The Rat Race

Awesome, awesome blog entry! You are always so entertaining :) I used to loathe buffett, but my twin sister is a total parrotheat and she embodies the Buffett philosophy perfectly. I also have a soft spot in my heart for "One Particular Harbor" since I tend to exist mostly in my head as opposed to outside of it in the "real world." "A Pirate Looks at 40" always makes me smile and so does "Cheesburger in Paradise." I mean, who gets famous for writing a song about a fabulous cheeseburger?!

Thanks! Ditto for your blog entries.

I also love "Cheeseburger in Paradise"... I especially like the version on this album because at one point instead of saying, "Cheeseburger in Paradise," he says, "Cheeseburger is Paradise," a sentiment closely aligned with my own. I'm glad your Parrothead sister has made you a Buffett convert.

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It was the experience of mystery -- even if mixed with fear -- that engendered religion.

A low voter turnout is an indication of fewer people going to the polls.

The cry has been that when war is declared, all opposition should be hushed. A sentiment more unworthy of a free country could hardly be propagated.

The Bible was a consolation to a fellow alone in the old cell. The lovely thin paper with a bit of matress stuffing in it, if you could get a match, was as good a smoke as I ever tasted.

Once you've written TBicycle, you never forget how.

How wrong it is for a woman to expect the man to build the world she wants, rather than to create it herself.

Throughout American history, the government has said we're in an unprecedented crisis and that we must live without civil liberties until the crisis is over. It's a hoax.

Anyone who starts a sentence, 'With all due respect ...' is about to insult you.

Object-oriented programming is an exceptionally bad idea which could only have originated in California.

All are lunatics, but he who can analyze his delusion is called a philosopher.

Chaos Theory is a new theory invented by scientists panicked by the thought that the public were beginning to understand the old ones.

Copy from one, it's plagiarism; copy from two, it's research.

Statistics is like a bikini. What they reveal is suggestive. What they conceal is vital.

Before C++ we had to code all of our bugs by hand; now we inherit them.

Everything secret degenerates, even the administration of justice.

There are only two ways to live your life. One is as though nothing is a miracle. The other is as though everything is a miracle.

A coward is a hero with a wife, kids, and a mortgage.

Clothes make the man. Naked people have little or no influence on society.

Silence is argument carried out by other means.

Nothing is wrong with California that a rise in the ocean level wouldn't cure.

If it weren't for electricity we'd all be watching television by candlelight.

Patriotism means to stand by the country. It does not mean to stand by the president or any other public official...

It was God who made me so beautiful. If I weren't, then I'd be a teacher.

It is dangerous to be sincere unless you are also stupid.

The great thing about a computer notebook is that no matter how much you stuff into it, it doesn't get bigger or heavier.

Don't be so humble - you are not that great.

Maybe this world is another planet's Hell.

I'm very proud of my gold pocket watch. My grandfather, on his deathbed, sold me this watch.

Honolulu, it's got everything. Sand for the children, sun for the wife, and sharks for the wife's mother.

So I was getting into my car, and this bloke says to me

Ask people why they have deer heads on their walls and they tell you it's because they're such beautiful animals. I think my wife is beautiful, but I only have photographs of her on the wall.

Tact is the ability to tell a man he has an open mind when he has a hole in his head.

I hear Glenn Hoddle has found God. That must have been one hell of a pass.

Pascal /n./ A programming language named after a man who would turn over in his grave if he knew about it.

My advice to you is get married: if you find a good wife you'll be happy; if not, you'll become a philosopher.

We must all hear the universal call to like your neighbor like you like to be liked yourself.

Java: the elegant simplicity of C++ and the blazing speed of Smalltalk.

If there is no God, who pops up the next Kleenex?

When choosing between two evils, I always like to try the one I've never tried before.

Programming is like sex: one mistake and you have to support it for the rest of your life.

Raymond's Law of Software: Given a sufficiently large number of eyeballs, all bugs are shallow.

It is much more comfortable to be mad and know it, than to be sane and have one's doubts.

If the automobile had followed the same development cycle as the computer, a Rolls-Royce would today cost $100, get a million miles per gallon, and explode once a year, killing everyone inside.

Everything secret degenerates, even the administration of justice.

We totally deny the allegations, and we are trying to identify the allegators.

Ketchup left overnight on dinner plates has a longer half-life than radioactive waste.

Finagle's Law of Dynamic Negatives: Anything that can go wrong, will -- at the worst possible moment.

Give me chastity and continence, but not yet.

Never raise your hands to your kids. It leaves your groin unprotected.

Puritanism: The haunting fear that someone, somewhere, may be happy.

My current job sucks so hard, black holes are going green with envy.

Do illiterate people get the full effect of alphabet soup?

Before C++ we had to code all of our bugs by hand; now we inherit them.

If it wasn't for lawyers, we wouldn't need them.

Pascal /n./ A programming language named after a man who would turn over in his grave if he knew about it.

It was the experience of mystery -- even if mixed with fear -- that engendered religion.

Hofstadter's Law: It always takes longer than you expect, even when you take into account Hofstadter's Law.

The competent programmer is fully aware of the limited size of his own skull. He therefore approaches his task with full humility, and avoids clever tricks like the plague.

Who are you going to believe, me or your own eyes?

First they ignore you, then they laugh at you, then they fight you, then you win.

It was the experience of mystery -- even if mixed with fear -- that engendered religion.

Puritanism: The haunting fear that someone, somewhere, may be happy.

After every 'victory' you have more enemies.

Copy from one, it's plagiarism; copy from two, it's research.

If you try and take a cat apart to see how it works, the first thing you have in your hands is a non-working cat.

Ever notice when you blow in a dog's face he gets mad at you, but when you take him in a car he sticks his head out the window?

The true measure of a man is how he treats someone who can do him absolutely no good.

Friends may come and go, but enemies accumulate.

TV is called a medium because it is neither rare nor well done.

One out of every three Americans is suffering from some form of mental illness. Think of two of your best friends. If they are OK, then it must be you.

They laughed when I said I'd be a comedian. They aren't laughing now.

It's wonderful to be here in the great state of Chicago.

Copy from one, it's plagiarism; copy from two, it's research.

A [pseudo]random number generator is much like sex: when it's good it's wonderful, and when it's bad it's still pretty good.

The purpose of computing is not numbers but insight.

In theory, there is no difference between theory and practice. But, in practice, there is.

The only difference between me and a madman is that I'm not mad.

The use of COBOL cripples the mind; its teaching should, therefore, be regarded as a criminal offense.

Argue for your limitations, and sure enough they're yours.

I have six locks on my door, all in a row. When I go out, I lock every other one. I figure no matter how long somebody stands there picking the locks, they are always locking three of them.

A radioactive cat has eighteen half-lives.

Computer dating is fine, if you're a computer.

Ah well, then I suppose I shall have to die beyond my means.

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If we knew what it was we were doing, it would not be called research, would it?

The pen is mightier than the sword, and considerably easier to write with.

An effective way to deal with predators is to taste terrible.

The secret of a good sermon is to have a good beginning and a good ending, then having the two as close together as possible.

Inanimate objects can be classified scientifically into three major categories; those that don't work, those that break down and those that get lost.

It's not that I'm afraid to die, I just don't want to be there when it happens.

Deliver yesterday, code today, think tomorrow.

It is a miracle that curiosity survives formal education.

A husband is what is left of the lover after the nerve has been extracted.

Richard Nixon is a no good, lying bastard. He can lie out of both sides of his mouth at the same time, and if he ever caught himself telling the truth, he'd lie just to keep his hand in.

Hofstadter's Law: It always takes longer than you expect, even when you take into account Hofstadter's Law.

Go on, get out. Last words are for fools who haven't said enough.

We are Dyslexia of Borg. Fusistance is retile. Your ass will be laminated.

Invading Iraq after 9/11 was like invading Mexico after Pearl Harbor.

A mathematician is a device for turning coffee into theorems.

You can only find truth with logic if you have already found truth without it.

Tact is the ability to tell a man he has an open mind when he has a hole in his head.

My opinions might have changed, but not the fact that I am right.

The full use of your powers along lines of excellence.

We don't make mistakes, we just have happy little accidents.

Imitation is the sincerest form of television.

Real Programmers always confuse Christmas and Halloween because Oct31 == Dec25 !

UNIX is basically a simple operating system, but you have to be a genius to understand the simplicity.

Minsky's Second Law: Don't just do something. Stand there.

If there is no Hell, a good many preachers are obtaining money under false pretences.

Biologically speaking, if something bites you it's more likely to be female.

The worst barbarity of war is that it forces men collectively to commit acts against which individually they would revolt with their whole being.

Giving birth is like taking your lower lip and forcing it over your head.

We need either less corruption or more chance to participate in it.

O'Toole's Corollary of Finagle's Law: The perversity of the Universe tends towards a maximum.

The belief in the possibility of a short decisive war appears to be one of the most ancient and dangerous of human illusions.

Hi there, what's up you guys???

Either he's dead or my watch has stopped.

The difference between pornography and erotica is lighting.

The role of the president of the United States is to support the decisions that are made by the people of Israel. It is not up to us to pick and choose from among the political parties.

Love: The warm feeling you get towards someone who meets your neurotic needs.

I have come to believe that the whole world is an enigma, a harmless enigma that is made terrible by our own mad attempt to interpret it as though it had an underlying truth.

Computers are useless; they can only give you answers.

A great many people think they are thinking when they are merely rearranging their prejudices.

Not even computers will replace committees, because committees buy computers.

First they ignore you, then they laugh at you, then they fight you, then you win.

I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.

It's not the size of the dog in the fight, it's the size of the fight in the dog.

Whether you think that you can, or that you can't, you are usually right.

It is now possible for a flight attendant to get a pilot pregnant.

The optimist proclaims that we live in the best of all possible worlds, and the pessimist fears this is true.

All sorts of computer errors are now turning up. You'd be surprised to know the number of doctors who claim they are treating pregnant men.

Love is the answer - but while you're waiting for the answer sex raises some pretty good questions.

Maybe there is no actual place called hell. Maybe hell is just having to listen to our grandparents breathe through their noses when they're eating sandwiches.

Learning is what most adults will do for a living in the 21st century.

Men have become the tools of their tools.

War doesn't make boys men, it makes men dead.

We don't make mistakes, we just have happy little accidents.

There is a charm about the forbidden that makes it unspeakably diserable.

A lady came up to me on the street, pointed at my suede jacket and said, 'Don't you know a cow was murdered for that jacket?' I said 'I didn't know there were any witnesses. Now I'll have to kill you too'.

Basically, I no longer work for anything but the sensation I have while working.

We're going to turn this team around 360 degrees.

What is morally wrong can never be advantageous, even when it enables you to make some gain that you believe to be to your advantage.

Build a man a fire, and he'll be warm for a day. Set a man on fire, and he'll be warm for the rest of his life.

If Tyranny and Oppression come to this land, it will be in the guise of fighting a foreign enemy.

C++: an octopus made by nailing extra legs onto a dog

Researchers have discovered that chocolate produces some of the same reactions in the brain as marijuana. The researchers also discovered other similarities between the two but can't remember what they are.

There are some experiences in life which should not be demanded twice from any man, and one of them is listening to the Brahms Requiem.

A bird in the hand makes it hard to blow your nose.

Lohr's Law: The future is merely the past with a twist � and better tools.

Good teaching is one-fourth preparation and three-fourths theater.

I don't believe in the after life, although I am bringing a change of underwear.

Those are my principles. If you don't like them I have others.

Getting an education was a bit like a communicable sexual disease. It made you unsuitable for a lot of jobs and then you had the urge to pass it on.

The only difference between me and a madman is that I'm not mad.

Everybody's worried about stopping terrorism. Well, there's a really easy way: stop participating in it.

I wouldn't mind dying - it's the business of having to stay dead that scares the shit out of me.

You'll notice that Nancy Reagan never drinks water when Ronnie speaks.

I am ready to meet my Maker. Whether my Maker is prepared for the great ordeal of meeting me is another matter.

If the brain were so simple we could understand it, we would be so simple we couldn't.

If the brain were so simple we could understand it, we would be so simple we couldn't.

If the brain were so simple we could understand it, we would be so simple we couldn't.

Education is a progressive discovery of our own ignorance.

Barab�si's Law of Programming: Program development ends when the program does what you expect it to do � whether it is correct or not.

If it wasn't for lawyers, we wouldn't need them.

I'm not going to have some reporters pawing through our papers. We are the president.

Now, now my good man, this is no time for making enemies.

Future historians will be able to study at the Jimmy Carter Library, the Gerald Ford Library, the Ronald Reagan Library, and the Bill Clinton Adult Bookstore.

Eternal nothingness is fine if you happen to be dressed for it.

The music business is a cruel and shallow money trench, a long plastic hallway where thieves and pimps run free, and good men die like dogs. There's also a negative side

Humor is the only test of gravity, and gravity of humor; for a subject which will not bear raillery is suspicious, and a jest which will not bear serious examination is false wit.

Not everything that can be counted counts, and not everything that counts can be counted.

We all agree that your theory is crazy, but is it crazy enough?

There's many a bestseller that could have been prevented by a good teacher.

It's clearly a budget. It's got a lot of numbers in it.

The purpose of computing is not numbers but insight.

I agree with the reforms, but I want nothing to change

Many journalists have fallen for the conspiracy theory of government. I do assure you that they would produce more accurate work if they adhered to the cock-up theory.

I am ready to meet my Maker. Whether my Maker is prepared for the great ordeal of meeting me is another matter.

I'm Jewish. I don't work out. If God had wanted us to bend over, He would have put diamonds on the floor.

It has become appallingly obvious that our technology has exceeded our humanity.

It is dangerous to be right when the government is wrong.

There is no reason anyone would want a computer in their home.

Opportunities multiply as they are seized.

Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?

Anyone who considers arithmetical methods of producing random digits is, of course, in a state of sin.

The instinct of nearly all societies is to lock up anybody who is truly free. First, society begins by trying to beat you up. If this fails, they try to poison you. If this fails too, the finish by loading honors on your head.

I've just learned about his illness. Let's hope it's nothing trivial.

Humor is just another defense against the universe.

Instead, I was a painter, and became Picasso.

The artist is nothing without the gift, but the gift is nothing without work.

Hanlon's Razor: Never attribute to malice that which can be adequately explained by stupidity.

Conservatives are not necessarily stupid, but most stupid people are conservatives

I Can't Think Of Anything Reasonable To Counter Your Argument Or Don't Have The Least Inkling Of The Subject So I Will Resort To Name Calling And Hope I Can Get Away With It.

It is practically imposible to teach good programming to students that have had a prior exposure to BASIC: as potential programmers they are mentally mutilated beyond hope of regeneration.

The difference between pornography and erotica is lighting.

Imitation is the sincerest form of television.

Common sense is the collection of prejudices acquired by age eighteen.

One morning I shot a bear in my pajamas. How it got into my pajamas I'll never know.

Modern capitalism is not about free markets, it is about building sufficient mass that the market gravitationally collapses around you.

Support your local Search and Rescue unit -- get lost.

It is dangerous to be sincere unless you are also stupid.

The only difference between me and a madman is that I'm not mad.

Behind every great fortune there is a crime.

You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.

I don't know why we are here, but I'm pretty sure that it is not in order to enjoy ourselves.

Sometimes I lie awake at night, and I ask, 'Where have I gone wrong?' Then a voice says to me, 'This is going to take more than one night.'

Humor is the only test of gravity, and gravity of humor; for a subject which will not bear raillery is suspicious, and a jest which will not bear serious examination is false wit.

We're going to turn this team around 360 degrees.

If it wasn't for muscle spasms, I wouldn't get any exercise at all.

Is it not a strange blindness on our part to teach publicly the techniques of warfare and to reward with medals those who prove to be the most adroit killers?

A lie gets halfway around the world before the truth has a chance to get its pants on.

After I'm dead I'd rather have people ask why I have no monument than why I have one.

Too many pieces of music finish too long after the end.

Love: The warm feeling you get towards someone who meets your neurotic needs.

If absolute power corrupts absolutely, where does that leave God?

There is only one nature - the division into science and engineering is a human imposition, not a natural one. Indeed, the division is a human failure; it reflects our limited capacity to comprehend the whole.

Future historians will be able to study at the Jimmy Carter Library, the Gerald Ford Library, the Ronald Reagan Library, and the Bill Clinton Adult Bookstore.

There's no trick to being a humorist when you have the whole government working for you.

About the use of language: it is impossible to sharpen a pencil with a blunt axe. It is equally vain to try to do it with ten blunt axes instead.

Statistics is like a bikini. What they reveal is suggestive. What they conceal is vital.

Descended from the apes? Let us hope that it is not true. But if it is, let us pray that it may not become generally known.

The pen is mightier than the sword, and considerably easier to write with.

The wit makes fun of other persons; the satirist makes fun of the world; the humorist makes fun of himself.

I don't know anything about music. In my line you don't have to.

The truth is more important than the facts.

One word sums up probably the responsibility of any Governor, and that one word is 'to be prepared'.

A committee is a group of people who individually can do nothing but together can decide that nothing can be done.

Men are not disturbed by things, but the view they take of things.

A bird in the hand makes it hard to blow your nose.

Everybody wants to go to heaven, but nobody wants to die.

Many a man's reputation would not know his character if they met on the street.

I'm all in favor of keeping dangerous weapons out of the hands of fools. Let's start with typewriters.

