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October 16, 2005
A Series of Unfortunate Events
Before I ramble on in my sorrows, I will cut to the chase for those of you who happen upon this and do not want to read the long sad story that I am sure I am about to type out. This weekend I had my first DNF in the fifty-mile race that I attempted to run in VA.
The trip began on the wrong foot. I dashed out of school on Thursday afternoon to make it to the airport in time for my 8:00 p.m. flight out of Manchester, N.H. I arrived at the airport much too early, around 5:30 which was fine because it gave me time to grade papers. As soon as I checked in, I realized my flight was delayed until 11 p.m. I would not arrive in Philadelphia until 11 p.m. I was very annoyed about this fact because I felt as if I could have just driven to Delaware where I was eventually going to meet my friend in the total amount of time that this trip was ultimately going to take me. I used the time to grade papers and brainstorm training ideas with my twin sister, Liz, over the phone. After what seemed like hours, I eventually boarded the plane and was happy to finally be "off" on my trip. My best friend and her husband picked me up at the airport at midnight and we arrived to their home a little after 12:30. Soon afterwards, we all went to bed.
I had the opportunity to sleep in on Friday but for some reason I could not sleep. My two friends had to leave the house early to work 1/2 days each so I had the entire house to myself. However, at 7:00 a.m. I was wide-awake. I tried to sleep or at least rest but finally gave up at 8 a.m. when I woke up officially and took a long hot shower. My friend returned to the house around 10:30 and we went to go do some errands. One of our errands included me getting my haircut, which was very overdue. Not feeling very confident about the race I figured loosing a few inches of hair would make me "faster". I also had my eyebrows hot waxed and trimmed. For anyone who knows me they know this is not me at all. My friend convinced me to try it so I tried it because she promised me it did not hurt. Guess what, it hurts? Every time they pull, the paper off it definitely aches. Afterwards the area is sore and your eyebrows feel achy for a while. Yet, I should admit after an hour or so I did not even remember that I had gotten it done. They did not do anything dramatic. They just trimmed the area. My friend asked me if I was up for a bikini wax. I think I would have to be in a heightened state to go for that knowing how painful the eyebrow wax was. After our errands, we picked up lunch and my friends husband and were on our way to Lynchburg, VA.
We left for VA around 1 p.m. and were hoping to arrive to the pre-race dinner around 6 p.m. Traffic through D.C. was a nightmare, slow and congested. We then realized that the main road through VA was not really a highway but rather a route and we were on a stop and go mission for about 120 miles. This was a very long stretch and we all felt like we would never get to our destination. This part of the trip was very long but I have to admit I had great company and great music.
When we finally arrived at the pre-race event packet pick up and registration dinner was over. There was plenty of cold pizza left so I had a slice of cold cheese pizza and met my friend Krissy from Montrail. I picked up my number and saw the competition. I saw at least three very competitive women who would be in the event and immediately did not feel prepared. My friends left at this point and I spent the night with my friend Krissy and at the race director's house. They were both confident I would do quite well in the race despite my admission that I was not in the greatest shape ever. I appreciated their confidence but only wished I could fully absorb it. When we arrived to the race director's house, Dave Horton, who just this summer set the Pacific Coast Speed Distance Record (67 days) (http://www.montrail.com/assets/Misc%20Copy/horton_log.htm)we had some ice cream and watched the trailer to a movie that is to be made about the this record called, The Runner. This was quite exciting and fun. Unfortunately, it was late and I had to go to bed right after the short pre-view and had no time at all for questions.
Unfortunately, I did not sleep a wink all night long. I was scheduled to get up at 4 a.m. to take the bus to the start. The course was an out and back course. The race director and my friend Krissy were basically up all night long figuring out logistics and the top male runner, Dave Mackey, was arriving late in the evening (1 a.m. or so) so the house was bustling. I was downstairs and could not hear anything but I still felt extremely restless and found myself looking at my watch every twenty minutes to find out what time it was. I was trying not to worry about not sleeping but I was getting more anxious as the time went by. When 4 a.m. finally arrived, I was relieved to get up, get dressed, and leave for the race.
I drove to the busses with Dave Mackey and had my first pre-race coffee ever. It was so early and my body was exhausted from barely any sleep in over two days that I knew I would need some type of external adrenaline. The coffee definitely helped. I was not too worried about any side effects because I usually have it before work these days and I still had two hours before my race when I drank it. I also ate a bagel with some peanut butter and drank some water. When we arrived to the race start, it was 5:30 a.m. and we still had an hour to go before the race began. I decided to try to nap, I could not. I remember how easily I slept and soundly before the NY City marathon last year. Where was my relaxation for this race? I went to the bathroom several times and was very happy when race time finally arrived.
