Miles in the Bank

What A Difference A Year Makes:)

Boy- what a year it has been. when I think back a year ago, I thought i was going to marry someone. YIKES!!! There must be a god is all i will say. i was never happy living there and have only now realized that i wasn't even in love, for heaven sakes! i needed a distraction from things that were bothering me. all i really need to say is that it feels great to have MY life back again and to be living it on my terms. And, i love living where i am living.

i have a new coach, one who i think is more in tune with my beliefs than any i have had in recent years. i am very excited and start on a new program tomorrow. i have talked with this new coach and we immediately hit it off, so we're getting right at it. there is also a cool opportunity that may be presenting itself, but that will be in the fall. i don't want to leave here until after november or jinx the opportuntiy by saying too much about it before it happens.

i am working several different little jobs. the money feels like it's rolling in, but it really isn't. i am just not used to having any money!! and, it seems to be hitting me all at the same time. money that is "owed" to me has been coming in. i absolutely love my coaching job. the group i have is a very special one.

it;s late and i need sleep, but i wanted to start blogging again since i feel refreshed and happy and new and so I'M BACK:)

Dog sitting and running

Well, I am at my "regular" dog sitting job. This one is a 17 day job!!! The people who own the dog/house are so sweet to me. I get paid an insane amount of money to watch their dog, they gave me a gift certificate for food (my massage therapist says it's because they are screaming at me to eat:) ) and when i went upstairs to put some stuff away, there was a Valentine present. I was immediately in tears because 1)it's so sweet and they are so good to me 2) my ex and i spent so much time here last winter that J knows how it won't be easy for me to stay here and 3) i am just having a terrible time with my meds lately. i'm crying as i write this!!!!

anyway, running is going. that's better than i could have said a few weeks ago. ive, slowly, started to get my butt in gear and get out there. i had a 30 minnute run on wed, 35 on thur (and then a terrific massage!), yesterday was a terrible day- couldnt control my crying and had to go to a funeral for a friend;s grandmother - as my mom pointed out, a funeral is probably the only place where you don't have to explain why you are crying- and today was a 52 minute run, which excites me! it means that maybe i can get myself moving and actually do this marathon training thing:) i got a heart rate monitor on wed- my mom and i drove to N. conway to my friend's store to get it because i am too compulsive to wait for him to bring it back here after the weekend. i have been using it, but it's hard to really know what anything means right now. im trying to eat better and drink better (water and juice, etc) and am not in the best shape, so i am not moving fast in the first place. i see it more as encouragement for when i am back in shape.

thur i had a great massage where my therapist actually told me she could notice a big difference- not as much tightness in my back and shoulder area. that got me thinking that it's time to get moving. i visited with my friends R and S before returning home and on the way home it hit me. i got really pissed at myself for not taking care of myself and then wondering why i cannot run- DUH! and, i got pissed enough to get out and run, regardless of how ugly it is right now and regardless of how i feel. i increased my meds about 3 weeks ago and something is wrong (i did this with my doctor's ok) i cannot control my crying. i break out at odd times and for no reason. i can be talking to a friend and saying everything is fine and then an hour later i find myself crying. it's very frustrating and troubling, at best. i see my doctor on monday, but in the meantime, im keeping the tissues handy and wearing sunglasses as much as possible- lucky today is a sunny day!

it's hard being in this house. it reminds me of my ex and the good times we had here and the things we talked about for the future. the thing that makes it really, really hard for me is that i went into the relationship wanting nothing except companionship. after hearing for months how we were going to be married, i was the only woman he ever wanted to be with, etc, etc, i began to want those things, too, and to believe they were going to happen. so, even though it is a long time since we;ve spoken= about 3 months- sitting in this house is bringing a lot of it back. it';s just hard to shut all those emotions off and i just wonder if he ever even thinks about me. and, these are things i wasnt thinking about so much. i feel dysfunctional, pathetic and like i should just be over it, move along and focus on other things. i am moving along, but im having a hard time letting go of the memories. and, with my meds not the way they should, im a mess. but, im a mess who is running, so that is a good thing. enough wallowing for now- Ivan, the dog, needs to be walked.