Wit makes its own welcome and levels all distinctions.

Premature optimization is the root of all evil.

But at my back I always hear Time's winged chariot hurrying near.

Is it not a strange blindness on our part to teach publicly the techniques of warfare and to reward with medals those who prove to be the most adroit killers?

Manuscript: something submitted in haste and returned at leisure.

I'm fed up to the ears with old men dreaming up wars for young men to die in.

You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.

They couldn't hit an elephant at this dist--

Ah well, then I suppose I shall have to die beyond my means.

If everything seems under control, you're just not going fast enough.

My advice to you is get married: if you find a good wife you'll be happy; if not, you'll become a philosopher.

For centuries, theologians have been explaining the unknowable in terms of the-not-worth-knowing.

You got to be careful if you don't know where you're going, because you might not get there.

We should leave our minds open, but not so open that our brains fall out.

Roses are #FF0000 Violets are #0000FF All my base are belong to you!

Linux is like living in a teepee. No Windows, no Gates, Apache in house.

The difference between what the most and the least learned people know is inexpressibly trivial in relation to that which is unknown.

Politics is the art of looking for trouble, finding it everywhere, diagnosing it incorrectly, and applying the wrong remedies.

Momma always said life was like a box of chocolates. You never know what you're gonna get.

Imagine if every Thursday your shoes exploded if you tied them the usual way. This happens to us all the time with computers, and nobody thinks of complaining.

Why don't you write books people can read?

I've never seen anyone change his mind because of the power of a superior argument or the acquisition of new facts. But I've seen plenty of people change behavior to avoid being mocked.

Not only is there no God, but you try getting a plumber at weekends.

I have seen the future and it is just like the present, only longer.

If people are good only because they fear punishment, and hope for reward, then we are a sorry lot indeed.

They show you how detergents take out bloodstains. I think if you've got a T-shirt with bloodstains all over it, maybe your laundry isn't your biggest problem.

It's clearly a budget. It's got a lot of numbers in it.

Death is one of the few things that can be done as easily lying down. The difference between sex and death is that with death you can do it alone and no one is going to make fun of you.

Never raise your hands to your kids. It leaves your groin unprotected.

If there is no God, who pops up the next Kleenex?

There is no reason anyone would want a computer in their home.

How wrong it is for a woman to expect the man to build the world she wants, rather than to create it herself.

Friends may come and go, but enemies accumulate.

Humor is the only test of gravity, and gravity of humor; for a subject which will not bear raillery is suspicious, and a jest which will not bear serious examination is false wit.

A radioactive cat has eighteen half-lives.

Write a wise word and your name will live forever.

The graveyards are full of indispensable men.

In the End, we will remember not the words of our enemies, but the silence of our friends.

If Stupidity got us into this mess, then why can't it get us out?

I've always wanted to be somebody, but I should have been more specific.

Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, the other was eating fireworks. They charged one and let the other one off.

You'll notice that Nancy Reagan never drinks water when Ronnie speaks.

Is your argument that the Creator of the Universe was working under a deadline and His manager forced Him to rush inefficient designs into production?

I'm not under the alkafluence of inkahol that some thinkle peep I am. It's just the drunker I sit here the longer I get.

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We totally deny the allegations, and we are trying to identify the allegators.

Everything has been figured out, except how to live.

Should array indices start at 0 or 1? My compromise of 0.5 was rejected without, I thought, proper consideration.

Future historians will be able to study at the Jimmy Carter Library, the Gerald Ford Library, the Ronald Reagan Library, and the Bill Clinton Adult Bookstore.

Object-oriented programming is a style of programming designed to teach students about stacks.

Never interrupt your enemy when he is making a mistake.

Linux is like living in a teepee. No Windows, no Gates, Apache in house.

Egotist: a person more interested in himself than in me.

Subtlety is the art of saying what you think and getting out of the way before it is understood.

Not everything that can be counted counts, and not everything that counts can be counted.

I think 'Hail to the Chief' has a nice ring to it.

I don't know anything about music. In my line you don't have to.

If the United Nations once admits that international disputes can be settled by using force, then we will have destroyed the foundation of the organization and our best hope of establishing a world order.

Pray, v.: To ask that the laws of the universe be annulled on behalf of a single petitioner confessedly unworthy.

Learning is what most adults will do for a living in the 21st century.

Our government has kept us in a perpetual state of fear - kept us in a continuous stampede of patriotic fervor - with the cry of grave national emergency.

If you were plowing a field, which would you rather use? Two strong oxen or 1024 chickens?

Diplomacy is the art of saying 'Nice doggie!'... 'til you can find a rock.

The first half of our life is ruined by our parents and the second half by our children.

The use of COBOL cripples the mind; its teaching should, therefore, be regarded as a criminal offense.

I'm very proud of my gold pocket watch. My grandfather, on his deathbed, sold me this watch.

Quoting Coulter is kind of like quoting Joe McCarthy; no doubt it does well when you're pandering to a group of like-minded hate mongerers, but it earns you a well-deserved reputation as a vicious, mean-spirited airhead and intellecual lightweight in more analytical and dispassionate circles.

I failed to make the chess team because of my height.

There are only two tragedies in life: one is not getting what one wants, and the other is getting it.

Violence is the last refuge of the incompetent.

You can get more with a kind word and a gun than you can with a kind word alone.

The years of peak mental activity are undoubtedly between the ages of four and eighteen. At four we know all the questions, at eighteen all the answers.

We will not learn how to live together in peace by killing each other's children.

I don't know anything about music. In my line you don't have to.

Black holes are where God divided by zero.

I could not possibly fail to disagree with you less.

Whenever I climb I am followed by a dog called 'Ego'.

... one of the main causes of the fall of the Roman Empire was that, lacking zero, they had no way to indicate successful termination of their C programs.

The de facto role of the US armed forces will be to keep the world safe for our economy and open to our cultural assault.

If the automobile had followed the same development cycle as the computer, a Rolls-Royce would today cost $100, get a million miles per gallon, and explode once a year, killing everyone inside.

Why don't you write books people can read?

Chaos Theory is a new theory invented by scientists panicked by the thought that the public were beginning to understand the old ones.

It is better to be quotable than to be honest.

First you forget names, then you forget faces. Next you forget to pull your zipper up and finally, you forget to pull it down.

I think there is a world market for maybe five computers.

Hi there, what's up you guys???

Many a man's reputation would not know his character if they met on the street.

Attention to health is life's greatest hindrance.

He can compress the most words into the smallest idea of any man I know.

Attention to health is life's greatest hindrance.

Attention to health is life's greatest hindrance.

There are two ways of constructing a software design; one way is to make it so simple that there are obviously no deficiencies, and the other way is to make it so complicated that there are no obvious deficiencies. The first method is far more difficult.

Hi there, what's up you guys???

The belief in the possibility of a short decisive war appears to be one of the most ancient and dangerous of human illusions.

You can pretend to be serious; you can't pretend to be witty.

Each problem that I solved became a rule which served afterwards to solve other problems.

Education is a progressive discovery of our own ignorance.

Not everything that can be counted counts, and not everything that counts can be counted.

The power of accurate observation is frequently called cynicism by those who don't have it.

Because I do it with one small ship, I am called a terrorist. You do it with a whole fleet and are called an emperor.

Write a wise word and your name will live forever.

In all large corporations, there is a pervasive fear that someone, somewhere is having fun with a computer on company time. Networks help alleviate that fear.

It's wonderful to be here in the great state of Chicago.

A child of five could understand this. Fetch me a child of five.

The difference between fiction and reality? Fiction has to make sense.

Machine. Unexpectedly, I'd invented a time

The best way to predict the future is to invent it.

People demand freedom of speech to make up for the freedom of thought which they avoid.

The cry has been that when war is declared, all opposition should be hushed. A sentiment more unworthy of a free country could hardly be propagated.

Why did God create dentists? -- In his infinite love, he thought it would be charitable to His creatures to let them see what Hell is like, during their lives.

ASCII stupid question, get a stupid ANSI !

The graveyards are full of indispensable men.

It is only those who have neither fired a shot nor heard the shrieks and groans of the wounded who cry aloud for blood... War is hell.

Premature optimization is the root of all evil.

What I am against is quotas. I am against hard quotas, quotas they basically delineate based upon whatever. However they delineate, quotas, I think, vulcanize society. So I don't know how that fits into what everybody else is saying, their relative positions, but that's my position.

Humor is by far the most significant activity of the human brain.

Argue for your limitations, and sure enough they're yours.

So I was getting into my car, and this bloke says to me

Pray, v.: To ask that the laws of the universe be annulled on behalf of a single petitioner confessedly unworthy.

Having the source code is the difference between buying a house and renting an apartment.

Jesus may love you, but I think you're garbage wrapped in skin.

Never raise your hands to your kids. It leaves your groin unprotected.

The most likely way for the world to be destroyed, most experts agree, is by accident. That's where we come in; we're computer professionals. We cause accidents.

2 + 2 = 5, for extremely large values of 2.

I have made this letter longer than usual because I lack the time to make it shorter.

The worst barbarity of war is that it forces men collectively to commit acts against which individually they would revolt with their whole being.

When I am working on a problem I never think about beauty. I only think about how to solve the problem. But when I have finished, if the solution is not beautiful, I know it is wrong.

Future historians will be able to study at the Jimmy Carter Library, the Gerald Ford Library, the Ronald Reagan Library, and the Bill Clinton Adult Bookstore.

Humor is also a way of saying something serious.

Imitation is the sincerest form of television.

To understand a man you should walk a mile in his shoes. If what he says still bothers you that's ok because you'll be a mile away from him and you'll have his shoes.

To sit alone with my conscience will be judgment enough for me.

Ever notice that anyone going slower than you is an idiot, but anyone going faster is a maniac?

Quoting Coulter is kind of like quoting Joe McCarthy; no doubt it does well when you're pandering to a group of like-minded hate mongerers, but it earns you a well-deserved reputation as a vicious, mean-spirited airhead and intellecual lightweight in more analytical and dispassionate circles.

The secret to creativity is knowing how to hide your sources.

A doctor can bury his mistakes but an architect can only advise his clients to plant vines.

I have seen the future and it is just like the present, only longer.

Men and nations behave wisely once they have exhausted all the other alternatives.

In all large corporations, there is a pervasive fear that someone, somewhere is having fun with a computer on company time. Networks help alleviate that fear.

Build a man a fire, and he'll be warm for a day. Set a man on fire, and he'll be warm for the rest of his life.

The man who goes alone can start today; but he who travels with another must wait till that other is ready.

Computer /nm./: a device designed to speed and automate errors.

A scholar who cherishes the love of comfort is not fit to be deemed a scholar.

You have a cough? Go home tonight, eat a whole box of Ex-Lax -- tomorrow you'll be afraid to cough.

'Everything you say is boring and incomprehensible', she said, 'but that alone doesn't make it true.'

If there’s one thing I know it’s God does love a good joke.

I've had a wonderful time, but this wasn't it.

All are lunatics, but he who can analyze his delusion is called a philosopher.

The difference between 'involvement' and 'commitment' is like an eggs-and-ham breakfast: the chicken was 'involved' - the pig was 'committed'.

Manuscript: something submitted in haste and returned at leisure.

Politically Correct UNIX System VI Release notes

I have six locks on my door, all in a row. When I go out, I lock every other one. I figure no matter how long somebody stands there picking the locks, they are always locking three of them.

Lohr's Law: The future is merely the past with a twist — and better tools.

I hope life isn't a big joke ... because I don't get it.

In the begining there was nothing and God said 'Let there be light', and there was still nothing but everybody could see it.

Tragedy is when I cut my finger. Comedy is when you walk into an open sewer and die.

That is the saving grace of humor, if you fail no one is laughing at you.

Testing proves the presence, not the absence, of bugs.

The man who goes alone can start today; but he who travels with another must wait till that other is ready.

If all the world's managers were laid end to end, it would be an improvement.

ASCII stupid question, get a stupid ANSI !

If you want to make an apple pie from scratch, you must first create the universe.

A good sermon should be like a woman's skirt: short enough to arouse interest but long enough to cover the essentials.

Having the source code is the difference between buying a house and renting an apartment.

It is better to be quotable than to be honest.

Why do grandparents and grandchildren get along so well? They have the same enemy -- the mother.

The optimist proclaims that we live in the best of all possible worlds, and the pessimist fears this is true.

I'm fed up to the ears with old men dreaming up wars for young men to die in.

The competent programmer is fully aware of the limited size of his own skull. He therefore approaches his task with full humility, and avoids clever tricks like the plague.

I admire the Pope. I have a lot of respect for anyone who can tour without an album.

He is one of those people who would be enormously improved by death.

Talk sense to a fool and he calls you foolish.

It is practically imposible to teach good programming to students that have had a prior exposure to BASIC: as potential programmers they are mentally mutilated beyond hope of regeneration.

All are lunatics, but he who can analyze his delusion is called a philosopher.

We need either less corruption or more chance to participate in it.

The full use of your powers along lines of excellence.

How can I believe in God when just last week I got my tongue caught in the roller of an electric typewriter?

If you think it's simple, then you have misunderstood the problem.

A doctor can bury his mistakes but an architect can only advise his clients to plant vines.

They laughed when I said I'd be a comedian. They aren't laughing now.

If I held you any closer I would be on the other side of you.

He had decided to live forever or die in the attempt.

I don't approve of political jokes... I've seen too many of them get elected.

Once you eliminate the impossible, whatever remains, no matter how improbable, must be the truth.

Before the war is ended, the war party assumes the divine right to denounce and silence all opposition to war as unpatriotic and cowardly.

Mother-in-law = A woman who destroys her son-in-law's peace of mind by giving him a piece of hers.

Many journalists have fallen for the conspiracy theory of government. I do assure you that they would produce more accurate work if they adhered to the cock-up theory.

A committee is a group of people who individually can do nothing but together can decide that nothing can be done.

The purpose of computing is not numbers but insight.

First they ignore you, then they laugh at you, then they fight you, then you win.

There is more stupidity than hydrogen in the universe, and it has a longer shelf life.

Honolulu, it's got everything. Sand for the children, sun for the wife, and sharks for the wife's mother.

Sometimes I lie awake at night, and I ask, 'Where have I gone wrong?' Then a voice says to me, 'This is going to take more than one night.'

A good sermon should be like a woman's skirt: short enough to arouse interest but long enough to cover the essentials.

People who think they know everything greatly annoy those of us who do.

Despite the high cost of living, it remains popular.

The whole problem with the world is that fools and fanatics are always so certain of themselves, but wiser people so full of doubts.

Our children are not born to hate, they are raised to hate.

When I was a kid I used to pray every night for a new bicycle. Then I realised that the Lord doesn't work that way so I stole one and asked Him to forgive me.

We totally deny the allegations, and we are trying to identify the allegators.

The bureaucracy is expanding to meet the needs of an expanding bureaucracy.

Many a man's reputation would not know his character if they met on the street.

A people that values its privileges above its principles soon loses both.

Democracy does not guarantee equality of conditions - it only guarantees equality of opportunity.

I have seen the future and it is just like the present, only longer.

Real life is that big, high-res, high-color screen saver behind all the windows.

I'm always amazed to hear of air crash victims so badly mutilated that they have to be identified by their dental records. What I can't understand is, if they don't know who you are, how do they know who your dentist is?

I criticize by creation - not by finding fault.

When the rich think about the poor, they have poor ideas.

A man's only as old as the woman he feels.

We have art to save ourselves from the truth.

The trouble with the Internet is that it's replacing masturbation as a leisure activity.

You have to stay in shape. My grandmother, she started walking five miles a day when she was 60. She's 97 today and we don't know where she is!

We had gay burglars the other night. They broke in and rearranged the furniture.

That is the saving grace of humor, if you fail no one is laughing at you.

Lohr's Law: The future is merely the past with a twist — and better tools.

A terrorist is someone who has a bomb, but doesn't have an air force.

Victory goes to the player who makes the next-to-last mistake.

UNIX is simple. It just takes a genius to understand its simplicity.

I could not possibly fail to disagree with you less.

There is no sincerer love than the love of food.

If Tyranny and Oppression come to this land, it will be in the guise of fighting a foreign enemy.

If the brain were so simple we could understand it, we would be so simple we couldn't.

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Computer Science is no more about computers than astronomy is about telescopes

Programming is like sex: one mistake and you have to support it for the rest of your life.

There are people in the world so hungry, that God cannot appear to them except in the form of bread.

Death is a low chemical trick played on everybody except sequoia trees.

Ah well, then I suppose I shall have to die beyond my means.

A pint of sweat, saves a gallon of blood.

About the use of language: it is impossible to sharpen a pencil with a blunt axe. It is equally vain to try to do it with ten blunt axes instead.

I am ready to meet my Maker. Whether my Maker is prepared for the great ordeal of meeting me is another matter.

I'm always amazed to hear of air crash victims so badly mutilated that they have to be identified by their dental records. What I can't understand is, if they don't know who you are, how do they know who your dentist is?

I Can't Think Of Anything Reasonable To Counter Your Argument Or Don't Have The Least Inkling Of The Subject So I Will Resort To Name Calling And Hope I Can Get Away With It.

Every nation has its war party. It is not the party of democracy. It is the party of autocracy. It seeks to dominate absolutely.

The role of the president of the United States is to support the decisions that are made by the people of Israel. It is not up to us to pick and choose from among the political parties.

If you want to make an apple pie from scratch, you must first create the universe.