The first six or seven miles of the course are all roads. The very first three miles consists of an out and back section. I discovered this right before we started. I also knew I was in the Bible belt when a prayer was said before the race began. It was pitch dark when the race began at 6:30 in the morning. When we began I decided to keep one woman in site who I know is quite accomplished and a very smart runner, Anne Rhiddle (she now has a married name which is different). I paced off her for the first four miles until I saw that we were running a speedy 7 minute pace. I did not want to leave myself exhausted for the end so I backed off and I backed off at the right time because the next two miles were straight up hill. As soon as I hit the uphill, I felt dead and had no energy. I tried not to worry about it but I could not help the stale feeling I felt overall and the lack of "spring" that I had. I attributed this feeling to the road and decided that once we hit the trails I would feel great. After about 6 or 7 miles, we hit the first trail. I was relieved to get off the pavement because I was feeling so flat.
The trail was a single-track trail that was all up hill for about three or four miles. Just as I entered the trail, I heard someone say that I was 7 minutes behind the lead woman. I was surprised to already be 7 minutes behind the leader when I was only 7 miles into the race. That disappointed me but I held onto the hope that I would feel better on the trail and that the leader may slow down, as I remained steady. My legs did not respond any better on the trail. I tried to stay positive and enjoy the scenery but I was terribly distracted by my lack of energy. I decided to try some poweraid combination drink at the next aid station. This seemed to help a bit. For the next 4 or 5 miles, the trail was constantly up and down on a rocky old fire road. We were traveling along the trails that parallel the Blue Ridge highway. I imagine this is a fantastic place for mountain biking (not very technical - but miles of open fire roads). I caught up to the 4th place woman who I recognized and was relieved to run with her for the next 5 miles or so. It helped to run with her because we got to talk and I got a feeling for the rest of the course. She, Regina, warned me that the mile markers were off and to expect more time in between aid stations then were actually denoted on the signs.
As the miles continued, the grades became steeper and longer. I realized that the only thing we were doing was climbing up long windy grades or pounding down the same type of grades. My stomach was cramping up. I think I was really nervous and uptight because I was not really racing. The stress of the experience was eating at my stomach. I felt like I was getting one side stitch after another. This happens to me if I get anxious or if I get excited in a race. Sometimes when I have had great races I get a stitch with about three or four miles to go because I am so excited. The adrenaline gets me through it. In this instance, I found myself annoyed and trying to ignore it in hopes that it would go away.
After a very slow 20 miles, 3 hours and 15 minutes I began to try to calculate my pace and tried to imagine what the rest of the race would feel like. Already my bad quad was entirely cramped up and my foot and ankle were numb from the constant climbing, I was thinking more about the finish than the actual race experience, I could not eat anything at the aid station (nothing really appealed to me and usually something does), and my achy legs were telling me to stop. I decided that if I saw my friends at the next aid station, mile 27, I would see how if my motivation, energy level improved. If my energy level had improved I would continue with the race or if I did not see them. However, if my energy decreased or remained the same I would drop out and stop agonizing over the event.
For the next seven miles, nothing really improved. It got to the point where I was jogging up the hills and everyone around me was walking. I gave in and started to walk. I asked the others around me if this would be the case for the rest of the race. The runners told me that they would not be running up any of the long climbs. The thought of walking up all of the remaining hills did not appeal to me. I was becoming surer of the fact that I would drop out when I saw my friends. As soon as I saw my friends at mile 27, I broke down and asked them if they would be hugely disappointed if I dropped out. They were supportive and asked me why. I told them I was dead and did not want to spend another 5 or 6 hours pounding my legs only to make them sorer and be disappointed with the outcome. After ten minutes of deliberating, I signed myself out of the race. I felt a huge sense of relief and a great sense of sadness and disappointment.
I was disappointed that I sort of predicted my own fate because of a negative attitude I had about the race. I was disappointed that I had not properly prepared. Usually when I get into a big race that I am training for I can arrive on race day and feel that I have trained just as hard as anyone there has if not harder. In this case, I did not feel that way at all. I felt ill prepared, unprofessional, and already burnt out. I was relieved to have the opportunity to step away from the experience, reflect on it, and move forward.
In retrospect, I felt a lot of pressure to run certain races this year and never really took the time to properly prepare for them. I tried to rely on my own inner strength and mental capabilities and took for granted what consistent well-rounded training does for you. It has been at least a year since I have done serious interval training and I know that has hurt me. I have also not attempted to really push myself on my long distance training runs.
