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December 20, 2006
Merry Christmas, Y'all!
Since I will shortly be departing for a Christmas trip to parts more tropical than arctic Wyoming, I'll leave an official Christmas greeting now. May your holiday be filled with love, happy times with family and friends, and a slew of healthy running. (End cheesy holiday greeting now.)
Back in the day, I believed in Santa Claus just as much as any other kid. My brother and I would nervously convene in the days before Christmas, talking about whether or not Santa had received the letters we sent, whether we had behaved well enough for Santa to visit, and what Santa might bring us. On Christmas Eve, we'd bake a sheet of sugar cookies for Santa, pour him a glass of milk, and cut up some celery and carrots for the reindeer. We'd set all of this on the kitchen counter, head off to bed, and anxiously await the arrival of Christmas morning.
When my brother and I were tucked away, my dad (ahem, Santa) would get to work. By the time Christmas morning arrived, our house looked like it had been visited by Santa. When we woke up, my brother and I would first investigate the leftover snacks. We'd look for cookie crumbs on the counter top and we'd read Santa's thank-you note, "After a long night in the sleigh, these snacks hit the spot!" or something similar. Next, we'd inspect the fireplace. Sometimes we'd find a piece of red felt from Santa's clothes stuck to the edge of the fireplace or a sooty bootprint on the floor. Finally, our family would gather around the tree. We'd all take turns, opening our presents one-by-one. I don't think that we or my dad (ahem, Santa) ever missed a year with these traditions. Well into our teenagerhood and beyond, my dad (ahem, Santa) would maintain that magical part of Christmas.
This year, my mother, brother, and I will weather Christmas on the beach in Mexico. It will be our first Christmas without my dad. We're going to Mexico because the thought of being at home and doing family traditions without my dad is simply unbearable. Is it possible that traditions cease to be traditions when one of the makers of the traditions isn't there anymore? That's an inane statement to make, I know. From a rational standpoint, I know that traditions are created, learned, and passed along among groups of loved ones for the very purpose of perpetuating that which is important to those groups. But this year, this first year, none of us can handle tradition. It all feels so freaking raw and painful, I can hardly stand to think about it.
I think there will be lots of things to do and see as tourists in Mexico. I'm hoping we will find the distraction we need from the obvious fact that we are missing a crucial element of our family. I also think that a beach in Mexico will be a peaceful place to spend a little time. I'm hoping that we will find some solace and peace there as well.
It's almost too easy to fall into a heap of horrible emotion at this point in the holiday season. In my day-to-day life, I've adjusted to the fact that my dad is dead. The idea doesn't surprise me anymore. However, when I think about the holidays, my dad pops into my mind every single stinking time. Each time it's like an awful surprise and I have to momentarily re-live his death.
I refuse to fall victim to sad emotions. I wish to think about and remember my dad every day, and I wish for those thoughts to make me happy and to inspire me. In the 7 months or so since my dad died, he's already managed to do that to me. I feel much inspiration with regards to my own life, especially my running, and a lot of it comes from him. I'm training for a big event right now, and every day I am infused with inspiration from my dad. From a personal standpoint, I want to train on the beach in Mexico feeling inspired and empowered by my dad. He wouldn't want it any other way.
Merry Christmas, Y'all! "See" you in a week!
Posted by Meghan at December 20, 2006 2:39 AM
Comments
Wow...that post packed a wallop. Holidays do have a way of bringing back all the most poignent and powerful memories which is both the best and worst part of them. Maybe you can leave out some pineapple chunks for Santa and have a healthy little cry when you do it. All of those traditions have a way of coming back when there are little kids to inspire and entertain and those annual rituals let your loved ones be part of new, young lives even if they never got the chance to meet.
I think you guys will have a great time in Mexico. Enjoy the sunshine and the gentle waves and the company of your family!
Posted by: chelle at December 20, 2006 9:17 AM
Merry Christmas, Meghan! You are such an inspiration in terms of the way you have handled all of this. If he were here, there's no way he wouldn't be extremely proud of you, and the way you live your life.
I hope you're all able to have a good time in Mexico, and the traditions will still be there for you when you're ready to get back to them.
Posted by: Alison at December 20, 2006 9:20 AM
Meghan,
What a sweet but sad post. I hope you and your family have a great time in Mexico, I hope you are able to run a lot on the beach, and I second Alison's view that the traditions will be ready when you go back to them.
Posted by: barb at December 20, 2006 12:18 PM
Hang in there buddy. Here's wishing you strength and relaxation during this season.
Posted by: duncan at December 20, 2006 3:20 PM
Meghan, after reading these intense last two entries (adventure athlete and xmas thoughts), back to back, like a bridge between Life and Death, the first image that came to mind was Meghan (ahem, Santa) putting her children to sleep on a december 24 to come, and going through some profoundly familiar routine to keep the magic of Christmas and Family alive, very alive... stay healthy, corrado
Posted by: corrado giambalvo at December 20, 2006 4:31 PM
Hang in there Meghan! I hope you have a wonderful Christmas and the traditions will still be there when you're ready.
Posted by: brian at December 20, 2006 6:55 PM
Meghan, I hope your and your family are having a relaxing time in Mexico and I hope you have a wonderful holiday season. I agree with Corrado's comments about the traditions that you will pass on when you are ready, you will know just what to do and make it all very magical. Your images reminded me of my Mother somehow wrapping present sets for eight children and each child had their own special wrapping paper theme based on their personality and we each had piles of gifts that were meaningful and useful. I have no idea how my Mom and Dad did it while they were both constantly working full time. Christmas gives you a lot to be thankful for and many memories to think about. Best wishes in 2007 and thanks for the inspiration.
Posted by: Mary at December 20, 2006 7:08 PM
I've been thinking about you, feeling for you during this time. I'm so glad you're heading to a new (and warm!) setting this Christmas, and I'm hoping that your time together with family will be another step of healing. I haven't met you, nor did I know your dad, but I am hurting for you, just thinking about your loss. I love this story of your dad (ahem, Santa)--beautiful. Thank you for sharing with us.
Wishing you peace, healing, and a whole lotta sunshine in Mexico --
Posted by: anne at December 20, 2006 9:21 PM
I think Mexico will be so good for you all. When we were in our childbirth class they recommended we have a "happy place" in our minds for when things got rough. Mexico was ... and still is ... my happy place when things get rough.
Posted by: jenandmats at December 21, 2006 7:32 PM
Hope your time in Mexico is awesome! I'll be thinking of you...running along the beach inspiring others as your father inspires you each day!
Posted by: Beth at December 21, 2006 8:28 PM
Hi Meghan. I hope you are enjoying Mexico. Take care of each other down there. We'll "see" you soon :)
Posted by: Audrey at December 22, 2006 8:28 PM
Hi Meghan -- nice tribute to your dad. I hope Mexico does the trick for you guys.
Posted by: crowther at December 24, 2006 1:56 PM