The concept is interesting and well-formed, but in order to earn better than a 'C', the idea must be feasible.

I was raised in the Jewish tradition, taught never to marry a Gentile woman, shave on a Saturday night and, most especially, never to shave a Gentile woman on a Saturday night.

Gentleman: Knows how to play the bagpipes, but doesn't.

First you forget names, then you forget faces. Next you forget to pull your zipper up and finally, you forget to pull it down.

Democracy is where you can say what you think even if you don't think.

Elegance is not a dispensable luxury but a factor that decides between success and failure.

Politics is the art of looking for trouble, finding it everywhere, diagnosing it incorrectly, and applying the wrong remedies.

Three o'clock is always too late or too early for anything you want to do.

Before the war is ended, the war party assumes the divine right to denounce and silence all opposition to war as unpatriotic and cowardly.

In Germany they first came for the Communists, and I didn't speak up because I wasn't a Communist. Then they came for the Jews, and I didn't speak up because I wasn't a Jew. Then they came for the trade unionists, and I didn't speak up because I wasn't a trade unionist. Then they came for the Catholics, and I didn't speak up because I was a Protestant. Then they came for me - and by that time no one was left to speak up.

Is it not a strange blindness on our part to teach publicly the techniques of warfare and to reward with medals those who prove to be the most adroit killers?

The full use of your powers along lines of excellence.

People who think they know everything greatly annoy those of us who do.

The role of the president of the United States is to support the decisions that are made by the people of Israel. It is not up to us to pick and choose from among the political parties.

I have made this letter longer than usual because I lack the time to make it shorter.

Ever notice that anyone going slower than you is an idiot, but anyone going faster is a maniac?

> > > Goodbye to all! Thanks for years of great fun and good > > > business! > > Suicide or MS C++? > Is there a difference? Suicide hurts only once...

Early to rise and early to bed. Makes a male healthy, wealthy and dead.

An intellectual is someone who has found something more interesting than sex.

The study of non-linear physics is like the study of non-elephant biology.

Object-oriented programming is a style of programming designed to teach students about stacks.

A printer consists of three main parts: the case, the jammed paper tray and the blinking red light

The best way to predict the future is to invent it.

When the rich think about the poor, they have poor ideas.

My neighbour asked if he could use my lawnmower and I told him of course he could, so long as he didn't take it out of my garden.

I find that the harder I work, the more luck I seem to have.

What a cruel thing is war: to separate and destroy families and friends, and mar the purest joys and happiness God has granted us in this world; to fill our hearts with hatred instead of love for our neighbors, and to devastate the fair face of this beautiful world.

The power of accurate observation is frequently called cynicism by those who don't have it.

It has become appallingly obvious that our technology has exceeded our humanity.

Comedy is simply a funny way of being serious.

The wit makes fun of other persons; the satirist makes fun of the world; the humorist makes fun of himself.

I'm fed up to the ears with old men dreaming up wars for young men to die in.

We totally deny the allegations, and we are trying to identify the allegators.

There is no idea so simple and powerful that you can't get zillions of people to misunderstand it.

I think there is a world market for maybe five computers.

When did I realize I was God? Well, I was praying and I suddenly realized I was talking to myself.

USA Today has come out with a new survey: Apparently three out of four people make up 75 percent of the population.

There are only two ways to live your life. One is as though nothing is a miracle. The other is as though everything is a miracle.

I'm all in favor of keeping dangerous weapons out of the hands of fools. Let's start with typewriters.

The best way to predict the future is to invent it.

Dying is a very dull, dreary affair. And my advice to you is to have nothing whatever to do with it.

Few things are harder to put up with than a good example.

Good people do not need laws to tell them to act responsibly, while bad people will find a way around the laws.

War is not the continuation of politics with different means, it is the greatest mass-crime perpetrated on the community of man.

I don't want to achieve immortality through my work; I want to achieve immortality through not dying.

I agree with the reforms, but I want nothing to change

If the brain were so simple we could understand it, we would be so simple we couldn't.

It is only those who have neither fired a shot nor heard the shrieks and groans of the wounded who cry aloud for blood... War is hell.

Support your local Search and Rescue unit -- get lost.

We are Dyslexia of Borg. Fusistance is retile. Your ass will be laminated.

Not everything that can be counted counts, and not everything that counts can be counted.

Don't stay in bed, unless you can make money in bed.

There's many a bestseller that could have been prevented by a good teacher.

Happiness is good health and a bad memory.

One doesn't have a sense of humor. It has you.

Gentleman: Knows how to play the bagpipes, but doesn't.

Everybody wants to go to heaven, but nobody wants to die.

I'm Jewish. I don't work out. If God had wanted us to bend over, He would have put diamonds on the floor.

The man who goes alone can start today; but he who travels with another must wait till that other is ready.

Forgive your enemies, but never forget their names.

The use of COBOL cripples the mind; its teaching should, therefore, be regarded as a criminal offense.

I've had a wonderful time, but this wasn't it.

Momma always said life was like a box of chocolates. You never know what you're gonna get.

Anything that is too stupid to be spoken is sung.

Research is what I'm doing when I don't know what I'm doing.

I'm all in favor of keeping dangerous weapons out of the hands of fools. Let's start with typewriters.

The bureaucracy is expanding to meet the needs of an expanding bureaucracy.

Love: The warm feeling you get towards someone who meets your neurotic needs.

If you give a man a fish, he will eat for today. If you teach him to fish, he'll understand why some people think golf is exciting.

I do not feel obliged to believe that the same God who has endowed us with sense, reason, and intellect has intended us to forgo their use.

A [pseudo]random number generator is much like sex: when it's good it's wonderful, and when it's bad it's still pretty good.

Just because bulldozers are used to build highways doesn't mean bulldozers are the best way to travel on a highway.

Gentleman: Knows how to play the bagpipes, but doesn't.

They couldn't hit an elephant at this dist--

If electricity comes from electrons, does that mean that morality comes from morons?

The dangerous patriot ... is a defender of militarism and its ideals of war and glory.

When I die I'm going to leave my body to science fiction.

Everywhere I go I'm asked if I think the university stifles writers. My opinion is that they don't stifle enough of them.

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Our children are not born to hate, they are raised to hate.

Maybe there is no actual place called hell. Maybe hell is just having to listen to our grandparents breathe through their noses when they're eating sandwiches.

Sailors ought never to go to church. They ought to go to hell, where it is much more comfortable.

Liberty and democracy become unholy when their hands are dyed red with innocent blood.

It's strange, isn't it. You stand in the middle of a library and go 'aaaaagghhhh' and everyone just stares at you. But you do the same thing on an aeroplane, and everyone joins in.

Never raise your hands to your kids. It leaves your groin unprotected.

Testing proves the presence, not the absence, of bugs.

The use of COBOL cripples the mind; its teaching should, therefore, be regarded as a criminal offense.

Distrust any enterprise that requires new clothes.

The whole problem with the world is that fools and fanatics are always so certain of themselves, but wiser people so full of doubts.

A good sermon should be like a woman's skirt: short enough to arouse interest but long enough to cover the essentials.

And the clueless shall spend their time reinventing the wheel while the elite merely use the Wordstar key mappings

If there is no God, who pops up the next Kleenex?

I just bought a Mac to help me design the next Cray.

Just because bulldozers are used to build highways doesn't mean bulldozers are the best way to travel on a highway.

The use of anthropomorphic terminology when dealing with computing systems is a symptom of professional immaturity.

Time is the best teacher; Unfortunately it kills all its students!

Not everything that can be counted counts, and not everything that counts can be counted.

The true measure of a man is how he treats someone who can do him absolutely no good.

Everybody's worried about stopping terrorism. Well, there's a really easy way: stop participating in it.

All things are possible, except skiing through a revolving door.

Any fool can criticize, condemn, and complain - and most fools do.

Each problem that I solved became a rule which served afterwards to solve other problems.

I do not fear computers. I fear the lack of them.

The graveyards are full of indispensable men.

Life would be so much easier if we could just see the source code.

I choose a block of marble and chop off whatever I don't need.

We've all heard that a million monkeys banging on a million typewriters will eventually reproduce the entire works of Shakespeare. Now, thanks to the Internet, we know this is not true.

It is better to have a permanent income than to be fascinating.

In all large corporations, there is a pervasive fear that someone, somewhere is having fun with a computer on company time. Networks help alleviate that fear.

Experience is what you get when you were expecting something else.

I have spoken many a word, therefore, it is fact.

Defining and analyzing humor is a pastime of humorless people.

I must confess, I was born at a very early age.

I've just learned about his illness. Let's hope it's nothing trivial.

We all agree that your theory is crazy, but is it crazy enough?

A model is done when nothing else can be taken out.

If there is no Hell, a good many preachers are obtaining money under false pretences.

Heaven is an American salary, a Chinese cook, an English house, and a Japanese wife. Hell is defined as having a Chinese salary, an English cook, a Japanese house, and an American wife.

The use of anthropomorphic terminology when dealing with computing systems is a symptom of professional immaturity.

A sure cure for seasickness is to sit under a tree.

If it wasn't for C, we'd be writing programs in BASI, PASAL, and OBOL.

Don't knock masturbation, it's sex with someone I love .

Sterling's Corollary to Clarke's Law: Any sufficiently advanced garbage is indistinguishable from magic.

I don't know anything about music. In my line you don't have to.

Rarely is the question asked: Is our children learning?

Jesus may love you, but I think you're garbage wrapped in skin.

There is more stupidity than hydrogen in the universe, and it has a longer shelf life.

... one of the main causes of the fall of the Roman Empire was that, lacking zero, they had no way to indicate successful termination of their C programs.

We don't make mistakes, we just have happy little accidents.

Once you eliminate the impossible, whatever remains, no matter how improbable, must be the truth.

I love Mickey Mouse more than any woman I have ever known.

I have not failed. I've just found 10,000 ways that won't work.

Distrust any enterprise that requires new clothes.

Fill what's empty, empty what's full, and scratch where it itches.

You'll notice that Nancy Reagan never drinks water when Ronnie speaks.

Ask her to wait a moment - I am almost done.

Black holes are where God divided by zero.

Everywhere I go I'm asked if I think the university stifles writers. My opinion is that they don't stifle enough of them.

Rarely is the question asked: Is our children learning?

Violence is the last refuge of the incompetent.

In ancient times they had no statistics so they had to fall back on lies.

If you give a man a fish, he will eat for today. If you teach him to fish, he'll understand why some people think golf is exciting.

When I die I'm going to leave my body to science fiction.

I've just learned about his illness. Let's hope it's nothing trivial.

Each problem that I solved became a rule which served afterwards to solve other problems.

Too many pieces of music finish too long after the end.

I do not feel obliged to believe that the same God who has endowed us with sense, reason, and intellect has intended us to forgo their use.

Pray, v.: To ask that the laws of the universe be annulled on behalf of a single petitioner confessedly unworthy.

The graveyards are full of indispensable men.

Devlin's First Law - Buyer beware: in the hands of a charlatan, mathematics can be used to make a vacuous argument look impressive. Devlin's Second Law - So can PowerPoint.

I took a course in speed reading and was able to read War and Peace in twenty minutes. It's about Russia.

The only way to combat criminals is by not voting for them.

True. When your hammer is C++, everything begins to look like a thumb.

Life is pleasant. Death is peaceful. It's the transition that's troublesome.

To sit alone with my conscience will be judgment enough for me.

'Everything you say is boring and incomprehensible', she said, 'but that alone doesn't make it true.'

Researchers have discovered that chocolate produces some of the same reactions in the brain as marijuana. The researchers also discovered other similarities between the two but can't remember what they are.

> > > Goodbye to all! Thanks for years of great fun and good > > > business! > > Suicide or MS C++? > Is there a difference? Suicide hurts only once...

The secret of a good sermon is to have a good beginning and a good ending, then having the two as close together as possible.

So I rang up a local building firm, I said 'I want a skip outside my house.' He said 'I'm not stopping you.'

As nightfall does not come at once, neither does oppression. In both instances, there is a twilight when everything remains unchanged. And it is in such twilight that we all must be most aware of change in the air � however slight � lest we become unwitting victims of the darkness.

I was thrown out of college for cheating on the metaphysics exam; I looked into the soul of the boy next to me.

It's impossible to experience one's death objectively and still carry a tune.

Pray, v.: To ask that the laws of the universe be annulled on behalf of a single petitioner confessedly unworthy.

The only way to get rid of a temptation is to yield to it.

No mention of God. They keep Him up their sleeves for as long as they can, vicars do. They know it puts people off.

As the post said, 'Only God can make a tree,' probably because it's so hard to figure out how to get the bark on.

Because I do it with one small ship, I am called a terrorist. You do it with a whole fleet and are called an emperor.

I'd stop eating chocolate, but I'm no quitter.

Death is one of the few things that can be done as easily lying down. The difference between sex and death is that with death you can do it alone and no one is going to make fun of you.

Rarely is the question asked: Is our children learning?

Sometimes when reading Goethe I have the paralyzing suspicion that he is trying to be funny.

Computer Science is no more about computers than astronomy is about telescopes

If you think it's simple, then you have misunderstood the problem.

A man can't get rich if he takes proper care of his family.

You cannot depend on your eyes when your imagination is out of focus.

The pen is mightier than the sword, and considerably easier to write with.

Deliver yesterday, code today, think tomorrow.

I don't know why we are here, but I'm pretty sure that it is not in order to enjoy ourselves.

Mother-in-law = A woman who destroys her son-in-law's peace of mind by giving him a piece of hers.

Everything secret degenerates, even the administration of justice.

I have spoken many a word, therefore, it is fact.

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I criticize by creation - not by finding fault.

The perfect computer has been developed. You just feed in your problems and they never come out again.

When you do the common things in life in an uncommon way, you will command the attention of the world.

Hearing nuns' confessions is like being stoned to death with popcorn.

I've just learned about his illness. Let's hope it's nothing trivial.

I don't know anything about music. In my line you don't have to.

I hope life isn't a big joke ... because I don't get it.

Intellectuals solve problems; geniuses prevent them.

There is a country in Europe where multiple-choice tests are illegal.

I have never let my schooling interfere with my education.

Put your hand on a hot stove for a minute, and it seems like an hour. Sit with a pretty girl for an hour, and it seems like a minute. THAT'S relativity.

Sex is like air. It's only a big deal if you can't get any.

I've just learned about his illness. Let's hope it's nothing trivial.

They say such nice things about people at their funerals that it makes me sad that I'm going to miss mine by just a few days.

The surest way to corrupt a youth is to instruct him to hold in higher esteem those who think alike than those who think differently

The true measure of a man is how he treats someone who can do him absolutely no good.

Real life is that big, high-res, high-color screen saver behind all the windows.

How can I believe in God when just last week I got my tongue caught in the roller of an electric typewriter?

It is better to have a permanent income than to be fascinating.

Mit der Dummheit kämpfen Götter selbst vergebens

The trouble with the Internet is that it's replacing masturbation as a leisure activity.

Humor is a rubber sword - it allows you to make a point without drawing blood.

Fill the unforgiving minute with sixty seconds worth of distance run.

Jesus may love you, but I think you're garbage wrapped in skin.

Object-oriented programming is an exceptionally bad idea which could only have originated in California.

Politics is the art of looking for trouble, finding it everywhere, diagnosing it incorrectly, and applying the wrong remedies.

Computer /nm./: a device designed to speed and automate errors.

Where humor is concerned there are no standards - no one can say what is good or bad, although you can be sure that everyone will.

An effective way to deal with predators is to taste terrible.

Patriotism means to stand by the country. It does not mean to stand by the president or any other public official...

It's not the size of the dog in the fight, it's the size of the fight in the dog.

You got to be careful if you don't know where you're going, because you might not get there.

There is more stupidity than hydrogen in the universe, and it has a longer shelf life.

Sometimes when reading Goethe I have the paralyzing suspicion that he is trying to be funny.

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The first half of our life is ruined by our parents and the second half by our children.

There is only one nature - the division into science and engineering is a human imposition, not a natural one. Indeed, the division is a human failure; it reflects our limited capacity to comprehend the whole.

We're going to turn this team around 360 degrees.

Because I do it with one small ship, I am called a terrorist. You do it with a whole fleet and are called an emperor.

When you do the common things in life in an uncommon way, you will command the attention of the world.

People demand freedom of speech to make up for the freedom of thought which they avoid.

Who are you going to believe, me or your own eyes?

Ah, you know the type. They like to blame it all on the Jews or the Blacks, 'cause if they couldn't, they'd have to wake up to the fact that life's one big, scary, glorious, complex and ultimately unfathomable crapshoot -- and the only reason THEY can't seem to keep up is they're a bunch of misfits and losers.

A poem is never finished, only abandoned.

A state of war only serves as an excuse for domestic tyranny.

They show you how detergents take out bloodstains. I think if you've got a T-shirt with bloodstains all over it, maybe your laundry isn't your biggest problem.

If a man does his best, what else is there?

Descended from the apes? Let us hope that it is not true. But if it is, let us pray that it may not become generally known.

Humor is always based on a modicum of truth. Have you ever heard a joke about a father-in-law?

Our children are not born to hate, they are raised to hate.

Why don't they make the whole plane out of that black box stuff.

I'm not a member of any organized political party, I'm a Democrat!

The belief in the possibility of a short decisive war appears to be one of the most ancient and dangerous of human illusions.