Missing My One, True Love

No, this isn't going to be a pathetic blog about a guy. i miss running. i'm not talking about running a few miles here or there, but im talking about really getting into the mode of training and believing in your goal. I am realizing that the emptiness i feel is from not really putting my heart and soul into my training. i may run, but im not eating well- or at all sometimes. i know that isn't really training and so i feel sad and guilty. it struck me today that the one thing that really makes me feel alive is running. well, there may be other things, but the one thing that is simple to do and something i have control over to do or not. no one is stopping me from doing the right things. i am just not always making the right choices. i will cut myself a little slack that the past few months have been tough ones, learning about how my mind works and how that contributes to my depression and anxiety and how i also have control over that. that has, and is, taking a lot of energy. but, the feeling of accomplishment that i get from knowing that i am doing everything i can each day to achieve my goal is not there. that is something i can easily change. so, why am i not? that is the million dollar question. i think i just realized today how much i really miss running as a part of my daily routine. emotionally, i have let myself off the hook if i feel really down, but i don't think that is the route im taking from here on out. im going to plan one run a day, one that leaves me with all the mileage i need for now and leave the opening for another run if i want it. but, i will slack there.

im cat sitting this weekend (dog sitting last weekend for some challenging dogs) and next weekend, it's back to my 'regular" dog sitting job. im looking forward to that one because it's near my house and the dog is soooooo easy. the condo is comfy and just thinking about how sweet the owner is makes me feel peaceful there. so, i have to mark a route for myself to run right now. i'm cat sitting about 30 minutes south of here (it's amazing how many different jobs i have been getting!) and so need to tend to the cats. it's a place im not familiar with at all, so i'll just be running blindly tomorrow, but one thing is sure- I"ll be running:) the one thing that i haven't shared in my blog is that i have been thinking that maybe my love for running was just plain gone. i haven't understood what is wrong with me- until today. sooo, that's why im soooo excited that it was never gone, just hiding under some junk:)

hope everyone else is well and that the weather other places is as sweet as it is here in the northeast. it's about 45 degrees here, with little snow left and promises of rain this evening. is spring here:) let me dream, please....

Lots Of Positive Happenings!

i will start with running. i havent been good about blogging my specific workouts, but i can give a general sense of what i have been doing. im feeling lazy, but at least im doing "it" and moving forward with my running instead of remaining stagnant. mondays i do a strider type workout with about 10 striders and wed or thur, i have been doing a fartlek workout, alternating between 4-5 times 5 minute pickups and 6-8 times 2 and a half minute pickups. otherwise, i have been running anywhere from 6-10 a day and the "long" run has been pretty short- 14ish topping out at 16 when i can. so, nothing spectacular to report from here. im still trying to eat better (meaning more) because my meds are kicking the hell out of my eating! i just don't want to get to my marathon and not have the strength i need because i dont feel like eating. soooo, ive designated today and eating day:) meaning that im tossing as much as i can down my throat. i had a terrific massage yesterday. i havent seen her in two weeks since she was away on vacation. she took one look at me and said, "so, i guess you havent gained any weight, huh?" i thought i had, but i guess it doesnt look it. we have talked at length about how i need to force myself to eat even if my meds kill any desire to eat or else i wont be healthy. i really love this woman and she gives killer massages:)

i have a ton of dog sitting jobs. i have one this weekend, one next weekend and then one for 17 days straight in february for my "regular" dog sitting person. that'll be a lot more fun than last year since the dog is no longer a lunatic and im feeling soooooooooooooooo much better myself. i guess the dog and i have both gone through a bit of a transitional year :)

