

Many a man's reputation would not know his character if they met on the street.

A people that values its privileges above its principles soon loses both.

Democracy does not guarantee equality of conditions - it only guarantees equality of opportunity.

I have seen the future and it is just like the present, only longer.

Real life is that big, high-res, high-color screen saver behind all the windows.

I'm always amazed to hear of air crash victims so badly mutilated that they have to be identified by their dental records. What I can't understand is, if they don't know who you are, how do they know who your dentist is?

I criticize by creation - not by finding fault.

When the rich think about the poor, they have poor ideas.

A man's only as old as the woman he feels.

We have art to save ourselves from the truth.

The trouble with the Internet is that it's replacing masturbation as a leisure activity.

You have to stay in shape. My grandmother, she started walking five miles a day when she was 60. She's 97 today and we don't know where she is!

We had gay burglars the other night. They broke in and rearranged the furniture.

That is the saving grace of humor, if you fail no one is laughing at you.

Lohr's Law: The future is merely the past with a twist — and better tools.

A terrorist is someone who has a bomb, but doesn't have an air force.

Victory goes to the player who makes the next-to-last mistake.

UNIX is simple. It just takes a genius to understand its simplicity.

I could not possibly fail to disagree with you less.

There is no sincerer love than the love of food.

If Tyranny and Oppression come to this land, it will be in the guise of fighting a foreign enemy.

If the brain were so simple we could understand it, we would be so simple we couldn't.

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Computer Science is no more about computers than astronomy is about telescopes

Programming is like sex: one mistake and you have to support it for the rest of your life.

There are people in the world so hungry, that God cannot appear to them except in the form of bread.

Death is a low chemical trick played on everybody except sequoia trees.

Ah well, then I suppose I shall have to die beyond my means.

A pint of sweat, saves a gallon of blood.

About the use of language: it is impossible to sharpen a pencil with a blunt axe. It is equally vain to try to do it with ten blunt axes instead.

I am ready to meet my Maker. Whether my Maker is prepared for the great ordeal of meeting me is another matter.

I'm always amazed to hear of air crash victims so badly mutilated that they have to be identified by their dental records. What I can't understand is, if they don't know who you are, how do they know who your dentist is?

I Can't Think Of Anything Reasonable To Counter Your Argument Or Don't Have The Least Inkling Of The Subject So I Will Resort To Name Calling And Hope I Can Get Away With It.

Every nation has its war party. It is not the party of democracy. It is the party of autocracy. It seeks to dominate absolutely.

The role of the president of the United States is to support the decisions that are made by the people of Israel. It is not up to us to pick and choose from among the political parties.

If you want to make an apple pie from scratch, you must first create the universe.

The concept is interesting and well-formed, but in order to earn better than a 'C', the idea must be feasible.

I was raised in the Jewish tradition, taught never to marry a Gentile woman, shave on a Saturday night and, most especially, never to shave a Gentile woman on a Saturday night.

Gentleman: Knows how to play the bagpipes, but doesn't.

First you forget names, then you forget faces. Next you forget to pull your zipper up and finally, you forget to pull it down.

Democracy is where you can say what you think even if you don't think.

Elegance is not a dispensable luxury but a factor that decides between success and failure.

Politics is the art of looking for trouble, finding it everywhere, diagnosing it incorrectly, and applying the wrong remedies.

Three o'clock is always too late or too early for anything you want to do.

Before the war is ended, the war party assumes the divine right to denounce and silence all opposition to war as unpatriotic and cowardly.

In Germany they first came for the Communists, and I didn't speak up because I wasn't a Communist. Then they came for the Jews, and I didn't speak up because I wasn't a Jew. Then they came for the trade unionists, and I didn't speak up because I wasn't a trade unionist. Then they came for the Catholics, and I didn't speak up because I was a Protestant. Then they came for me - and by that time no one was left to speak up.

Is it not a strange blindness on our part to teach publicly the techniques of warfare and to reward with medals those who prove to be the most adroit killers?

The full use of your powers along lines of excellence.

People who think they know everything greatly annoy those of us who do.

The role of the president of the United States is to support the decisions that are made by the people of Israel. It is not up to us to pick and choose from among the political parties.

I have made this letter longer than usual because I lack the time to make it shorter.

Ever notice that anyone going slower than you is an idiot, but anyone going faster is a maniac?