If the automobile had followed the same development cycle as the computer, a Rolls-Royce would today cost $100, get a million miles per gallon, and explode once a year, killing everyone inside.

A picture is worth a thousand words (which is why it takes a thousand times longer to load...)

I'm living so far beyond my income that we may almost be said to be living apart.

I've had a wonderful time, but this wasn't it.

Why did God create dentists? -- In his infinite love, he thought it would be charitable to His creatures to let them see what Hell is like, during their lives.

A single death is a tragedy, a million deaths is a statistic.

Researchers have discovered that chocolate produces some of the same reactions in the brain as marijuana. The researchers also discovered other similarities between the two but can't remember what they are.

It's strange, isn't it. You stand in the middle of a library and go 'aaaaagghhhh' and everyone just stares at you. But you do the same thing on an aeroplane, and everyone joins in.

If it wasn't for lawyers, we wouldn't need them.

When choosing between two evils, I always like to try the one I've never tried before.

Military glory -- that attractive rainbow, that rises in showers of blood -- that serpent's eye, that charms to destroy...

Some cause happiness wherever they go; others, whenever they go.

The dangerous patriot ... is a defender of militarism and its ideals of war and glory.

A sense of humor is part of the art of leadership, of getting along with people, of getting things done.

I don't want to achieve immortality through my work; I want to achieve immortality through not dying.

Heav'n hath no rage like love to hatred turn'd, Nor Hell a fury, like a woman scorn'd.

Not only is there no God, but you try getting a plumber at weekends.

Love: The warm feeling you get towards someone who meets your neurotic needs.

Copy from one, it's plagiarism; copy from two, it's research.

I love Mickey Mouse more than any woman I have ever known.

If it weren't for electricity we'd all be watching television by candlelight.

If computers get too powerful, we can organize them into a committee -- that will do them in.

Nothing is wrong with California that a rise in the ocean level wouldn't cure.

We all agree that your theory is crazy, but is it crazy enough?

If you haven't got anything nice to say about anybody, come sit next to me.

The role of the president of the United States is to support the decisions that are made by the people of Israel. It is not up to us to pick and choose from among the political parties.

How wrong it is for a woman to expect the man to build the world she wants, rather than to create it herself.

Science is what people understand well enough to explain to a computer. All else is art.

Most people would sooner die than think; in fact, they do so.

I failed to make the chess team because of my height.

Whether you think that you can, or that you can't, you are usually right.

It is a miracle that curiosity survives formal education.

Every day I get up and look through the Forbes list of the richest people in America. If I'm not there, I go to work.

The competent programmer is fully aware of the limited size of his own skull. He therefore approaches his task with full humility, and avoids clever tricks like the plague.

Anyone who considers arithmetical methods of producing random digits is, of course, in a state of sin.

Hofstadter's Law: It always takes longer than you expect, even when you take into account Hofstadter's Law.

Whatever is begun in anger ends in shame.

A husband is what is left of the lover after the nerve has been extracted.

The cynics are right nine times out of ten.

The object of war is not to die for your country but to make the other bastard die for his.

The most likely way for the world to be destroyed, most experts agree, is by accident. That's where we come in; we're computer professionals. We cause accidents.

ASCII stupid question, get a stupid ANSI !

There is no reason anyone would want a computer in their home.

We are not retreating - we are advancing in another Direction.

If you are going through hell, keep going.

Ah well, then I suppose I shall have to die beyond my means.

All I need to make a comedy is a park, a policeman and a pretty girl.

Pardon him, Theodotus; he is a barbarian, and thinks that the customs of his tribe and island are the laws of nature.

To sit alone with my conscience will be judgment enough for me.

The significant problems we face cannot be solved at the same level of thinking we were at when we created them.

I'm always amazed to hear of air crash victims so badly mutilated that they have to be identified by their dental records. What I can't understand is, if they don't know who you are, how do they know who your dentist is?

The de facto role of the US armed forces will be to keep the world safe for our economy and open to our cultural assault.

Friends may come and go, but enemies accumulate.

A committee is a group of people who individually can do nothing but together can decide that nothing can be done.

If the automobile had followed the same development cycle as the computer, a Rolls-Royce would today cost $100, get a million miles per gallon, and explode once a year, killing everyone inside.

Any fool can criticize, condemn, and complain - and most fools do.

The Stones, I love the Stones. I watch them whenever I can. Fred, Barney...

A man can't get rich if he takes proper care of his family.

A narcissist is someone better looking than you are.

The de facto role of the US armed forces will be to keep the world safe for our economy and open to our cultural assault.

It's wonderful to be here in the great state of Chicago.

You ask me if I keep a notebook to record my great ideas. I've only ever had one.

Time is the best teacher; Unfortunately it kills all its students!

Gigerenzer's Law of Indispensable Ignorance: The world cannot function without partially ignorant people.

Gentleman: Knows how to play the bagpipes, but doesn't.

In the End, we will remember not the words of our enemies, but the silence of our friends.

Against stupidity the (very) gods themselves contend in vain

Ask people why they have deer heads on their walls and they tell you it's because they're such beautiful animals. I think my wife is beautiful, but I only have photographs of her on the wall.

The dangerous patriot ... is a defender of militarism and its ideals of war and glory.

Getting an education was a bit like a communicable sexual disease. It made you unsuitable for a lot of jobs and then you had the urge to pass it on.

Real Programmers always confuse Christmas and Halloween because Oct31 == Dec25 !

I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.

DOS Computers manufactured by companies such as IBM, Compaq, Tandy, and millions of others are by far the most popular, with about 70 million machines in use worldwide. Macintosh fans, on the other hand, may note that cockroaches are far more numerous than humans, and that numbers alone do not denote a higher life form.

When the rich think about the poor, they have poor ideas.

Future historians will be able to study at the Jimmy Carter Library, the Gerald Ford Library, the Ronald Reagan Library, and the Bill Clinton Adult Bookstore.

Reality is that which, when you stop believing in it, doesn't go away.

Everywhere I go I'm asked if I think the university stifles writers. My opinion is that they don't stifle enough of them.

Throughout American history, the government has said we're in an unprecedented crisis and that we must live without civil liberties until the crisis is over. It's a hoax.

The world is a tragedy to those who feel, but a comedy to those who think.

One word sums up probably the responsibility of any Governor, and that one word is 'to be prepared'.

Whenever I climb I am followed by a dog called 'Ego'.

If there is no God, who pops up the next Kleenex?

C makes it easy to shoot yourself in the foot; C++ makes it harder, but when you do, it blows away your whole leg.

There is no reason anyone would want a computer in their home.

Instead, I was a painter, and became Picasso.

Why do grandparents and grandchildren get along so well? They have the same enemy -- the mother.

Death is a low chemical trick played on everybody except sequoia trees.

The longer I live the more I see that I am never wrong about anything, and that all the pains that I have so humbly taken to verify my notions have only wasted my time.

Programming today is a race between software engineers striving to build bigger and better idiot-proof programs, and the Universe trying to produce bigger and better idiots. So far, the Universe is winning.

How can I believe in God when just last week I got my tongue caught in the roller of an electric typewriter?

I admire the Pope. I have a lot of respect for anyone who can tour without an album.

Build a man a fire, and he'll be warm for a day. Set a man on fire, and he'll be warm for the rest of his life.

If you need more than five lines to prove something, then you are on the wrong track

If you try and take a cat apart to see how it works, the first thing you have in your hands is a non-working cat.

Deliver yesterday, code today, think tomorrow.

Giving birth is like taking your lower lip and forcing it over your head.

If you take something apart and put it back together again enough times, you will eventually have enough parts left over to build a second one.

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I'm always amazed to hear of air crash victims so badly mutilated that they have to be identified by their dental records. What I can't understand is, if they don't know who you are, how do they know who your dentist is?

It was the experience of mystery -- even if mixed with fear -- that engendered religion.

Fill what's empty, empty what's full, and scratch where it itches.

You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.

A poem is never finished, only abandoned.

We all agree that your theory is crazy, but is it crazy enough?

UNIX is basically a simple operating system, but you have to be a genius to understand the simplicity.

Sailors ought never to go to church. They ought to go to hell, where it is much more comfortable.

Anything that is too stupid to be spoken is sung.

As nightfall does not come at once, neither does oppression. In both instances, there is a twilight when everything remains unchanged. And it is in such twilight that we all must be most aware of change in the air — however slight — lest we become unwitting victims of the darkness.

I was raised in the Jewish tradition, taught never to marry a Gentile woman, shave on a Saturday night and, most especially, never to shave a Gentile woman on a Saturday night.

My advice to you is get married: if you find a good wife you'll be happy; if not, you'll become a philosopher.

In Germany they first came for the Communists, and I didn't speak up because I wasn't a Communist. Then they came for the Jews, and I didn't speak up because I wasn't a Jew. Then they came for the trade unionists, and I didn't speak up because I wasn't a trade unionist. Then they came for the Catholics, and I didn't speak up because I was a Protestant. Then they came for me - and by that time no one was left to speak up.

In any contest between power and patience, bet on patience.

When I die I'm going to leave my body to science fiction.

It's wonderful to be here in the great state of Chicago.

Inanimate objects can be classified scientifically into three major categories; those that don't work, those that break down and those that get lost.

It's clearly a budget. It's got a lot of numbers in it.

The use of COBOL cripples the mind; its teaching should, therefore, be regarded as a criminal offense.

To err is human, but to really foul things up you need a computer.

One of the symptoms of an approaching nervous breakdown is the belief that one's work is terribly important.

'Everything you say is boring and incomprehensible', she said, 'but that alone doesn't make it true.'

Why did God create dentists? -- In his infinite love, he thought it would be charitable to His creatures to let them see what Hell is like, during their lives.

If the United Nations once admits that international disputes can be settled by using force, then we will have destroyed the foundation of the organization and our best hope of establishing a world order.

Early to rise, Early to bed, Makes a man healthy but socially dead.

Ah well, then I suppose I shall have to die beyond my means.

If there is no Hell, a good many preachers are obtaining money under false pretences.

Nine out of ten doctors agree that one out of ten doctors is an idiot.

The truth is more important than the facts.

I believe that sex is a beautiful thing between two people. Between five, it's fantastic.

We must all hear the universal call to like your neighbor like you like to be liked yourself.

I'm very proud of my gold pocket watch. My grandfather, on his deathbed, sold me this watch.

Imagine if every Thursday your shoes exploded if you tied them the usual way. This happens to us all the time with computers, and nobody thinks of complaining.

We all agree that your theory is crazy, but is it crazy enough?

If people are good only because they fear punishment, and hope for reward, then we are a sorry lot indeed.

I failed to make the chess team because of my height.

Don't be so humble - you are not that great.

If the automobile had followed the same development cycle as the computer, a Rolls-Royce would today cost $100, get a million miles per gallon, and explode once a year, killing everyone inside.

Sometimes, the best answer is a more interesting question

Physics is not a religion. If it were, we'd have a much easier time raising money.

Don't be so humble - you are not that great.

Deliver yesterday, code today, think tomorrow.

If you believe in telekinesis, raise my hand.

Never interrupt your enemy when he is making a mistake.

The world is a tragedy to those who feel, but a comedy to those who think.

If you think it's simple, then you have misunderstood the problem.

Maybe this world is another planet's Hell.

The nice thing about egotists is that they don't talk about other people.

Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, the other was eating fireworks. They charged one and let the other one off.

I have never let my schooling interfere with my education.

Men and nations behave wisely once they have exhausted all the other alternatives.

Why was I with her? She reminds me of you. In fact, she reminds me more of you than you do!

We need either less corruption or more chance to participate in it.

Premature optimization is the root of all evil.

They couldn't hit an elephant at this dist--

Comedy is simply a funny way of being serious.

I am an expert of electricity. My father occupied the chair of applied electricity at the state prison.

Those are my principles. If you don't like them I have others.

I shall not waste my days in trying to prolong them.

After every 'victory' you have more enemies.

I have four children which is not bad considering I'm not a Catholic.

Gigerenzer's Law of Indispensable Ignorance: The world cannot function without partially ignorant people.

We don't like their sound, and guitar music is on the way out.

If you were plowing a field, which would you rather use? Two strong oxen or 1024 chickens?

Early to rise, Early to bed, Makes a man healthy but socially dead.

Every normal man must be tempted at times to spit upon his hands, hoist the black flag, and begin slitting throats.

We didn't lose the game; we just ran out of time.

Why don't they make the whole plane out of that black box stuff.

The use of COBOL cripples the mind; its teaching should, therefore, be regarded as a criminal offense.

The music business is a cruel and shallow money trench, a long plastic hallway where thieves and pimps run free, and good men die like dogs. There's also a negative side

To love oneself is the beginning of a lifelong romance

Life is pleasant. Death is peaceful. It's the transition that's troublesome.

I was raised in the Jewish tradition, taught never to marry a Gentile woman, shave on a Saturday night and, most especially, never to shave a Gentile woman on a Saturday night.

Programming is like sex: one mistake and you have to support it for the rest of your life.

We don't make mistakes, we just have happy little accidents.

The opposite of a correct statement is a false statement. The opposite of a profound truth may well be another profound truth.

There is a charm about the forbidden that makes it unspeakably diserable.

Sterling's Corollary to Clarke's Law: Any sufficiently advanced garbage is indistinguishable from magic.

Computers are useless; they can only give you answers.

I'm always amazed to hear of air crash victims so badly mutilated that they have to be identified by their dental records. What I can't understand is, if they don't know who you are, how do they know who your dentist is?

Everything that can be invented has been invented.

Any fool can criticize, condemn, and complain - and most fools do.

I'm always amazed to hear of air crash victims so badly mutilated that they have to be identified by their dental records. What I can't understand is, if they don't know who you are, how do they know who your dentist is?

The great thing about a computer notebook is that no matter how much you stuff into it, it doesn't get bigger or heavier.

I admire the Pope. I have a lot of respect for anyone who can tour without an album.

A printer consists of three main parts: the case, the jammed paper tray and the blinking red light

The use of COBOL cripples the mind; its teaching should, therefore, be regarded as a criminal offense.

Computer /nm./: a device designed to speed and automate errors.

Glory is fleeting, but obscurity is forever.

I don't know anything about music. In my line you don't have to.

If you give a man a fish, he will eat for today. If you teach him to fish, he'll understand why some people think golf is exciting.

Instead, I was a painter, and became Picasso.

You have a cough? Go home tonight, eat a whole box of Ex-Lax -- tomorrow you'll be afraid to cough.

The world is a tragedy to those who feel, but a comedy to those who think.

Ah well, then I suppose I shall have to die beyond my means.

We don't like their sound, and guitar music is on the way out.

If you were plowing a field, which would you rather use? Two strong oxen or 1024 chickens?

Moral indignation is jealousy with a halo.

Elegance is not a dispensable luxury but a factor that decides between success and failure.

I wouldn't mind dying - it's the business of having to stay dead that scares the shit out of me.

The great thing about a computer notebook is that no matter how much you stuff into it, it doesn't get bigger or heavier.

War is not the continuation of politics with different means, it is the greatest mass-crime perpetrated on the community of man.

Man has no right to kill his brother. It is no excuse that he does so in uniform: he only adds the infamy of servitude to the crime of murder.

Hearing nuns' confessions is like being stoned to death with popcorn.

A camel is a horse designed by a committee

In America, anybody can be president. That's one of the risks you take.

Humor is the only test of gravity, and gravity of humor; for a subject which will not bear raillery is suspicious, and a jest which will not bear serious examination is false wit.

It was God who made me so beautiful. If I weren't, then I'd be a teacher.

There are only two tragedies in life: one is not getting what one wants, and the other is getting it.

That is the saving grace of humor, if you fail no one is laughing at you.

Look at you in war. There has never been a just one, never an honorable one, on the part of the instigator of the war.

Should array indices start at 0 or 1? My compromise of 0.5 was rejected without, I thought, proper consideration.

The worst barbarity of war is that it forces men collectively to commit acts against which individually they would revolt with their whole being.

Humor is by far the most significant activity of the human brain.

A friendship founded on business is better than a business founded on friendship.

Why don't they make the whole plane out of that black box stuff.

In theory, there is no difference between theory and practice. But, in practice, there is.

A low voter turnout is an indication of fewer people going to the polls.

Everyone is a genius at least once a year; a real genius has his original ideas closer together.

Machine. Unexpectedly, I'd invented a time

Programming today is a race between software engineers striving to build bigger and better idiot-proof programs, and the Universe trying to produce bigger and better idiots. So far, the Universe is winning.

I choose a block of marble and chop off whatever I don't need.

The bureaucracy is expanding to meet the needs of an expanding bureaucracy.

I criticize by creation - not by finding fault.

Computers can figure out all kinds of problems, except the things in the world that just don't add up.

A friendship founded on business is better than a business founded on friendship.

If you want to make an apple pie from scratch, you must first create the universe.

Researchers have discovered that chocolate produces some of the same reactions in the brain as marijuana. The researchers also discovered other similarities between the two but can't remember what they are.

Men are not disturbed by things, but the view they take of things.

If Tyranny and Oppression come to this land, it will be in the guise of fighting a foreign enemy.

In the End, we will remember not the words of our enemies, but the silence of our friends.

The secret of a good sermon is to have a good beginning and a good ending, then having the two as close together as possible.

I don't believe in the after life, although I am bringing a change of underwear.

Why was I with her? She reminds me of you. In fact, she reminds me more of you than you do!