in regards to coaching, i guess i got BOTH jobs i applied for, so i start in feb for the little kids and then i get the "big" kids for the spring. I am PUMPED for the outdoor job. it's an assistant coaching job for boys and ive never worked with boys before. sooooo, it should be quite an education, although the head coach (who seems like a sweet , terrific guy) assures me the distance guys love to run. so, i guess that things are falling into place, even though i have had my doubts. i have to take deep breaths and have the confidence that i can coach these boys and that i do know what i am doing. my lack of confidence is something that i am working extremely hard on and i think this is one, of many, great steps in that direction. positive thoughts, positve thoughts, positive thoughts. that's what i am working on right now, too. as soon as anything -or anyone - negative pops into my head, i think positive thoughts. i actually had a woman yell at me at a group meeting last night (this is a support group meeting) , telling me that i was completely wrong about something. the subject happened to be teaching young kids the importance of not calling someone fat because it can lead to judgements later (one of the women was called fat while working at a school) my heart went out to the woman- she's a great person, but it had to hurt regardless or where it came from. who wants to be called fat? the old me would have felt badly that this woman told me i was wrong- which, in case you're wondering, is totally against what a support group usually does- and somehow brought it onto myself. i did say that i was done talking when she started to rant on because i wasn't going to be criticized for my opinion! but, the leader asked me to continue, i did and i realized that this woman wasn't really yelling at me. she is unhappy with herself and disagreed with what i was saying, so she had some misplaced anger or whatever. when the group was over, i told her that i hoped she had found the peace she was looking for in the group- she had said that was why she came. i would have held onto it and beat myself over it, but i have learned a lot in the past few months and know it really has nothing to do with me. i do feel sad for her and that she is at that place in her life and hope to never return myself, where im so sad with myself that i cannot see the light.

i am just so happy and thankful for all the people who have helped me walk on the new path i am walking and pray every day that it continues. there have been the expected bumps, although i dont think they should be there:) , but in the end, i am right where i need to be for now. and, with each day, i am getting closer and closer to my goals. running wise that means qualifying for the trials. there's no question anymore- im doing it this spring. i wont let any doubt enter in about that. it's really cool to know that you can do something and open your mind to it a bit more and more. im trying this with more than running, but since this is a running blog, i suppose i should talk a bit more about running. im just so grateful to no longer be in the pit, to know that i am helping others and they are helping me and that a happy life awaits me- and is upon me:)

Day 4- late

i didn't get a chance to write yesterday, so here goes with yesterday. I woke up and had coffee with yummy creamer and a biscuit with an egg. I waited until the last possible moment and then went for a run. I didn't feel that great, but i got another day under my belt. i am hoping to feel better by the end of the week or even two. everything in my life seems to point to the same thing- PATIENCE. it is really great for me to relearn this lesson and im not really upset about any of it. between my running and recovery and just everything in between, it's all about the patience with myself thing. i know that it is very reasonable for me to think that i can run 24659 in may at vermont city, but if i thougt about it every run and how im feeling RIGHT now, i would never run again:) so, instead, i am looking at it like it's a process that i will complete with positive results. i just have to put one foot in front of the other. there is a younger, older man (about 60) who died from a fall a few days ago, otherwise completely healthy, who was quoted in the paper as giving the advice to someone who wanted to run a marathon and wasn't sure how to , he said, "just put one foot in front of the other and keep doing that until you're done!" i thought that was so great! and, i have been using that even before i read it in what i consider, in my mind only, a "comeback" of sorts. i know no one else cares (yet- until i kick their butts:) ) , but i want to run well this year and know i have a lot of miles and positive thoughts to keep things rolling in a good way. oh, in my ramble, i forgot to say that i ran between 9-10 miles on my Cushman Loop. it was fun to run it because i used to run it when i was a kid with my dad. i ran easily and felt so/so. my hamstring was a little tight towards the end, but im hoping that with some consistent training and stretching that my tightness will lessen. we'll see!