I realized in this attempt to run the 50-mile race that I am not just content with finishing. I want to enter a race and push myself as hard as I can all the time. If I cannot enter a race and do that then I do not think I should be in the race. On a side note, running through a marathon is different. I do use many marathons as training runs and feel that I set realistic goals. For ultra marathons because I only do 3 or 4 a year and sometimes less I do want to make sure that I maximize my training.
I made a mistake trying to do back to back weekend races. I think doing a marathon a month before an ultra is fine but trying to squeeze one in between that window is too much mentally and physically. I realized more than ever the importance of mental strength during Saturday's race attempt. Running for over two hours requires a great deal of mental concentration and stamina. It is not something that one always has and to be able to focus for that long and push yourself when there is a piece of you that asks why and why not just stop now you have to be mentally fresh and confident. All of the little pieces of your life have to be in place and make sense.
The more balanced you are the more focused you will be in the event. I was taking a gamble that maybe I would feel good. I am not any kind of gambler. I love adventures and challenges but I know I have to prepare myself. I cannot take away the disappointment that I feel nor can I go back and change what I did to prepare for this event. All I can do is learn from it and move forward.
In the future, I do want to be specific and identify exactly what my main goals are for the year. I want to train accordingly and make adjustments when appropriate. I will never completely stick to a schedule because I love the spontaneous nature of running. However, I know I can stick to mileage goals and workout goals and that I intend to do in the coming year. Running provides me with a huge sense of accomplishment and sense of self. Dropping out of this event left me feeling empty and questioning myself. I will not announce that I will never drop out again because I think anything can happen and I think sometimes the wisest decision is to drop out. However, I do want to vow to train harder for the races that I am supposedly eyeing and go in prepared, knowing that I have trained just as hard as those around me.
I plan to take a bit of a break from running over the next two weeks. I will run but mostly for social purposes and not feel any real obligation to get up and run and train. During this time, I want to think a lot about the races I will be running and training for next year. I already know that I am going to train for the Boston marathon first and aim to run a personal record there, under 3:06, which is the time I got the last time I ran the Boston marathon. This will give me the opportunity to get back to speed workouts and weight lifting again. From there I would like to focus on a few ultra races to race and be competitive in. I definitely feel really drained and worn out right now and hope that I can rally myself up again to better and wiser training.
Posted by mary at October 16, 2005 3:10 PM
Comments
Mary, don't worry about the DNF. I would be scared to run a race with the word "masochist" in it. You are truly amazing in my book. I'm sorry things didn't go according to plan. I think having somewhat of a schedule would be a great idea. What about a coach just to provide you with a basic outline?
I'm excited to hear you'll be running Boston. I'll have someone to talk with during the wait before the race. Do you think you'll try for the separate elite women's start? Rest now and you'll be back to your "springy" self in no time.
Posted by: Caitlin at October 16, 2005 10:03 PM
I'm really sorry to hear that it didn't go well, but it sounds like you've learned A LOT from the whole experience already. I'm with you on the not running just to finish. When I dropped out of Boston, I got some snide comments from people like, "Well, that may have been what worked for you, but I personally would never drop out of a race..." And while it made me feel like crap, I didn't regret the decision.
I think you'll rebound better than ever, and I'm happy to hear that you'll be running Boston. I'll be there to cheer you on!
Thanks for the well-written report, I'm just sorry it's not full of better news. And I'm glad to hear that your poor legs finally get some rest!
Posted by: Alison at October 16, 2005 10:26 PM
I'm sorry that your race didn't go better. You're a strong runner, so I know you'll bounce back quickly. Ever race is a learning experience. Enjoy this time to relax, relect and prepare for your next big goal. And take care of that quad!
Posted by: Leilani at October 17, 2005 7:54 AM
It's been stated here many times that DNF-ing is many times more difficult than finishing. Nobody really wants to start something and not finish it, but when you have higher expectations of yourself, sometimes going through just to finish can be more detrimental than stopping. It sounds like, in your case, if you had kept going, you would have done more harm than good.
Enjoy the next two weeks. An annual break from running is one of my sacred treats, it keeps everything fresh and lets me recover mentally and physically. It is also a time to set new goals for the next year/season.
Thank you for sharing this experience. It sounds like you are well on your way to setting some new goals. Take care!
Blondie
Posted by: Blondie at October 17, 2005 10:10 AM
Mary ... this is such a great report, even if the ending isn't a happy one.
I had my first DNF in February and know first-hand the disappointment it brings. I can tell you, though, that I never second-guessed myself and certainly don't regret it. Knowing when to say when is *such* an important part of running, but it's really not discussed that much in training circles - there are no front-page Runner's World articles on the issue, which is unfortunate. I think anyone who trains seriously and wants to perform well should know how to deal with it!
You'll be back, I know it!
Posted by: jenandmats at October 20, 2005 8:00 AM