If FORTRAN has been called an infantile disorder, then PL/I must be classified as a fatal disease.

Misunderstandings and neglect create more confusion in this world than trickery and malice. At any rate, the last two are certainly much less frequent.

I have come to believe that the whole world is an enigma, a harmless enigma that is made terrible by our own mad attempt to interpret it as though it had an underlying truth.

If you are going through hell, keep going.

'Everything you say is boring and incomprehensible', she said, 'but that alone doesn't make it true.'

Ah well, then I suppose I shall have to die beyond my means.

A child of five could understand this. Fetch me a child of five.

Why was I with her? She reminds me of you. In fact, she reminds me more of you than you do!

Computers make it easier to do a lot of things, but most of the things they make it easier to do don't need to be done.

Computer /nm./: a device designed to speed and automate errors.

God is a comedian playing to an audience too afraid to laugh.

You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.

Every nation has its war party. It is not the party of democracy. It is the party of autocracy. It seeks to dominate absolutely.

One out of every three Americans is suffering from some form of mental illness. Think of two of your best friends. If they are OK, then it must be you.

The difference between 'involvement' and 'commitment' is like an eggs-and-ham breakfast: the chicken was 'involved' - the pig was 'committed'.

Only one man ever understood me, and he didn't understand me.

Attention to health is life's greatest hindrance.

Behind every successful man is a woman, behind her is his wife.

If it wasn't for muscle spasms, I wouldn't get any exercise at all.

Obstacles are those frightful things you see when you take your eyes off your goal.

Human history becomes more and more a race between education and catastrophe.

There are worse things in life than death. Have you ever spent an evening with an insurance salesman?

The use of anthropomorphic terminology when dealing with computing systems is a symptom of professional immaturity.

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Every normal man must be tempted at times to spit upon his hands, hoist the black flag, and begin slitting throats.

I criticize by creation - not by finding fault.

Sex is like air. It's only a big deal if you can't get any.

I want to die in my sleep like my grandfather... not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car...

They say such nice things about people at their funerals that it makes me sad that I'm going to miss mine by just a few days.

Diplomacy is the art of saying 'Nice doggie!'... 'til you can find a rock.

A woman is an occasional pleasure but a cigar is always a smoke.

Sometimes when reading Goethe I have the paralyzing suspicion that he is trying to be funny.

Don't knock masturbation, it's sex with someone I love .

True. When your hammer is C++, everything begins to look like a thumb.

A physicist is an atom's way of knowing about atoms.

Hofstadter's Law: It always takes longer than you expect, even when you take into account Hofstadter's Law.

All rights left. All lefts reserved. All reserves removed. All removes right.

They have computers, and they may have other weapons of mass destruction.

I'm not under the alkafluence of inkahol that some thinkle peep I am. It's just the drunker I sit here the longer I get.

A good sermon should be like a woman's skirt: short enough to arouse interest but long enough to cover the essentials.

When you do the common things in life in an uncommon way, you will command the attention of the world.

If you can read this you're not aiming in the right direction.

Show me a sane man and I will cure him for you.

The company doesn't tell me what to say, and I don't tell themwhere to stick it.

Everything is drive-through. In California, they even have a burial service called Jump-In-The-Box.

You can get more with a kind word and a gun than you can with a kind word alone.

Life is pleasant. Death is peaceful. It's the transition that's troublesome.

Absence of evidence is not evidence of absence.

Pascal /n./ A programming language named after a man who would turn over in his grave if he knew about it.

There is only one nature - the division into science and engineering is a human imposition, not a natural one. Indeed, the division is a human failure; it reflects our limited capacity to comprehend the whole.

My advice to you is get married: if you find a good wife you'll be happy; if not, you'll become a philosopher.

I have not failed. I've just found 10,000 ways that won't work.

Why don't they make the whole plane out of that black box stuff.

They laughed when I said I'd be a comedian. They aren't laughing now.

Perfection is achieved, not when there is nothing more to add, but when there is nothing left to take away.

Egotist: a person more interested in himself than in me.

Mit der Dummheit kämpfen Götter selbst vergebens

Write a wise word and your name will live forever.

I have spoken many a word, therefore, it is fact.

The wit makes fun of other persons; the satirist makes fun of the world; the humorist makes fun of himself.

Object-oriented programming is an exceptionally bad idea which could only have originated in California.

Millions long for immortality who do not know what to do with themselves on a rainy Sunday afternoon.

Not everything that can be counted counts, and not everything that counts can be counted.

Linux is like living in a teepee. No Windows, no Gates, Apache in house.

Time is the best teacher; Unfortunately it kills all its students!

We don't make mistakes, we just have happy little accidents.

Make everything as simple as possible, but not simpler.

In all large corporations, there is a pervasive fear that someone, somewhere is having fun with a computer on company time. Networks help alleviate that fear.

ASCII stupid question, get a stupid ANSI !

Humor is just another defense against the universe.

In theory, there is no difference between theory and practice. But, in practice, there is.

Support your local Search and Rescue unit -- get lost.

Richard Nixon is a no good, lying bastard. He can lie out of both sides of his mouth at the same time, and if he ever caught himself telling the truth, he'd lie just to keep his hand in.

I've had a wonderful time, but this wasn't it.

There are people in the world so hungry, that God cannot appear to them except in the form of bread.

I have an existential map; it has 'you are here' written all over it.

Give me chastity and continence, but not yet.

The instinct of nearly all societies is to lock up anybody who is truly free. First, society begins by trying to beat you up. If this fails, they try to poison you. If this fails too, the finish by loading honors on your head.

Research is what I'm doing when I don't know what I'm doing.

To sit alone with my conscience will be judgment enough for me.

Copy from one, it's plagiarism; copy from two, it's research.

Being on the tightrope is living; everything else is waiting.

I don't want to achieve immortality through my work; I want to achieve immortality through not dying.

We need either less corruption or more chance to participate in it.

I have yet to meet a C compiler that is more friendly and easier to use than eating soup with a knife.

What a cruel thing is war: to separate and destroy families and friends, and mar the purest joys and happiness God has granted us in this world; to fill our hearts with hatred instead of love for our neighbors, and to devastate the fair face of this beautiful world.

I am ready to meet my Maker. Whether my Maker is prepared for the great ordeal of meeting me is another matter.

As the post said, 'Only God can make a tree,' probably because it's so hard to figure out how to get the bark on.

Programming is one of the most difficult branches of applied mathematics; the poorer mathematicians had better remain pure mathematicians.

A scholar who cherishes the love of comfort is not fit to be deemed a scholar.

If you haven't got anything nice to say about anybody, come sit next to me.

We totally deny the allegations, and we are trying to identify the allegators.

My opinions might have changed, but not the fact that I am right.

I have six locks on my door, all in a row. When I go out, I lock every other one. I figure no matter how long somebody stands there picking the locks, they are always locking three of them.

We didn't lose the game; we just ran out of time.

Object-oriented programming is an exceptionally bad idea which could only have originated in California.

All truth passes through three stages. First, it is ridiculed. Second, it is violently opposed. Third, it is accepted as being self-evident.

I don't pray because I don't want to bore God.

It's the liberal bias. The press is liberally biased to the right.

I think 'Hail to the Chief' has a nice ring to it.

Sex is like air. It's only a big deal if you can't get any.

There are some experiences in life which should not be demanded twice from any man, and one of them is listening to the Brahms Requiem.

It's not that I'm afraid to die, I just don't want to be there when it happens.

Human history becomes more and more a race between education and catastrophe.

The secret of success is to know something nobody else knows.

You ask me if I keep a notebook to record my great ideas. I've only ever had one.

My neighbour asked if he could use my lawnmower and I told him of course he could, so long as he didn't take it out of my garden.

There are people in the world so hungry, that God cannot appear to them except in the form of bread.

I criticize by creation - not by finding fault.

All things are possible, except skiing through a revolving door.

To jaw-jaw is always better than to war-war.

Descended from the apes? Let us hope that it is not true. But if it is, let us pray that it may not become generally known.

I think 'Hail to the Chief' has a nice ring to it.

All I need to make a comedy is a park, a policeman and a pretty girl.

An effective way to deal with predators is to taste terrible.

They show you how detergents take out bloodstains. I think if you've got a T-shirt with bloodstains all over it, maybe your laundry isn't your biggest problem.

Whether you think that you can, or that you can't, you are usually right.

The use of COBOL cripples the mind; its teaching should, therefore, be regarded as a criminal offense.

When I told the people of Northern Ireland that I was an atheist, a woman in the audience stood up and said, 'Yes, but is it the God of the Catholics or the God of the Protestants in whom you don't believe?

We don't like their sound, and guitar music is on the way out.

If Tyranny and Oppression come to this land, it will be in the guise of fighting a foreign enemy.

'Everything you say is boring and incomprehensible', she said, 'but that alone doesn't make it true.'

Politically Correct UNIX System VI Release notes

Death does not concern us, because as long as we exist, death is not here. And when it does come, we no longer exist.

A radioactive cat has eighteen half-lives.

Smoking is one of the leading causes of statistics.

Being on the tightrope is living; everything else is waiting.

Too many pieces of music finish too long after the end.

Machine. Unexpectedly, I'd invented a time

If you haven't got anything nice to say about anybody, come sit next to me.

I'm fed up to the ears with old men dreaming up wars for young men to die in.

It is better to be quotable than to be honest.

The perfect computer has been developed. You just feed in your problems and they never come out again.

I do not fear computers. I fear the lack of them.

Where are we going, and why am I in this handbasket?

Yes, I'm fat, but you're ugly and I can go on a diet.

Getting an education was a bit like a communicable sexual disease. It made you unsuitable for a lot of jobs and then you had the urge to pass it on.

You got to be careful if you don't know where you're going, because you might not get there.

Science is like sex: sometimes something useful comes out, but that is not the reason we are doing it

The concept is interesting and well-formed, but in order to earn better than a 'C', the idea must be feasible.

Ketchup left overnight on dinner plates has a longer half-life than radioactive waste.

Heaven is an American salary, a Chinese cook, an English house, and a Japanese wife. Hell is defined as having a Chinese salary, an English cook, a Japanese house, and an American wife.

A poem is never finished, only abandoned.

If FORTRAN has been called an infantile disorder, then PL/I must be classified as a fatal disease.

All things are possible, except skiing through a revolving door.

The trouble with the Internet is that it's replacing masturbation as a leisure activity.

We need either less corruption or more chance to participate in it.

Gravity cannot be held responsible for people falling in love.

About the use of language: it is impossible to sharpen a pencil with a blunt axe. It is equally vain to try to do it with ten blunt axes instead.

Man is the best computer we can put aboard a spacecraft... and the only one that can be mass produced with unskilled labor.

Biologically speaking, if something bites you it's more likely to be female.

It is dangerous to be right when the government is wrong.

What a cruel thing is war: to separate and destroy families and friends, and mar the purest joys and happiness God has granted us in this world; to fill our hearts with hatred instead of love for our neighbors, and to devastate the fair face of this beautiful world.

It's impossible to experience one's death objectively and still carry a tune.

Puritanism: The haunting fear that someone, somewhere, may be happy.

We have art to save ourselves from the truth.

It's impossible to experience one's death objectively and still carry a tune.

If you need more than five lines to prove something, then you are on the wrong track

I don't pray because I don't want to bore God.

Against stupidity the (very) gods themselves contend in vain

Believe those who are seeking the truth. Doubt those who find it.

I do not feel obliged to believe that the same God who has endowed us with sense, reason, and intellect has intended us to forgo their use.

Did you ever walk in a room and forget why you walked in? I think that's how dogs spend their lives.

There is only one nature - the division into science and engineering is a human imposition, not a natural one. Indeed, the division is a human failure; it reflects our limited capacity to comprehend the whole.

Science is what people understand well enough to explain to a computer. All else is art.

There are only two tragedies in life: one is not getting what one wants, and the other is getting it.

You cannot depend on your eyes when your imagination is out of focus.

I think there is a world market for maybe five computers.

Why don't you write books people can read?

Before C++ we had to code all of our bugs by hand; now we inherit them.

The belief in the possibility of a short decisive war appears to be one of the most ancient and dangerous of human illusions.

How wrong it is for a woman to expect the man to build the world she wants, rather than to create it herself.

When you have to kill a man, it costs nothing to be polite.

Argue for your limitations, and sure enough they're yours.

When I was a kid I used to pray every night for a new bicycle. Then I realised that the Lord doesn't work that way so I stole one and asked Him to forgive me.

There are many kinds of people in the world. Are you one of them?

An intellectual is someone who has found something more interesting than sex.

Diplomacy is the art of saying 'Nice doggie!'... 'til you can find a rock.

The man who goes alone can start today; but he who travels with another must wait till that other is ready.

Death is one of the few things that can be done as easily lying down. The difference between sex and death is that with death you can do it alone and no one is going to make fun of you.

The world is a tragedy to those who feel, but a comedy to those who think.

A great many people think they are thinking when they are merely rearranging their prejudices.

I don't believe in the after life, although I am bringing a change of underwear.

It is unbecoming for young men to utter maxims.

Getting an education was a bit like a communicable sexual disease. It made you unsuitable for a lot of jobs and then you had the urge to pass it on.

Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, the other was eating fireworks. They charged one and let the other one off.

Distrust any enterprise that requires new clothes.

Most people would sooner die than think; in fact, they do so.

Wise men make proverbs, but fools repeat them.

The use of anthropomorphic terminology when dealing with computing systems is a symptom of professional immaturity.

Humor is the only test of gravity, and gravity of humor; for a subject which will not bear raillery is suspicious, and a jest which will not bear serious examination is false wit.

It is only those who have neither fired a shot nor heard the shrieks and groans of the wounded who cry aloud for blood... War is hell.

There's many a bestseller that could have been prevented by a good teacher.

Go on, get out. Last words are for fools who haven't said enough.

mpyecfkbacueraqgbsij, http://www.oexxynjafw.com dhtkghioyh

The Stones, I love the Stones. I watch them whenever I can. Fred, Barney...

I begin by taking. I shall find scholars later to demonstrate my perfect right.

If quantum physics doesn't confuse you then you don't understand it.

Modern capitalism is not about free markets, it is about building sufficient mass that the market gravitationally collapses around you.

A blind bloke walks into a shop with a guide dog. He picks the Dog up and starts swinging it around his head. Alarmed, a shop assistant calls out: 'Can I help, sir?' 'No thanks,' says the blind bloke. 'Just looking.'

The internet is not something you just dump something on. It's not a truck. It's a series of tubes!

No one can earn a million dollars honestly.

Subtlety is the art of saying what you think and getting out of the way before it is understood.

Science is like sex: sometimes something useful comes out, but that is not the reason we are doing it

We didn't lose the game; we just ran out of time.

I've always wanted to be somebody, but I should have been more specific.

Look at you in war. There has never been a just one, never an honorable one, on the part of the instigator of the war.

Maybe this world is another planet's Hell.

One morning I shot a bear in my pajamas. How it got into my pajamas I'll never know.

Basically, I no longer work for anything but the sensation I have while working.

Puritanism: The haunting fear that someone, somewhere, may be happy.

The question of whether a computer can think is no more interesting than the question of whether a submarine can swim.

Maybe there is no actual place called hell. Maybe hell is just having to listen to our grandparents breathe through their noses when they're eating sandwiches.

Linux is like living in a teepee. No Windows, no Gates, Apache in house.

If it wasn't for C, we'd be writing programs in BASI, PASAL, and OBOL.

The surest way to corrupt a youth is to instruct him to hold in higher esteem those who think alike than those who think differently

When ideas fail, words come in very handy.

So I rang up a local building firm, I said 'I want a skip outside my house.' He said 'I'm not stopping you.'

I'm all in favor of keeping dangerous weapons out of the hands of fools. Let's start with typewriters.

I'm fed up to the ears with old men dreaming up wars for young men to die in.

Argue for your limitations, and sure enough they're yours.

Democracy is where you can say what you think even if you don't think.

God is a comedian playing to an audience too afraid to laugh.

It's dangerous to underestimate the intelligence of a customer who grew a business that's successful enough to require a large and complex set of software

Absence of evidence is not evidence of absence.

Ah well, then I suppose I shall have to die beyond my means.

2 + 2 = 5, for extremely large values of 2.

Everything has been figured out, except how to live.

It's clearly a budget. It's got a lot of numbers in it.

Programming is like sex: one mistake and you have to support it for the rest of your life.

The cynics are right nine times out of ten.

There are only two ways to live your life. One is as though nothing is a miracle. The other is as though everything is a miracle.

A terrorist is someone who has a bomb, but doesn't have an air force.

Every day I get up and look through the Forbes list of the richest people in America. If I'm not there, I go to work.

Sometimes a scream is better than a thesis.

We had gay burglars the other night. They broke in and rearranged the furniture.

I invented the term Object-Oriented, and I can tell you I did not have C++ in mind.

I'm all in favor of keeping dangerous weapons out of the hands of fools. Let's start with typewriters.

Any fool can criticize, condemn, and complain - and most fools do.

Show me a sane man and I will cure him for you.

No one can earn a million dollars honestly.

When ideas fail, words come in very handy.

Science is like sex: sometimes something useful comes out, but that is not the reason we are doing it

I don't know why we are here, but I'm pretty sure that it is not in order to enjoy ourselves.

You'll notice that Nancy Reagan never drinks water when Ronnie speaks.

Java, the best argument for Smalltalk since C++.

Programming is like sex: one mistake and you have to support it for the rest of your life.