i was rushing off for a coaching interview and so didnt stretch until i got home. and, then i stretched like CRAZY! the interview went well and im pretty sure that i have the job since the head coach called me and asked me to apply, but you never know! it's middle school and while i really enjoy and while i enjoy that age a great deal, i would also like to move back into high school coaching. i am looking at something for the spring and that could hurt my chances to get this job if they think the other person is willing to do the spring as well. whatever.... things will work out. don't get me wrong... i would love to get this coaching job, but i am hopeful that something good will come along regardless. plus, i have my dog sitting/cat sitting jobs to keep me busy for most of february!! i am so busy that i am actually going to be making up business cards- someone asked me for one, so i figured i should have a few. i also really need to put up some flyers around town. but, first, i need to come up with a name for my "business".

i returned home and took a nap before eating some dinner. then, i met a friend for coffee and was in bed by 10, after a super CSI! im a sucker for any law and order or csi show.

i forgot to say that the dealing with the guy in the group thing went much better than i could have imagined. i had my mom and dad bring me to the meeting. i also had my dad walk me into the room, where it was the moderator (actually two of them) and the guy who was calling me. i introduced my dad to one of the moderators, he's a great guy- much older but in super shape and just a sweet, sweet person- and he invited my dad to the meeting. i asked him if we could talk to him outside, in the hall, privately. im sure the guy who had been calling me knew exactly what i wanted to talk to him about. so, the moderator said- sure. when we got in the hall, i explained what had happened, that i had given my number to this guy- he had asked- innocently, thinking that it would be for support, not a daily- or more- call and social expectations. i explained that i had left a message explaining that it wasn't good for me to have contact with people outside the group for now because i tend to take on other people's problems and i really need to get myself well. i told him about the angry call and the one before and after that which werent mean but still outside the boundary that i had set. i had asked him to not have contact with me outside the group. this is an older man, but he is BIG. and, the thing that still rings in my head is how there is a woman in the group who was raped a month and a half ago giving someone a ride home. so, while i am not stretching this to being raped, i am scared. the group moderator said he was glad that i confronted the guy instead of just not coming back to the group- because that is what some people do- and that if he bothered me again to let him know because he would move him to another group. he was also sweet enough to say that he didnt want to lose me in the group. io told him not to worry- i wasn't going anywhere:) i asked him about the guy and if he was "safe" and he said he didn't know, didn't know what the "deal" of most people who come in. so, when the group started, there were new people (oh, and my dad left- he was just dropping me off and picking me up for safety- i was scared!) and the moderator explained what the group was about and then went on the explain that sometimes people were asked to leave the group! i was surprised because i had never heard him explain this before and think he was trying to give this guy the message to leave me alone (i had asked him not to say anything directly to him, afraid it could make it worse) soooo, at the end of the group, when i was talking to someone who was new and wanted to ask some questions about the program i went through in nov-dec. when i was finished, the "guy" came up to me, i didn't know my dad was watching through the window in the door, and said that he was sorry, that he wasn't sensitive to what i was trying to say to him. i thanked him for apologizing and felt much, much better. im still a LITTLE scared, but at least he really knows that im going to address stuff and not push it under the carpet. the thing is that, while i have weaknesses, one of them is not being a mean person. and, the message i left was that i felt badly about having to cut contact outside the group and was really sorry. i do feel badly. i feel really, really fortunate to have a great support network and feel sad that some people do not. but, as i am always reminded by that support network, i cannot "save" everyone or the world. especially for now, i need to focus on making myself well and once i am strong, strong, strong, then i can share and help others more intimately. but, anyway, it seems that this little blip in the road ended well :)

ok, enough rambling. i need to get moving to the road. it's yucky out, but i need to get out regardless.

