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April 6, 2007
Nightmare-ish
There has been a gawd-awful, aching-unsettled, butterfly-dancing, sunken-gut feeling in the pit of my stomach since the arrival of April. The end of this month will mark the one-year anniversary of my dad's death. On one hand, I can't wait to get it over with. It seems like a stepping stone of progress, Well, we've made it a year. We are strong and tough. On the other hand, I want time to slow down, or stop even, so we don't pass that landmark. It will make him too far gone, He's been gone now for a year.That's just a long time.
Well, whether I like it or not, April 28th is going to come and go. In the meantime, I've been thinking about my dad, about that awful time last year, and about the rest of my family a lot more than usual. Right after my dad died, two things happened all the time:
1) I would re-remember, both in the waking and dreaming worlds, that my dad had died. There would be these sublime moments or series of thoughts wherein my dad was still alive; these moments were quickly pierced by a return to the present, and my dad was gone. I had a love/hate relationship with these moments; they felt briefly wonderful, then absolutely horrible.
2) I had nightmares that would replay my mom's frightened phone call about my dad. In these dreams, I could again hear her tiny voice across a crackly international phone connection and I instantly knew what had happened before she could bring herself to say it out loud. I would wake up from these nightmares already crying; who knew that you could cry while you slept?
The other night, I woke up crying, in the same manner as last year. I was instantly confused; then my dream began to shape itself into my conscious mind, and I realized that, in my dream, my dad was still alive. In my dream, I had called to chat him up about all the interesting goings-on in my life. When I awoke, I realized that he was still dead. It doesn't really matter how many times this happens, it feels like a gawd-darn gut shot every freaking time. It hurt so badly, so I just let myself cry, freeflowing until all the tears were gone.
After that night, it was very clear to me that I've got to dig out the emotional-strength reserves for this month. I'm going to need them for myself, and I suspect they will be useful in helping out my family as well.
Posted by Meghan at April 6, 2007 1:16 AM
Comments
I understand.
You will get through this. Take care.
Posted by: joe positive at April 6, 2007 4:55 AM
I'm thinking of you. I went through very similar things when my brother died unexpectedly 10 years ago (I was just 19). Joe Positive is right, you will get through this, but I know how difficult it can be. Hang in there.
Posted by: Caitlin at April 6, 2007 5:23 AM
Hang in there Meghan and take are of your yourself.
Posted by: mary at April 6, 2007 5:26 AM
.yeah. sucks. completely.
take care of yourself over there okay.
Posted by: Audrey at April 6, 2007 5:57 AM
We will all be thinking of you this month and wishing you the best. Thanks for sharing what you're going through.
Posted by: Alison at April 6, 2007 8:08 AM
It's never easy Meghan. Try to focus on the wonderful memories you have of your Dad and at the same time, let yourself grieve when you need to. Hang in there.
Posted by: backofpack at April 6, 2007 10:41 AM
It takes a long time to heal after losing a parent. I don't know how many times I thought about calling my mother with a question after she had died. You obviously are still in the grieving process so let it out. Go ahead and tell us about your father, your favorite trip with him, his little quirks, how you think he helped influence who you are today. He will always be with you in spirit!
Take care
Posted by: Eric at April 6, 2007 12:57 PM
Thinking of you Meghan!
Posted by: Beth at April 6, 2007 1:03 PM
Meghan, dreams are so hard that way, memory too, and having an ability to express it eloquently puts you right in touch with the hurt as well. I haven't been through it yet so I don't feel qualified to say "it will get better" ... I'll just say: I feel for you.
Posted by: Kendra Borgfriend at April 6, 2007 4:13 PM
YUP it's HARD Meghan and our "Mind" doesn't help sometimes with difficult issues like these...
I still Vividly remember my Dad's call to me about my Mom who passed away suddenly 2 years ago..How I dropped to my knees by my bed like I was punched in the stomach. I work hard to keep out the negative stuff, like she was too young, she worked so hard for our family, etc. and just remember the good times we shared and have even wrote them out in my journal, that may help...it's a way to trick our dang MINDS.
I swear if I can TURN off my Mind once in a while that would be totally fine with me.
Wishing you peaceful blessings, it will get better.
(((Big Hug)))
Posted by: Bob Gentile at April 6, 2007 9:16 PM
Wow, waking up crying. Somehow reading that almost brings tears to my eyes, and I don't even know you or your dad!
I didn't come from a happy or close family. There's no hatred, but their deaths won't be as hard on me. Growing up in their house was the hard part. That was the fire that tempered my soul.
I envy you, even in your pain. I know that must sound pretty idiotic from your perspective. But from where I stand, I see someone who's soul isn't hard. Someone who got to grow up with warmth.
The greatest honor you can give anyone is to miss them when they're gone.
I'm so sorry for your pain, but you're supremely lucky to have known your father. He's amazing.
I hope you weather this sad anniversary okay.
Posted by: JeffO at April 8, 2007 2:19 PM