Before C++ we had to code all of our bugs by hand; now we inherit them.

Talent does what it can; genius does what it must.

Researchers have discovered that chocolate produces some of the same reactions in the brain as marijuana. The researchers also discovered other similarities between the two but can't remember what they are.

Every normal man must be tempted at times to spit upon his hands, hoist the black flag, and begin slitting throats.

If it wasn't for lawyers, we wouldn't need them.

A lie gets halfway around the world before the truth has a chance to get its pants on.

Modern capitalism is not about free markets, it is about building sufficient mass that the market gravitationally collapses around you.

The only difference between me and a madman is that I'm not mad.

In the End, we will remember not the words of our enemies, but the silence of our friends.

When I told the people of Northern Ireland that I was an atheist, a woman in the audience stood up and said, 'Yes, but is it the God of the Catholics or the God of the Protestants in whom you don't believe?

It's not the size of the dog in the fight, it's the size of the fight in the dog.

A good sermon should be like a woman's skirt: short enough to arouse interest but long enough to cover the essentials.

Show me a sane man and I will cure him for you.

Cholesterol is your natural defence against excessive circulation of blood, which can carry venoms, poisons and other toxins around your body.

All I need to make a comedy is a park, a policeman and a pretty girl.

Glory is fleeting, but obscurity is forever.

Why do grandparents and grandchildren get along so well? They have the same enemy -- the mother.

Computers are useless; they can only give you answers.

It is dangerous to be right when the government is wrong.

I'm not a member of any organized political party, I'm a Democrat!

Violence is the last refuge of the incompetent.

I've always wanted to be somebody, but I should have been more specific.

What is morally wrong can never be advantageous, even when it enables you to make some gain that you believe to be to your advantage.

The cry has been that when war is declared, all opposition should be hushed. A sentiment more unworthy of a free country could hardly be propagated.

Comedy is nothing more than tragedy deferred.

The secret of creativity is knowing how to hide your sources.

Richard Nixon is a no good, lying bastard. He can lie out of both sides of his mouth at the same time, and if he ever caught himself telling the truth, he'd lie just to keep his hand in.

I was playing poker the other night... with Tarot cards. I got a full house and 4 people died.

Now, now my good man, this is no time for making enemies.

So I rang up a local building firm, I said 'I want a skip outside my house.' He said 'I'm not stopping you.'

Don't knock masturbation, it's sex with someone I love .

Once is happenstance. Twice is coincidence. Three times is enemy action.

If absolute power corrupts absolutely, where does that leave God?

If you believe in telekinesis, raise my hand.

The opposite of a correct statement is a false statement. The opposite of a profound truth may well be another profound truth.

The problem with people who have no vices is that generally you can be pretty sure they're going to have some pretty annoying virtues.

One morning I shot a bear in my pajamas. How it got into my pajamas I'll never know.

When his life was ruined, his family killed, his farm destroyed, Job knelt down on the ground and yelled up to the heavens, 'Why god? Why me?' and the thundering voice of God answered, 'There's just something about you that pisses me off.'

Throughout American history, the government has said we're in an unprecedented crisis and that we must live without civil liberties until the crisis is over. It's a hoax.

We had gay burglars the other night. They broke in and rearranged the furniture.

If I were two-faced, would I be wearing this one?

Not everything that can be counted counts, and not everything that counts can be counted.

You ask me if I keep a notebook to record my great ideas. I've only ever had one.

I've never seen anyone change his mind because of the power of a superior argument or the acquisition of new facts. But I've seen plenty of people change behavior to avoid being mocked.

A physicist is an atom's way of knowing about atoms.

Always do right- this will gratify some and astonish the rest.

We've all heard that a million monkeys banging on a million typewriters will eventually reproduce the entire works of Shakespeare. Now, thanks to the Internet, we know this is not true.

I've never seen anyone change his mind because of the power of a superior argument or the acquisition of new facts. But I've seen plenty of people change behavior to avoid being mocked.

Liberty and democracy become unholy when their hands are dyed red with innocent blood.

The graveyards are full of indispensable men.

To the Honourable Member opposite I say, when he goes home tonight, may his mother run out from under the porch and bark at him

But at my back I always hear Time's winged chariot hurrying near.

Everywhere I go I'm asked if I think the university stifles writers. My opinion is that they don't stifle enough of them.

If we knew what it was we were doing, it would not be called research, would it?

UNIX is basically a simple operating system, but you have to be a genius to understand the simplicity.

Basically, I no longer work for anything but the sensation I have while working.

Puritanism: The haunting fear that someone, somewhere, may be happy.

If it wasn't for muscle spasms, I wouldn't get any exercise at all.

Millions long for immortality who do not know what to do with themselves on a rainy Sunday afternoon.

The opposite of a correct statement is a false statement. The opposite of a profound truth may well be another profound truth.

Sometimes a scream is better than a thesis.

To the Honourable Member opposite I say, when he goes home tonight, may his mother run out from under the porch and bark at him

Make everything as simple as possible, but not simpler.

Humor is also a way of saying something serious.

Fill what's empty, empty what's full, and scratch where it itches.

It is unbecoming for young men to utter maxims.

There is no sincerer love than the love of food.

I have an existential map; it has 'you are here' written all over it.

If Stupidity got us into this mess, then why can't it get us out?

If toast always lands butter-side down, and cats always land on their feet, what happens if you strap toast on the back of a cat and drop it?

It was the experience of mystery -- even if mixed with fear -- that engendered religion.

Against stupidity the (very) gods themselves contend in vain

Genius may have its limitations, but stupidity is not thus handicapped.

I was playing poker the other night... with Tarot cards. I got a full house and 4 people died.

Democracy does not guarantee equality of conditions - it only guarantees equality of opportunity.

In the End, we will remember not the words of our enemies, but the silence of our friends.

Giving birth is like taking your lower lip and forcing it over your head.

I'd give my right arm to be ambidextrous.

A state of war only serves as an excuse for domestic tyranny.

The difference between 'involvement' and 'commitment' is like an eggs-and-ham breakfast: the chicken was 'involved' - the pig was 'committed'.

Ask her to wait a moment - I am almost done.

The only way to combat criminals is by not voting for them.

Jesus may love you, but I think you're garbage wrapped in skin.

Researchers have discovered that chocolate produces some of the same reactions in the brain as marijuana. The researchers also discovered other similarities between the two but can't remember what they are.

Heav'n hath no rage like love to hatred turn'd, Nor Hell a fury, like a woman scorn'd.

For centuries, theologians have been explaining the unknowable in terms of the-not-worth-knowing.

I've had a wonderful time, but this wasn't it.

Reality is merely an illusion, albeit a very persistent one.

A coward is a hero with a wife, kids, and a mortgage.

Death does not concern us, because as long as we exist, death is not here. And when it does come, we no longer exist.

If women didn't exist, all the money in the world would have no meaning.

We're going to turn this team around 360 degrees.

If you can read this you're not aiming in the right direction.

You can pretend to be serious; you can't pretend to be witty.

Anyone who starts a sentence, 'With all due respect ...' is about to insult you.

Everything that can be invented has been invented.

Only a free and unrestrained press can effectively expose deception in government.

Dying is a very dull, dreary affair. And my advice to you is to have nothing whatever to do with it.

Did you ever walk in a room and forget why you walked in? I think that's how dogs spend their lives.

Barabási's Law of Programming: Program development ends when the program does what you expect it to do — whether it is correct or not.

Why was I with her? She reminds me of you. In fact, she reminds me more of you than you do!

Comedy is simply a funny way of being serious.

Love: The warm feeling you get towards someone who meets your neurotic needs.

They couldn't hit an elephant at this dist--

It's the liberal bias. The press is liberally biased to the right.

We need either less corruption or more chance to participate in it.

If Al Gore invented the Internet, I invented spell check.

I have six locks on my door, all in a row. When I go out, I lock every other one. I figure no matter how long somebody stands there picking the locks, they are always locking three of them.

Raymond's Law of Software: Given a sufficiently large number of eyeballs, all bugs are shallow.

Manuscript: something submitted in haste and returned at leisure.

Everything is drive-through. In California, they even have a burial service called Jump-In-The-Box.

Reality is merely an illusion, albeit a very persistent one.

The only difference between me and a madman is that I'm not mad.

The optimist proclaims that we live in the best of all possible worlds, and the pessimist fears this is true.

He managed to stupid himself right into the White House.

Your Highness, I have no need of this hypothesis.

All our knowledge merely helps us to die a more painful death than animals that know nothing.

Mother-in-law = A woman who destroys her son-in-law's peace of mind by giving him a piece of hers.

Money is better than poverty, if only for financial reasons.

I am ready to meet my Maker. Whether my Maker is prepared for the great ordeal of meeting me is another matter.

One word sums up probably the responsibility of any Governor, and that one word is 'to be prepared'.

We're going to turn this team around 360 degrees.

Anything that is too stupid to be spoken is sung.

And the clueless shall spend their time reinventing the wheel while the elite merely use the Wordstar key mappings

Military justice is to justice what military music is to music.

Only one man ever understood me, and he didn't understand me.

He can compress the most words into the smallest idea of any man I know.

Oh for pity's sake. HERE. Two pebbles. Two more pebbles. FOUR pebbles. What is WRONG with you people?

If I held you any closer I would be on the other side of you.

Talent does what it can; genius does what it must.

A radioactive cat has eighteen half-lives.

I do not fear computers. I fear the lack of them.

Not only is there no God, but you try getting a plumber at weekends.

It's dangerous to underestimate the intelligence of a customer who grew a business that's successful enough to require a large and complex set of software

No mention of God. They keep Him up their sleeves for as long as they can, vicars do. They know it puts people off.

The only way to get rid of a temptation is to yield to it.

Sometimes, the best answer is a more interesting question

It is only those who have neither fired a shot nor heard the shrieks and groans of the wounded who cry aloud for blood... War is hell.

Happiness is good health and a bad memory.

We don't make mistakes, we just have happy little accidents.

Whenever I climb I am followed by a dog called 'Ego'.

C++: an octopus made by nailing extra legs onto a dog

Before the war is ended, the war party assumes the divine right to denounce and silence all opposition to war as unpatriotic and cowardly.

If you need more than five lines to prove something, then you are on the wrong track

The worst crimes were dared by a few, willed by more and tolerated by all.

A great many people think they are thinking when they are merely rearranging their prejudices.

I do not feel obliged to believe that the same God who has endowed us with sense, reason, and intellect has intended us to forgo their use.

Having the source code is the difference between buying a house and renting an apartment.

When the rich think about the poor, they have poor ideas.

If there is no God, who pops up the next Kleenex?

I have six locks on my door, all in a row. When I go out, I lock every other one. I figure no matter how long somebody stands there picking the locks, they are always locking three of them.

The wit makes fun of other persons; the satirist makes fun of the world; the humorist makes fun of himself.

Good people do not need laws to tell them to act responsibly, while bad people will find a way around the laws.

If Al Gore invented the Internet, I invented spell check.

Chaos Theory is a new theory invented by scientists panicked by the thought that the public were beginning to understand the old ones.

A child of five could understand this. Fetch me a child of five.

Democracy does not guarantee equality of conditions - it only guarantees equality of opportunity.

A coward is a hero with a wife, kids, and a mortgage.

No one can earn a million dollars honestly.

Is your argument that the Creator of the Universe was working under a deadline and His manager forced Him to rush inefficient designs into production?

Basically, I no longer work for anything but the sensation I have while working.

When you've seen one non-sequitur, the price of tea in China.

I do not fear computers. I fear the lack of them.

Every day I get up and look through the Forbes list of the richest people in America. If I'm not there, I go to work.

Whenever I climb I am followed by a dog called 'Ego'.

Maybe this world is another planet's Hell.

Glory is fleeting, but obscurity is forever.

That is the saving grace of humor, if you fail no one is laughing at you.

Deliver yesterday, code today, think tomorrow.

Humor is always based on a modicum of truth. Have you ever heard a joke about a father-in-law?

Who are you going to believe, me or your own eyes?

Ask people why they have deer heads on their walls and they tell you it's because they're such beautiful animals. I think my wife is beautiful, but I only have photographs of her on the wall.

If you want to make an apple pie from scratch, you must first create the universe.

Hearing nuns' confessions is like being stoned to death with popcorn.

The company doesn't tell me what to say, and I don't tell themwhere to stick it.

Eternal nothingness is fine if you happen to be dressed for it.

Subtlety is the art of saying what you think and getting out of the way before it is understood.

Hi there, what's up you guys???

We had gay burglars the other night. They broke in and rearranged the furniture.

Linux is like living in a teepee. No Windows, no Gates, Apache in house.

2 + 2 = 5, for extremely large values of 2.

One of the symptoms of an approaching nervous breakdown is the belief that one's work is terribly important.

Patriotism means to stand by the country. It does not mean to stand by the president or any other public official...

The object of war is not to die for your country but to make the other bastard die for his.

The bureaucracy is expanding to meet the needs of an expanding bureaucracy.

The secret of creativity is knowing how to hide your sources.

Chaos Theory is a new theory invented by scientists panicked by the thought that the public were beginning to understand the old ones.

We've all heard that a million monkeys banging on a million typewriters will eventually reproduce the entire works of Shakespeare. Now, thanks to the Internet, we know this is not true.

If FORTRAN has been called an infantile disorder, then PL/I must be classified as a fatal disease.

Don't drive me crazy -- it's within walking distance.

Jesus may love you, but I think you're garbage wrapped in skin.

Good teaching is one-fourth preparation and three-fourths theater.

They couldn't hit an elephant at this dist--

Elegance is not a dispensable luxury but a factor that decides between success and failure.

Everything that can be invented has been invented.

There are worse things in life than death. Have you ever spent an evening with an insurance salesman?

Sometimes, the best answer is a more interesting question

They couldn't hit an elephant at this dist--

The trouble with the Internet is that it's replacing masturbation as a leisure activity.

Maybe there is no actual place called hell. Maybe hell is just having to listen to our grandparents breathe through their noses when they're eating sandwiches.

Show me a sane man and I will cure him for you.

I know that there are people in this world who do not love their fellow human beings, and I hate people like that.

A doctor can bury his mistakes but an architect can only advise his clients to plant vines.

I don't want to achieve immortality through my work; I want to achieve immortality through not dying.

The covers of this book are too far apart.

It is dangerous to be sincere unless you are also stupid.

There are people in the world so hungry, that God cannot appear to them except in the form of bread.

A friendship founded on business is better than a business founded on friendship.

Hanlon's Razor: Never attribute to malice that which can be adequately explained by stupidity.

I failed to make the chess team because of my height.

There are worse things in life than death. Have you ever spent an evening with an insurance salesman?

Sailors ought never to go to church. They ought to go to hell, where it is much more comfortable.

A committee is a group of people who individually can do nothing but together can decide that nothing can be done.

If you can't get rid of the skeleton in your closet, you'd best teach it to dance.

One doesn't have a sense of humor. It has you.

When did I realize I was God? Well, I was praying and I suddenly realized I was talking to myself.

Ever notice when you blow in a dog's face he gets mad at you, but when you take him in a car he sticks his head out the window?

I just bought a Mac to help me design the next Cray.

If people can judge me on the company I keep, they would judge me with keeping really good company with Laura.

If Stupidity got us into this mess, then why can't it get us out?

Chaos Theory is a new theory invented by scientists panicked by the thought that the public were beginning to understand the old ones.

They couldn't hit an elephant at this dist--

If quantum physics doesn't confuse you then you don't understand it.

The chain reaction of evil -- wars producing more wars -- must be broken, or we shall be plunged into the dark abyss of annihilation.

When I told the people of Northern Ireland that I was an atheist, a woman in the audience stood up and said, 'Yes, but is it the God of the Catholics or the God of the Protestants in whom you don't believe?

Not even computers will replace committees, because committees buy computers.

I'd stop eating chocolate, but I'm no quitter.

I failed to make the chess team because of my height.

We don't like their sound, and guitar music is on the way out.

People demand freedom of speech to make up for the freedom of thought which they avoid.

I don't know why we are here, but I'm pretty sure that it is not in order to enjoy ourselves.

It's wonderful to be here in the great state of Chicago.

Talk sense to a fool and he calls you foolish.

I never forget a face, but in your case I'll be glad to make an exception.

The most important job is not to be Governor, or First Lady in my case.

In ancient times they had no statistics so they had to fall back on lies.

Imagine if every Thursday your shoes exploded if you tied them the usual way. This happens to us all the time with computers, and nobody thinks of complaining.

I am an expert of electricity. My father occupied the chair of applied electricity at the state prison.

Distrust any enterprise that requires new clothes.

UNIX is basically a simple operating system, but you have to be a genius to understand the simplicity.

Programming today is a race between software engineers striving to build bigger and better idiot-proof programs, and the Universe trying to produce bigger and better idiots. So far, the Universe is winning.

Not even computers will replace committees, because committees buy computers.

USA Today has come out with a new survey: Apparently three out of four people make up 75 percent of the population.

I have had a perfectly wonderful evening, but this wasn't it.

Invading Iraq after 9/11 was like invading Mexico after Pearl Harbor.

There are many kinds of people in the world. Are you one of them?

Defining and analyzing humor is a pastime of humorless people.

Go on, get out. Last words are for fools who haven't said enough.

Put your hand on a hot stove for a minute, and it seems like an hour. Sit with a pretty girl for an hour, and it seems like a minute. THAT'S relativity.