Day Three

It is another frigid day here. I had a short workout type run scheduled and decided that, with the ice and freezing cold, i would just do it on the treadmill. maybe if i were in better shape, towards the end of this cycle, i would need a faster treadmill than the one in my basement. but, honestly, i don't even know how fast the thing really goes and do not know if it's calibrated so that it's accurate. oh, and i cannot read the speed or time or anything on the "face" of it because ? im not sure why.

regardless, I warmed up for 20 minutes, didn't slog but didn't hammer or run hard either. then, i ran 10 strider type effort spurts of 15 seconds with one minute jog between. i kept cranking the speed until the last three were at as fast as the thing could go. it felt good to move my legs and also to stretch them out. i warmed down 20 minutes as well, again not slogging but not running hard. i finished with 52:30 for the morning. not sure what that means distance wise, but that's ok. the run is complete and im happy. i stretched for a bit afterwards and had a little vanilla soy milk and a yummy granola bar (one of those Q granola bar things) which taste more like rice krispie sqaures.

At noon, i met with another dog sitting person. this one will be fun. there are two dogs, daschunds and quite cute. it's a weekend of dog sitting, so that's a good thing. She also told me that she had a friend who was going away for march who wanted me to walk his dog. this pet sitting/house sitting thing is getting bigger and bigger this winter! Upon returning from their house, i decided to stuff my face with some lunch, even though i am not hungry. these meds are unbelievable. i could not eat for days and feel fine. i have to retrain my body to eat, it seems!

well, the remainder of the day is relaxing and then going to a support group meeting. i am not looking forward to this one, even though it is one i get a lot from (and hope i "give" a lot to). i have to deal with the guy who was calling me and then when i told him i really needed to get well myself and focus on that, not have contact with people outside the group, etc. he called again yesterday, and well, im a bit nervous. i could be being dramatic or something, but i just don't know anything about this person and his anger towards me was weird. im having my dad take me to the meeting and pick me up to remind this guy that my parents are around and supportive. i, also, have to tell the group moderator what "happened" just because i think it's the responsible thing to do. it's not something i am going to enjoy. i would rather push it under the rug and pretend like it never happened, but that's my old life. my new life is dealing with things appropriately. so, that;s about all from here. oh, i did some ab stuff yesterday and plan on doing it again this afternoon or evening, depending on how long my nap is:) i am also going to start lifting this week about twice a week and swimming, but since today is a holiday, everything is closed so it must start tomorrow. happy martin luther king day everyone:)

Day Two

So, today was a pretty lazy day. it snowed about an inch here and had an icy crust under it. i got up late and lazed around, drinking coffee. in light of my promise to eat better, i had some cereal around 11:30 and then lazed around more. at about 2, i ate a small sandwich and it looked like today would be a day off (today would be the day to take and it's in the schedule). But, after the sandwich sort of digested, i decided i would feel better to go for a run. i headed out, dressed for the cold because it was 15 degrees outside. but, it got colder and windier as i continued to run. by the end of my 6 miler++, i couldn't feel my face and my hands were a bit numb. actually, as i write this thing, my hands are still numb!! i felt okay on the run. my hams are defiinitely tight, but i can feel them loosen with each step. im realizing that my inconsistent training has a HUGE part to play in the ham issue. i think with some good stretching- which i did today after the run and even last night before bed- and massage and some consistency, the hams will loosen and my stride will lengthen. for a short person, i have a fairly long stride when i am trying to run fast.

im getting excited to be in shape. i was looking at this whole marathon thing as a daunting task. now, i am looking at it as a fun challenge. how fast can i run this thing? im looking forward to the days, weeks and months and everything they will bring- "good" and "bad" and everything in between. i am trying to keep my excitement under control because i have a long way to go, but each step is getting me closer to my goal. and, the more i think about it, the more it makes sense to run less miles and see what i can do. the past two months have been tough and running a little less may not be a bad thing. in 5 more months, i think i will be an even healthier and stronger person, but i do not see how running 10 or even 20 more miles a week and stressing an already stressed (emotionally) body will help. as i think i have said before, i have always wondered if i would run a better marathon in less mileage and so here's my chance to find out:)

so, on that note, i need to get something WARM. there's some coffee calling my name. hope everyone has had a great weekend. mine has been nice and relaxing.

DAY ONE!