> > > Goodbye to all! Thanks for years of great fun and good > > > business! > > Suicide or MS C++? > Is there a difference? Suicide hurts only once...

Early to rise and early to bed. Makes a male healthy, wealthy and dead.

An intellectual is someone who has found something more interesting than sex.

The study of non-linear physics is like the study of non-elephant biology.

Object-oriented programming is a style of programming designed to teach students about stacks.

A printer consists of three main parts: the case, the jammed paper tray and the blinking red light

The best way to predict the future is to invent it.

When the rich think about the poor, they have poor ideas.

My neighbour asked if he could use my lawnmower and I told him of course he could, so long as he didn't take it out of my garden.

I find that the harder I work, the more luck I seem to have.

What a cruel thing is war: to separate and destroy families and friends, and mar the purest joys and happiness God has granted us in this world; to fill our hearts with hatred instead of love for our neighbors, and to devastate the fair face of this beautiful world.

The power of accurate observation is frequently called cynicism by those who don't have it.

It has become appallingly obvious that our technology has exceeded our humanity.

Comedy is simply a funny way of being serious.

The wit makes fun of other persons; the satirist makes fun of the world; the humorist makes fun of himself.

I'm fed up to the ears with old men dreaming up wars for young men to die in.

We totally deny the allegations, and we are trying to identify the allegators.

There is no idea so simple and powerful that you can't get zillions of people to misunderstand it.

I think there is a world market for maybe five computers.

When did I realize I was God? Well, I was praying and I suddenly realized I was talking to myself.

USA Today has come out with a new survey: Apparently three out of four people make up 75 percent of the population.

There are only two ways to live your life. One is as though nothing is a miracle. The other is as though everything is a miracle.

I'm all in favor of keeping dangerous weapons out of the hands of fools. Let's start with typewriters.

The best way to predict the future is to invent it.

Dying is a very dull, dreary affair. And my advice to you is to have nothing whatever to do with it.

Few things are harder to put up with than a good example.

Good people do not need laws to tell them to act responsibly, while bad people will find a way around the laws.

War is not the continuation of politics with different means, it is the greatest mass-crime perpetrated on the community of man.

I don't want to achieve immortality through my work; I want to achieve immortality through not dying.

I agree with the reforms, but I want nothing to change

If the brain were so simple we could understand it, we would be so simple we couldn't.

It is only those who have neither fired a shot nor heard the shrieks and groans of the wounded who cry aloud for blood... War is hell.

Support your local Search and Rescue unit -- get lost.

We are Dyslexia of Borg. Fusistance is retile. Your ass will be laminated.

Not everything that can be counted counts, and not everything that counts can be counted.

Don't stay in bed, unless you can make money in bed.

There's many a bestseller that could have been prevented by a good teacher.

Happiness is good health and a bad memory.

One doesn't have a sense of humor. It has you.

Gentleman: Knows how to play the bagpipes, but doesn't.

Everybody wants to go to heaven, but nobody wants to die.

I'm Jewish. I don't work out. If God had wanted us to bend over, He would have put diamonds on the floor.

The man who goes alone can start today; but he who travels with another must wait till that other is ready.

Forgive your enemies, but never forget their names.

The use of COBOL cripples the mind; its teaching should, therefore, be regarded as a criminal offense.

I've had a wonderful time, but this wasn't it.

Momma always said life was like a box of chocolates. You never know what you're gonna get.

Anything that is too stupid to be spoken is sung.

Research is what I'm doing when I don't know what I'm doing.

I'm all in favor of keeping dangerous weapons out of the hands of fools. Let's start with typewriters.

The bureaucracy is expanding to meet the needs of an expanding bureaucracy.

Love: The warm feeling you get towards someone who meets your neurotic needs.

If you give a man a fish, he will eat for today. If you teach him to fish, he'll understand why some people think golf is exciting.

I do not feel obliged to believe that the same God who has endowed us with sense, reason, and intellect has intended us to forgo their use.

A [pseudo]random number generator is much like sex: when it's good it's wonderful, and when it's bad it's still pretty good.

Just because bulldozers are used to build highways doesn't mean bulldozers are the best way to travel on a highway.

Gentleman: Knows how to play the bagpipes, but doesn't.

They couldn't hit an elephant at this dist--

If electricity comes from electrons, does that mean that morality comes from morons?