The opposite of a correct statement is a false statement. The opposite of a profound truth may well be another profound truth.

A man can't be too careful in the choice of his enemies.

Defining and analyzing humor is a pastime of humorless people.

Ever notice that anyone going slower than you is an idiot, but anyone going faster is a maniac?

Computers can figure out all kinds of problems, except the things in the world that just don't add up.

The most overlooked advantage of owning a computer is that if they foul up there's no law against whacking them around a bit.

The wit makes fun of other persons; the satirist makes fun of the world; the humorist makes fun of himself.

Humor is always based on a modicum of truth. Have you ever heard a joke about a father-in-law?

Science is what people understand well enough to explain to a computer. All else is art.

A sense of humor is part of the art of leadership, of getting along with people, of getting things done.

A doctor can bury his mistakes but an architect can only advise his clients to plant vines.

I wouldn't mind dying - it's the business of having to stay dead that scares the shit out of me.

Write a wise word and your name will live forever.

Man is the best computer we can put aboard a spacecraft... and the only one that can be mass produced with unskilled labor.

Where humor is concerned there are no standards - no one can say what is good or bad, although you can be sure that everyone will.

Everything that can be invented has been invented.

When you have to kill a man, it costs nothing to be polite.

All are lunatics, but he who can analyze his delusion is called a philosopher.

The only rules comedy can tolerate are those of taste, and the only limitations those of libel.

A sense of humor is part of the art of leadership, of getting along with people, of getting things done.

It was God who made me so beautiful. If I weren't, then I'd be a teacher.

A great many people think they are thinking when they are merely rearranging their prejudices.

If absolute power corrupts absolutely, where does that leave God?

The music business is a cruel and shallow money trench, a long plastic hallway where thieves and pimps run free, and good men die like dogs. There's also a negative side

Don't drive me crazy -- it's within walking distance.

Humor is a rubber sword - it allows you to make a point without drawing blood.

Louis Pasteur's theory of germs is ridiculous fiction.

I hate those men who would send into war youth to fight and die for them; the pride and cowardice of those old men, making their wars that boys must die.

If people can judge me on the company I keep, they would judge me with keeping really good company with Laura.

Why did God create dentists? -- In his infinite love, he thought it would be charitable to His creatures to let them see what Hell is like, during their lives.

The cry has been that when war is declared, all opposition should be hushed. A sentiment more unworthy of a free country could hardly be propagated.

If the brain were so simple we could understand it, we would be so simple we couldn't.

Multitasking /adj./ 3 PCs and a chair with wheels !

In this war – as in others – I am less interested in honoring the dead than in preventing the dead.

Testing proves the presence, not the absence, of bugs.

Politics is the art of looking for trouble, finding it everywhere, diagnosing it incorrectly, and applying the wrong remedies.

Always go to other people's funerals, otherwise they won't come to yours.

A doctor can bury his mistakes but an architect can only advise his clients to plant vines.

Against stupidity the (very) gods themselves contend in vain

All sorts of computer errors are now turning up. You'd be surprised to know the number of doctors who claim they are treating pregnant men.

Machine. Unexpectedly, I'd invented a time

It is time I stepped aside for a less experienced and less able man.

Go on, get out. Last words are for fools who haven't said enough.

Victory goes to the player who makes the next-to-last mistake.

In the begining there was nothing and God said 'Let there be light', and there was still nothing but everybody could see it.

Computer Science is no more about computers than astronomy is about telescopes

A camel is a horse designed by a committee

If FORTRAN has been called an infantile disorder, then PL/I must be classified as a fatal disease.

A lie gets halfway around the world before the truth has a chance to get its pants on.

What is morally wrong can never be advantageous, even when it enables you to make some gain that you believe to be to your advantage.

Death is one of the few things that can be done as easily lying down. The difference between sex and death is that with death you can do it alone and no one is going to make fun of you.

In this world, nothing is certain but death and taxes.

You cannot depend on your eyes when your imagination is out of focus.

If you want to make an apple pie from scratch, you must first create the universe.

The only rules comedy can tolerate are those of taste, and the only limitations those of libel.

Pray, v.: To ask that the laws of the universe be annulled on behalf of a single petitioner confessedly unworthy.

Believe those who are seeking the truth. Doubt those who find it.

He had decided to live forever or die in the attempt.

Humor is also a way of saying something serious.

I don't know why we are here, but I'm pretty sure that it is not in order to enjoy ourselves.

In the begining there was nothing and God said 'Let there be light', and there was still nothing but everybody could see it.

You can pretend to be serious; you can't pretend to be witty.

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Defining and analyzing humor is a pastime of humorless people.

Always go to other people's funerals, otherwise they won't come to yours.

C++: an octopus made by nailing extra legs onto a dog

Clothes make the man. Naked people have little or no influence on society.

One word sums up probably the responsibility of any Governor, and that one word is 'to be prepared'.

I have made this letter longer than usual because I lack the time to make it shorter.

There are some experiences in life which should not be demanded twice from any man, and one of them is listening to the Brahms Requiem.

Humor is by far the most significant activity of the human brain.

The true measure of a man is how he treats someone who can do him absolutely no good.

A state of war only serves as an excuse for domestic tyranny.

We don't like their sound, and guitar music is on the way out.

Biologically speaking, if something bites you it's more likely to be female.

It's dangerous to underestimate the intelligence of a customer who grew a business that's successful enough to require a large and complex set of software

Everything that can be invented has been invented.

Future historians will be able to study at the Jimmy Carter Library, the Gerald Ford Library, the Ronald Reagan Library, and the Bill Clinton Adult Bookstore.

Linux is like living in a teepee. No Windows, no Gates, Apache in house.

When you hear hoofbeats, think of horses, not zebras.

Anything that is too stupid to be spoken is sung.

Obstacles are those frightful things you see when you take your eyes off your goal.

I know that there are people in this world who do not love their fellow human beings, and I hate people like that.

It's the liberal bias. The press is liberally biased to the right.

A coward is a hero with a wife, kids, and a mortgage.

I have seen the future and it is just like the present, only longer.

A husband is what is left of the lover after the nerve has been extracted.

Elegance is not a dispensable luxury but a factor that decides between success and failure.

It's clearly a budget. It's got a lot of numbers in it.

If a man does his best, what else is there?

If you need more than five lines to prove something, then you are on the wrong track

Fill what's empty, empty what's full, and scratch where it itches.

Mother-in-law = A woman who destroys her son-in-law's peace of mind by giving him a piece of hers.

I could not possibly fail to disagree with you less.

University politics are vicious precisely because the stakes are so small.

If the United Nations once admits that international disputes can be settled by using force, then we will have destroyed the foundation of the organization and our best hope of establishing a world order.

I failed to make the chess team because of my height.

It was God who made me so beautiful. If I weren't, then I'd be a teacher.

Anyone who starts a sentence, 'With all due respect ...' is about to insult you.

If you were plowing a field, which would you rather use? Two strong oxen or 1024 chickens?

Reality is that which, when you stop believing in it, doesn't go away.

A sure cure for seasickness is to sit under a tree.

The use of COBOL cripples the mind; its teaching should, therefore, be regarded as a criminal offense.

Reality is merely an illusion, albeit a very persistent one.

Computers are useless; they can only give you answers.

There are only two tragedies in life: one is not getting what one wants, and the other is getting it.

A child of five could understand this. Fetch me a child of five.

Military glory -- that attractive rainbow, that rises in showers of blood -- that serpent's eye, that charms to destroy...

It is a miracle that curiosity survives formal education.

I choose a block of marble and chop off whatever I don't need.

Build a man a fire, and he'll be warm for a day. Set a man on fire, and he'll be warm for the rest of his life.

Gentleman: Knows how to play the bagpipes, but doesn't.

When choosing between two evils, I always like to try the one I've never tried before.

My advice to you is get married: if you find a good wife you'll be happy; if not, you'll become a philosopher.

Everything has been figured out, except how to live.

Blessed is the man, who having nothing to say, abstains from giving wordy evidence of the fact.

Why was I with her? She reminds me of you. In fact, she reminds me more of you than you do!

Put your hand on a hot stove for a minute, and it seems like an hour. Sit with a pretty girl for an hour, and it seems like a minute. THAT'S relativity.

That is the saving grace of humor, if you fail no one is laughing at you.

So I was getting into my car, and this bloke says to me

Patriotism means to stand by the country. It does not mean to stand by the president or any other public official...

I criticize by creation - not by finding fault.

I shall not waste my days in trying to prolong them.

If you need more than five lines to prove something, then you are on the wrong track

Every journalist has a novel in him, which is an excellent place for it.

When you've seen one non-sequitur, the price of tea in China.

I was raised in the Jewish tradition, taught never to marry a Gentile woman, shave on a Saturday night and, most especially, never to shave a Gentile woman on a Saturday night.

Despite the high cost of living, it remains popular.

Analyzing humor is like dissecting a frog. Few people are interested and the frog dies of it.

Minsky's Second Law: Don't just do something. Stand there.

A sure cure for seasickness is to sit under a tree.

Few things are harder to put up with than a good example.

The artist is nothing without the gift, but the gift is nothing without work.

Ah, you know the type. They like to blame it all on the Jews or the Blacks, 'cause if they couldn't, they'd have to wake up to the fact that life's one big, scary, glorious, complex and ultimately unfathomable crapshoot -- and the only reason THEY can't seem to keep up is they're a bunch of misfits and losers.

A woman is an occasional pleasure but a cigar is always a smoke.

They show you how detergents take out bloodstains. I think if you've got a T-shirt with bloodstains all over it, maybe your laundry isn't your biggest problem.

The purpose of computing is not numbers but insight.

Before C++ we had to code all of our bugs by hand; now we inherit them.

Any fool can criticize, condemn, and complain - and most fools do.

Military glory -- that attractive rainbow, that rises in showers of blood -- that serpent's eye, that charms to destroy...

I think 'Hail to the Chief' has a nice ring to it.

A single death is a tragedy, a million deaths is a statistic.

In the End, we will remember not the words of our enemies, but the silence of our friends.

O'Toole's Corollary of Finagle's Law: The perversity of the Universe tends towards a maximum.

Humor is also a way of saying something serious.

I believe that sex is a beautiful thing between two people. Between five, it's fantastic.

Men are not disturbed by things, but the view they take of things.

Marry me and I'll never look at another horse!

Forgive your enemies, but never forget their names.

Tact is the ability to tell a man he has an open mind when he has a hole in his head.

A hen is only an egg�s way of making another egg.

Whatever is begun in anger ends in shame.

Descended from the apes? Let us hope that it is not true. But if it is, let us pray that it may not become generally known.

A camel is a horse designed by a committee

C++: an octopus made by nailing extra legs onto a dog

Patriotism means to stand by the country. It does not mean to stand by the president or any other public official...

For centuries, theologians have been explaining the unknowable in terms of the-not-worth-knowing.

Be nice to people on your way up because you meet them on your way down.

Learning is what most adults will do for a living in the 21st century.

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There are two ways of constructing a software design; one way is to make it so simple that there are obviously no deficiencies, and the other way is to make it so complicated that there are no obvious deficiencies. The first method is far more difficult.

2 + 2 = 5, for extremely large values of 2.

The concept is interesting and well-formed, but in order to earn better than a 'C', the idea must be feasible.

I'm always amazed to hear of air crash victims so badly mutilated that they have to be identified by their dental records. What I can't understand is, if they don't know who you are, how do they know who your dentist is?

Believe those who are seeking the truth. Doubt those who find it.

So I was getting into my car, and this bloke says to me

If electricity comes from electrons, does that mean that morality comes from morons?

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Let him who takes the Plunge remember to return it by Tuesday.

The covers of this book are too far apart.

For if he like a madman lived, At least he like a wise one died.

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The longer I live the more I see that I am never wrong about anything, and that all the pains that I have so humbly taken to verify my notions have only wasted my time.

Descended from the apes?Let us hope that it is not true. But if it is,let us pray that it may not become generally known.

Hofstadter's Law: It always takes longer than you expect, even when you take into account Hofstadter's Law.

Forgive your enemies, but never forget their names.

Man is the best computer we can put aboard a spacecraft... and the only one that can be mass produced with unskilled labor.

Reality is that which, when you stop believing in it, doesn't go away.

There is more stupidity than hydrogen in the universe, and it has a longer shelf life.

I believe that sex is a beautiful thing between two people. Between five, it's fantastic.

To the Honourable Member opposite I say, when he goes home tonight, may his mother run out from under the porch and bark at him

Cholesterol is your natural defence against excessive circulation of blood, which can carry venoms, poisons and other toxins around your body.

We need either less corruption or more chance to participate in it.

The company doesn't tell me what to say, and I don't tell themwhere to stick it.

Multitasking /adj./ 3 PCs and a chair with wheels�!

Sometimes, the best answer is a more interesting question

A good sermon should be like a woman's skirt: short enough to arouse interest but long enough to cover the essentials.

There is more stupidity than hydrogen in the universe, and it has a longer shelf life.

You'll notice that Nancy Reagan never drinks water when Ronnie speaks.

Everything secret degenerates, even the administration of justice.

It is much more comfortable to be mad and know it, than to be sane and have one's doubts.

Many journalists have fallen for the conspiracy theory of government. I do assure you that they would produce more accurate work if they adhered to the cock-up theory.

Pray, v.: To ask that the laws of the universe be annulled on behalf of a single petitioner confessedly unworthy.

Computers can figure out all kinds of problems, except the things in the world that just don't add up.

I'm always amazed to hear of air crash victims so badly mutilated that they have to be identified by their dental records. What I can't understand is, if they don't know who you are, how do they know who your dentist is?

It is better to have a permanent income than to be fascinating.

It is dangerous to be right when the government is wrong.

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All I need to make a comedy is a park, a policeman and a pretty girl.

The right to swing my fist ends where the other man's nose begins.

Always go to other people's funerals, otherwise they won't come to yours.

Make everything as simple as possible, but not simpler.

In the End, we will remember not the words of our enemies, but the silence of our friends.

The cynics are right nine times out of ten.

The whole problem with the world is that fools and fanatics are always so certain of themselves, but wiser people so full of doubts.

It's not that I'm afraid to die, I just don't want to be there when it happens.

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Outside of a dog, a book is man's best friend. Inside of a dog, it's too dark to read.

Common sense is the collection of prejudices acquired by age eighteen.

Should array indices start at 0 or 1? My compromise of 0.5 was rejected without, I thought, proper consideration.

I have spoken many a word, therefore, it is fact.

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The Stones, I love the Stones. I watch them whenever I can. Fred, Barney...

Conservatives are not necessarily stupid, but most stupid people are conservatives

Patriotism means to stand by the country. It does not mean to stand by the president or any other public official...

They show you how detergents take out bloodstains. I think if you've got a T-shirt with bloodstains all over it, maybe your laundry isn't your biggest problem.

Testing proves the presence, not the absence, of bugs.

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Intellectuals solve problems; geniuses prevent them.

Behind every great fortune there is a crime.

Not even computers will replace committees, because committees buy computers.

If you put tomfoolery into a computer, nothing comes out of it but tomfoolery. But this tomfoolery, having passed through a very expensive machine, is somehow enobled and no-one dares criticize it.

An effective way to deal with predators is to taste terrible.

Forgive your enemies, but never forget their names.

To the Honourable Member opposite I say, when he goes home tonight, may his mother run out from under the porch and bark at him

C++: an octopus made by nailing extra legs onto a dog

Always go to other people's funerals, otherwise they won't come to yours.

I don't approve of political jokes... I've seen too many of them get elected.

I am not young enough to know everything.

I agree with the reforms, but I want nothing to change

One out of every three Americans is suffering from some form of mental illness. Think of two of your best friends. If they are OK, then it must be you.

There are only two ways to live your life. One is as though nothing is a miracle. The other is as though everything is a miracle.

Thank you for sending me a copy of your book - I'll waste no time reading it.

Politically Correct UNIX System VI Release notes

A scholar who cherishes the love of comfort is not fit to be deemed a scholar.

What I am against is quotas. I am against hard quotas, quotas they basically delineate based upon whatever. However they delineate, quotas, I think, vulcanize society. So I don't know how that fits into what everybody else is saying, their relative positions, but that's my position.

Mother-in-law = A woman who destroys her son-in-law's peace of mind by giving him a piece of hers.

Modern capitalism is not about free markets, it is about building sufficient mass that the market gravitationally collapses around you.

Am I lightheaded because I'm not dead or because I'm still alive?

The Bible was a consolation to a fellow alone in the old cell. The lovely thin paper with a bit of matress stuffing in it, if you could get a match, was as good a smoke as I ever tasted.

Nothing is wrong with California that a rise in the ocean level wouldn't cure.

To err is human -- and to blame it on a computer is even more so.

The secret to creativity is knowing how to hide your sources.

To err is human -- and to blame it on a computer is even more so.

I'd give my right arm to be ambidextrous.

Not even computers will replace committees, because committees buy computers.

The optimist proclaims that we live in the best of all possible worlds, and the pessimist fears this is true.

But at my back I always hear Time's winged chariot hurrying near.

The Stones, I love the Stones. I watch them whenever I can. Fred, Barney...

A fast word about oral contraception. I asked a girl to go to bed with me, she said 'no'.

Politicians are like diapers. They should be changed often, and for the same reason.

Everybody wants to go to heaven, but nobody wants to die.

Silence is argument carried out by other means.

Before the war is ended, the war party assumes the divine right to denounce and silence all opposition to war as unpatriotic and cowardly.

The opposite of a correct statement is a false statement. The opposite of a profound truth may well be another profound truth.

Ah well, then I suppose I shall have to die beyond my means.

If everything seems under control, you're just not going fast enough.

A physicist is an atom's way of knowing about atoms.

Computer /nm./: a device designed to speed and automate errors.

The difference between what the most and the least learned people know is inexpressibly trivial in relation to that which is unknown.

War is not the continuation of politics with different means, it is the greatest mass-crime perpetrated on the community of man.

We are Dyslexia of Borg. Fusistance is retile. Your ass will be laminated.

Modern capitalism is not about free markets, it is about building sufficient mass that the market gravitationally collapses around you.

I heard someone tried the monkeys-on-typewriters bit trying for the plays of W. Shakespeare, but all they got was the collected works of Francis Bacon.

It's dangerous to underestimate the intelligence of a customer who grew a business that's successful enough to require a large and complex set of software

Not everything that can be counted counts, and not everything that counts can be counted.

Every journalist has a novel in him, which is an excellent place for it.

Barabási's Law of Programming: Program development ends when the program does what you expect it to do — whether it is correct or not.

TV is called a medium because it is neither rare nor well done.

War is not the continuation of politics with different means, it is the greatest mass-crime perpetrated on the community of man.

I admire the Pope. I have a lot of respect for anyone who can tour without an album.

One doesn't have a sense of humor. It has you.

It is now possible for a flight attendant to get a pilot pregnant.

Humor is the only test of gravity, and gravity of humor; for a subject which will not bear raillery is suspicious, and a jest which will not bear serious examination is false wit.

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The music business is a cruel and shallow money trench, a long plastic hallway where thieves and pimps run free, and good men die like dogs. There's also a negative side

Talk sense to a fool and he calls you foolish.

Everyone is a genius at least once a year; a real genius has his original ideas closer together.

A man can't get rich if he takes proper care of his family.

In any contest between power and patience, bet on patience.

Real life is that big, high-res, high-color screen saver behind all the windows.

First you forget names, then you forget faces. Next you forget to pull your zipper up and finally, you forget to pull it down.

Silence is argument carried out by other means.

Inanimate objects can be classified scientifically into three major categories; those that don't work, those that break down and those that get lost.

Silence is argument carried out by other means.

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The cynics are right nine times out of ten.

Hofstadter's Law: It always takes longer than you expect, even when you take into account Hofstadter's Law.

Human history becomes more and more a race between education and catastrophe.

About the use of language: it is impossible to sharpen a pencil with a blunt axe. It is equally vain to try to do it with ten blunt axes instead.

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I hear Glenn Hoddle has found God. That must have been one hell of a pass.

Not everything that can be counted counts, and not everything that counts can be counted.

Premature optimization is the root of all evil.

We all agree that your theory is crazy, but is it crazy enough?

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Politicians are like diapers. They should be changed often, and for the same reason.

The power of accurate observation is frequently called cynicism by those who don't have it.

I'm very proud of my gold pocket watch. My grandfather, on his deathbed, sold me this watch.

Is it not a strange blindness on our part to teach publicly the techniques of warfare and to reward with medals those who prove to be the most adroit killers?

All things are possible, except skiing through a revolving door.

Be nice to people on your way up because you meet them on your way down.

The purpose of computing is not numbers but insight.

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When I die I'm going to leave my body to science fiction.

Dying is a very dull, dreary affair. And my advice to you is to have nothing whatever to do with it.

Not everything that can be counted counts, and not everything that counts can be counted.

There are people in the world so hungry, that God cannot appear to them except in the form of bread.

To jaw-jaw is always better than to war-war.

Hofstadter's Law: It always takes longer than you expect, even when you take into account Hofstadter's Law.

How can I believe in God when just last week I got my tongue caught in the roller of an electric typewriter?

The shepherd always tries to persuade the sheep that their interests and his own are the same.

Just because bulldozers are used to build highways doesn't mean bulldozers are the best way to travel on a highway.

Early to rise and early to bed. Makes a male healthy, wealthy and dead.

There are only two ways to live your life. One is as though nothing is a miracle. The other is as though everything is a miracle.

When I was a kid I used to pray every night for a new bicycle. Then I realised that the Lord doesn't work that way so I stole one and asked Him to forgive me.

The only rules comedy can tolerate are those of taste, and the only limitations those of libel.

I don't know why we are here, but I'm pretty sure that it is not in order to enjoy ourselves.

Never interrupt your enemy when he is making a mistake.

Mr. Wagner has beautiful moments but bad quarters of an hour.

If there is no Hell, a good many preachers are obtaining money under false pretences.

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A model is done when nothing else can be taken out.

It is time I stepped aside for a less experienced and less able man.

There is no sincerer love than the love of food.

If the United Nations once admits that international disputes can be settled by using force, then we will have destroyed the foundation of the organization and our best hope of establishing a world order.

The difference between pornography and erotica is lighting.

Either he's dead or my watch has stopped.

Some editors are failed writers, but so are most writers.

If people can judge me on the company I keep, they would judge me with keeping really good company with Laura.

In America, anybody can be president. That's one of the risks you take.

A good sermon should be like a woman's skirt: short enough to arouse interest but long enough to cover the essentials.

We're going to turn this team around 360 degrees.

The difference between what the most and the least learned people know is inexpressibly trivial in relation to that which is unknown.

I agree with the reforms, but I want nothing to change

The years of peak mental activity are undoubtedly between the ages of four and eighteen. At four we know all the questions, at eighteen all the answers.

I choose a block of marble and chop off whatever I don't need.

What is morally wrong can never be advantageous, even when it enables you to make some gain that you believe to be to your advantage.

One of the symptoms of an approaching nervous breakdown is the belief that one's work is terribly important.

Testing proves the presence, not the absence, of bugs.

It is much more comfortable to be mad and know it, than to be sane and have one's doubts.

A child of five could understand this. Fetch me a child of five.

Democracy is where you can say what you think even if you don't think.

Early to rise, Early to bed, Makes a man healthy but socially dead.

Happiness is good health and a bad memory.

I don't want to achieve immortality through my work; I want to achieve immortality through not dying.

Be nice to people on your way up because you meet them on your way down.

And the clueless shall spend their time reinventing the wheel while the elite merely use the Wordstar key mappings

There are only two ways to live your life. One is as though nothing is a miracle. The other is as though everything is a miracle.

If computers get too powerful, we can organize them into a committee -- that will do them in.

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Don't let it end like this. Tell them I said something.

The secret to creativity is knowing how to hide your sources.

Heav'n hath no rage like love to hatred turn'd, Nor Hell a fury, like a woman scorn'd.

He can compress the most words into the smallest idea of any man I know.

Humor is also a way of saying something serious.

You can only find truth with logic if you have already found truth without it.

Computers can figure out all kinds of problems, except the things in the world that just don't add up.

Never raise your hands to your kids. It leaves your groin unprotected.

The backbone of surprise is fusing speed with secrecy.

My current job sucks so hard, black holes are going green with envy.

Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?

There's no trick to being a humorist when you have the whole government working for you.

2 + 2 = 5, for extremely large values of 2.

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In all large corporations, there is a pervasive fear that someone, somewhere is having fun with a computer on company time. Networks help alleviate that fear.

The secret to creativity is knowing how to hide your sources.

Science is like sex: sometimes something useful comes out, but that is not the reason we are doing it

Fill the unforgiving minute with sixty seconds worth of distance run.

Look at you in war. There has never been a just one, never an honorable one, on the part of the instigator of the war.

I have spoken many a word, therefore, it is fact.

The chain reaction of evil -- wars producing more wars -- must be broken, or we shall be plunged into the dark abyss of annihilation.

Attention to health is life's greatest hindrance.

Men have become the tools of their tools.

The nice thing about egotists is that they don't talk about other people.

The Bible was a consolation to a fellow alone in the old cell. The lovely thin paper with a bit of matress stuffing in it, if you could get a match, was as good a smoke as I ever tasted.

In any contest between power and patience, bet on patience.

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I heard someone tried the monkeys-on-typewriters bit trying for the plays of W. Shakespeare, but all they got was the collected works of Francis Bacon.

If you give a man a fish, he will eat for today. If you teach him to fish, he'll understand why some people think golf is exciting.

I Can't Think Of Anything Reasonable To Counter Your Argument Or Don't Have The Least Inkling Of The Subject So I Will Resort To Name Calling And Hope I Can Get Away With It.

Behind every great fortune there is a crime.

Your Highness, I have no need of this hypothesis.

Wit makes its own welcome and levels all distinctions.

I'm living so far beyond my income that we may almost be said to be living apart.

If absolute power corrupts absolutely, where does that leave God?

If you can read this you're not aiming in the right direction.

A lady came up to me on the street, pointed at my suede jacket and said, 'Don't you know a cow was murdered for that jacket?' I said 'I didn't know there were any witnesses. Now I'll have to kill you too'.

Sometimes I lie awake at night, and I ask, 'Where have I gone wrong?' Then a voice says to me, 'This is going to take more than one night.'

I'm trying to see things from your point of view but I can't get my head that far up my ass.

Humor is by far the most significant activity of the human brain.

In the begining there was nothing and God said 'Let there be light', and there was still nothing but everybody could see it.

If there is no God, who pops up the next Kleenex?

C makes it easy to shoot yourself in the foot; C++ makes it harder, but when you do, it blows away your whole leg.

A great many people think they are thinking when they are merely rearranging their prejudices.

Devlin's First Law - Buyer beware: in the hands of a charlatan, mathematics can be used to make a vacuous argument look impressive. Devlin's Second Law - So can PowerPoint.

The only one listening to both sides of an argument is the neighbor in the next apartment

Write a wise word and your name will live forever.

Military justice is to justice what military music is to music.

The dangerous patriot ... is a defender of militarism and its ideals of war and glory.

It is a miracle that curiosity survives formal education.

I have made this letter longer than usual because I lack the time to make it shorter.

People demand freedom of speech to make up for the freedom of thought which they avoid.

Men and nations behave wisely once they have exhausted all the other alternatives.

Moral indignation is jealousy with a halo.

Computers can figure out all kinds of problems, except the things in the world that just don't add up.

A man's only as old as the woman he feels.

Humor is by far the most significant activity of the human brain.

Pardon him, Theodotus; he is a barbarian, and thinks that the customs of his tribe and island are the laws of nature.

As the post said, 'Only God can make a tree,' probably because it's so hard to figure out how to get the bark on.

The optimist proclaims that we live in the best of all possible worlds, and the pessimist fears this is true.

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They have computers, and they may have other weapons of mass destruction.

Defining and analyzing humor is a pastime of humorless people.

Total absence of humor renders life impossible.

Ketchup left overnight on dinner plates has a longer half-life than radioactive waste.

The truth is more important than the facts.

Researchers have discovered that chocolate produces some of the same reactions in the brain as marijuana. The researchers also discovered other similarities between the two but can't remember what they are.

Java, the best argument for Smalltalk since C++.

Am I lightheaded because I'm not dead or because I'm still alive?

Honolulu, it's got everything. Sand for the children, sun for the wife, and sharks for the wife's mother.

Giving birth is like taking your lower lip and forcing it over your head.

Physics is not a religion. If it were, we'd have a much easier time raising money.

Give me chastity and continence, but not yet.

I have not failed. I've just found 10,000 ways that won't work.

Men are not disturbed by things, but the view they take of things.

Early to rise, Early to bed, Makes a man healthy but socially dead.

If you think it's simple, then you have misunderstood the problem.

We didn't lose the game; we just ran out of time.

If there is no Hell, a good many preachers are obtaining money under false pretences.

First they ignore you, then they laugh at you, then they fight you, then you win.

Defining and analyzing humor is a pastime of humorless people.

Finagle's Law of Dynamic Negatives: Anything that can go wrong, will -- at the worst possible moment.

C++: an octopus made by nailing extra legs onto a dog

When I die I'm going to leave my body to science fiction.

My neighbour asked if he could use my lawnmower and I told him of course he could, so long as he didn't take it out of my garden.

ASCII stupid question, get a stupid ANSI�!

I never miss a chance to have sex or appear on television.

Experience is what you get when you were expecting something else.

Linux is like living in a teepee. No Windows, no Gates, Apache in house.

Every normal man must be tempted at times to spit upon his hands, hoist the black flag, and begin slitting throats.

One word sums up probably the responsibility of any Governor, and that one word is 'to be prepared'.

Ketchup left overnight on dinner plates has a longer half-life than radioactive waste.

Real Programmers always confuse Christmas and Halloween because Oct31 == Dec25 !

Human history becomes more and more a race between education and catastrophe.

Learning is what most adults will do for a living in the 21st century.

If the automobile had followed the same development cycle as the computer, a Rolls-Royce would today cost $100, get a million miles per gallon, and explode once a year, killing everyone inside.

Tragedy is when I cut my finger. Comedy is when you walk into an open sewer and die.

Pray, v.: To ask that the laws of the universe be annulled on behalf of a single petitioner confessedly unworthy.

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Success usually comes to those who are too busy to be looking for it

Early to rise, Early to bed, Makes a man healthy but socially dead.

Human history becomes more and more a race between education and catastrophe.

True. When your hammer is C++, everything begins to look like a thumb.

I criticize by creation - not by finding fault.

A lie gets halfway around the world before the truth has a chance to get its pants on.

When choosing between two evils, I always like to try the one I've never tried before.

Behind every great fortune there is a crime.

Liberty and democracy become unholy when their hands are dyed red with innocent blood.

If absolute power corrupts absolutely, where does that leave God?

Genius may have its limitations, but stupidity is not thus handicapped.

Fill what's empty, empty what's full, and scratch where it itches.

Democracy is where you can say what you think even if you don't think.

Human history becomes more and more a race between education and catastrophe.

Every day I get up and look through the Forbes list of the richest people in America. If I'm not there, I go to work.

When the rich think about the poor, they have poor ideas.

If there�s one thing I know it�s God does love a good joke.

Humor is by far the most significant activity of the human brain.

Instead, I was a painter, and became Picasso.

There is a country in Europe where multiple-choice tests are illegal.

Friends may come and go, but enemies accumulate.

Military glory -- that attractive rainbow, that rises in showers of blood -- that serpent's eye, that charms to destroy...

Patriotism means to stand by the country. It does not mean to stand by the president or any other public official...

I am an expert of electricity. My father occupied the chair of applied electricity at the state prison.

Gigerenzer's Law of Indispensable Ignorance: The world cannot function without partially ignorant people.

Anyone who considers arithmetical methods of producing random digits is, of course, in a state of sin.

Getting an education was a bit like a communicable sexual disease. It made you unsuitable for a lot of jobs and then you had the urge to pass it on.

The only way to combat criminals is by not voting for them.

You can only find truth with logic if you have already found truth without it.

If you can count your money, you don't have a billion dollars.

Few things are harder to put up with than a good example.

Pascal /n./ A programming language named after a man who would turn over in his grave if he knew about it.

A coward is a hero with a wife, kids, and a mortgage.

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Humor is also a way of saying something serious.

Honolulu, it's got everything. Sand for the children, sun for the wife, and sharks for the wife's mother.

Why don't you write books people can read?

Why don't you write books people can read?

They couldn't hit an elephant at this dist--

If you can't get rid of the skeleton in your closet, you'd best teach it to dance.

You can pretend to be serious; you can't pretend to be witty.

People demand freedom of speech to make up for the freedom of thought which they avoid.

Throughout American history, the government has said we're in an unprecedented crisis and that we must live without civil liberties until the crisis is over. It's a hoax.

Instead, I was a painter, and became Picasso.

If the United Nations once admits that international disputes can be settled by using force, then we will have destroyed the foundation of the organization and our best hope of establishing a world order.

Sometimes, the best answer is a more interesting question

The truth is more important than the facts.

The surest way to corrupt a youth is to instruct him to hold in higher esteem those who think alike than those who think differently

Only one man ever understood me, and he didn't understand me.

The worst crimes were dared by a few, willed by more and tolerated by all.

I can write better than anybody who can write faster, and I can write faster than anybody who can write better.

Men and nations behave wisely once they have exhausted all the other alternatives.

Well-timed silence hath more eloquence than speech.

Many a man's reputation would not know his character if they met on the street.

Why don't they make the whole plane out of that black box stuff.

A man can't be too careful in the choice of his enemies.

I have spoken many a word, therefore, it is fact.

It is dangerous to be right when the government is wrong.

It is better to be feared than loved, if you cannot be both.

If you take something apart and put it back together again enough times, you will eventually have enough parts left over to build a second one.

When I am working on a problem I never think about beauty. I only think about how to solve the problem. But when I have finished, if the solution is not beautiful, I know it is wrong.

There is no reason anyone would want a computer in their home.

It's not that I'm afraid to die, I just don't want to be there when it happens.

A low voter turnout is an indication of fewer people going to the polls.

My last cow just died, so I won't need your bull anymore.

Heav'n hath no rage like love to hatred turn'd, Nor Hell a fury, like a woman scorn'd.

Behind every successful man is a woman, behind her is his wife.

The nice thing about egotists is that they don't talk about other people.

Some men, in order to prevent the supposed intentions of their adversaries, have committed the most enormous cruelties.

Oh for pity's sake. HERE. Two pebbles. Two more pebbles. FOUR pebbles. What is WRONG with you people?