The dangerous patriot ... is a defender of militarism and its ideals of war and glory.

When I die I'm going to leave my body to science fiction.

Everywhere I go I'm asked if I think the university stifles writers. My opinion is that they don't stifle enough of them.

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Our children are not born to hate, they are raised to hate.

Maybe there is no actual place called hell. Maybe hell is just having to listen to our grandparents breathe through their noses when they're eating sandwiches.

Sailors ought never to go to church. They ought to go to hell, where it is much more comfortable.

Liberty and democracy become unholy when their hands are dyed red with innocent blood.

It's strange, isn't it. You stand in the middle of a library and go 'aaaaagghhhh' and everyone just stares at you. But you do the same thing on an aeroplane, and everyone joins in.

Never raise your hands to your kids. It leaves your groin unprotected.

Testing proves the presence, not the absence, of bugs.

The use of COBOL cripples the mind; its teaching should, therefore, be regarded as a criminal offense.

Distrust any enterprise that requires new clothes.

The whole problem with the world is that fools and fanatics are always so certain of themselves, but wiser people so full of doubts.

A good sermon should be like a woman's skirt: short enough to arouse interest but long enough to cover the essentials.

And the clueless shall spend their time reinventing the wheel while the elite merely use the Wordstar key mappings

If there is no God, who pops up the next Kleenex?

I just bought a Mac to help me design the next Cray.

Just because bulldozers are used to build highways doesn't mean bulldozers are the best way to travel on a highway.

The use of anthropomorphic terminology when dealing with computing systems is a symptom of professional immaturity.

Time is the best teacher; Unfortunately it kills all its students!

Not everything that can be counted counts, and not everything that counts can be counted.

The true measure of a man is how he treats someone who can do him absolutely no good.

Everybody's worried about stopping terrorism. Well, there's a really easy way: stop participating in it.

All things are possible, except skiing through a revolving door.

Any fool can criticize, condemn, and complain - and most fools do.

Each problem that I solved became a rule which served afterwards to solve other problems.

I do not fear computers. I fear the lack of them.

The graveyards are full of indispensable men.

Life would be so much easier if we could just see the source code.

I choose a block of marble and chop off whatever I don't need.

We've all heard that a million monkeys banging on a million typewriters will eventually reproduce the entire works of Shakespeare. Now, thanks to the Internet, we know this is not true.

It is better to have a permanent income than to be fascinating.

In all large corporations, there is a pervasive fear that someone, somewhere is having fun with a computer on company time. Networks help alleviate that fear.

Experience is what you get when you were expecting something else.

I have spoken many a word, therefore, it is fact.

Defining and analyzing humor is a pastime of humorless people.

I must confess, I was born at a very early age.

I've just learned about his illness. Let's hope it's nothing trivial.

We all agree that your theory is crazy, but is it crazy enough?

A model is done when nothing else can be taken out.

If there is no Hell, a good many preachers are obtaining money under false pretences.

Heaven is an American salary, a Chinese cook, an English house, and a Japanese wife. Hell is defined as having a Chinese salary, an English cook, a Japanese house, and an American wife.

The use of anthropomorphic terminology when dealing with computing systems is a symptom of professional immaturity.

A sure cure for seasickness is to sit under a tree.

If it wasn't for C, we'd be writing programs in BASI, PASAL, and OBOL.

Don't knock masturbation, it's sex with someone I love .

Sterling's Corollary to Clarke's Law: Any sufficiently advanced garbage is indistinguishable from magic.

I don't know anything about music. In my line you don't have to.

Rarely is the question asked: Is our children learning?

Jesus may love you, but I think you're garbage wrapped in skin.

There is more stupidity than hydrogen in the universe, and it has a longer shelf life.

... one of the main causes of the fall of the Roman Empire was that, lacking zero, they had no way to indicate successful termination of their C programs.

We don't make mistakes, we just have happy little accidents.

Once you eliminate the impossible, whatever remains, no matter how improbable, must be the truth.

I love Mickey Mouse more than any woman I have ever known.

I have not failed. I've just found 10,000 ways that won't work.

Distrust any enterprise that requires new clothes.

Fill what's empty, empty what's full, and scratch where it itches.

You'll notice that Nancy Reagan never drinks water when Ronnie speaks.

Ask her to wait a moment - I am almost done.