So, it's no big secret that my training has been fairly inconsistent. A run here or there and god only knows how far, but there is one thing for sure- nothing even remotely fast has been happening here! sometimes, i run a lot- a double of 17 or so- sometimes i don't run for a day or two. i have really been letting my body and mind rest and do whatever i feel like. well, it seems like the vacation is over and im ready to train again:)

i went to a 'race" and ran in it today. it was hardly what i would call a race since my stride never opened (according to my dad) and i never really ran hard. it has been sooooooo long since i have really raced that i realize it may take a while to regain the feeling of actual racing. i ran something close to 7 minute pace- give or take a few seconds- for 4 and a half miles. terrible, terrible time, but im not upset in the least. i expected just about what i got! the course was a bit hillier than i expected (or hoped for at this point- although hills stretch out my poor, poor hams which need more stretching- and will get it!) and it was a wet, wet day. but, no complaining. it's jan 14th and NO SNOW is heaven. i feel badly for those skiers- actually, im lying. i don't feel badly at all!!!! they had snow last winter. it's the runners turn this year. snow every other year seeems fair to me. i;ll probably eat my words, but for now, it has been a great winter with very little snow.

the one thing that i was really happy about was that i was at the race. the past few months have been tough emotionally, to deal with stuff that has been eating at you for years is draining, and so it was great to make it to the race. i asked my parents to come with me and it was very funny when the race director asked if i had anyone coming with me (i emailed him for directions). i told him i was the only one running, but my parents were coming:) it may seem strange to hear a 35 yr old ask her parents come to a race, but they are my biggest supporters, love me unconditionally and are just great to me. i remember an old coach saying to me- you do know that your biggest fan is your dad. anyway, it was great to have them there, at the beginning of what i hope is a gradually terrific year.

i am on meds that KILL my appetite. i just don't want to eat and so, since i have been running here and there, i don't worry about eating much. ive lost a lot of weight and so have also lost some strength. i knew that coming into the race, so i took that into account as well. if i am going to train daily, which i will starting today (today was day 1), i need to pay better attention to getting some food in my body before 3pm when i force something little down my throat. so, nutrition is going to be big in regards to my improvement (or not) because it is just sooooooo lacking that it has to get better:)

the other biggie is consistency and running harder. i guess, according to the schedule i received, i am not doubling but just running singles- which doesnt hurt my feelings. i can swim in the afternoons if i want, lift a little and just relax and try and take some of the stress of the past few months of realizing that i can make myself happy after 20 years of wondering. so, no "big" mileage, which will seem like im on vacation- whenever i am really training, i always have run 80 a week, at least. honestly, i have always wondered what it would be like to run a marathon on less and so here's my chance!!!!! im just focusing on getting out there every day and having fun. oh, did i mention that about today? it was just plain fun. i realized that, while i was running slow as a freakin turtle, i was enjoying myself- in spite of the pace and the rain and cold. so, that is a good, good thing and something i haven't been able to say for a long time. the other cool thing was talking to this 84 year old man at the race. he started running in 1973, i think he told me, and i was running all the weekend races back in the early 80s and got to know him a bit then. he's an amazing guy- runs marathons all the time and races and runs all the time. he was the oldest runner at the boston marathon this past year. one of my favorite stories is being at the track with my dad, waiting to help with something. this was way back in 1984 and this man was running around the track, slowly. and, he was a decent runner for his age at the time. my dad and i looked at each other and both wondered aloud what was wrong with him. well, the next day we found out that he had run a 50 mile race the day before we had seen him!!!!

so, it was a good day. yesterday was a bit of a weird day. i told one of the "group" members that i thought it was better to only have contact at the group and he was okay with it at first. then, i got an angry call a few hours later. im sort of nervous and am going to have my dad take me to my next group- and pick me up- just because im a little scared of him. he is an older man and i thought it was harmless when he asked for my number. t hen, the calls started and i got stressed and it wasn't healthy for me to have my back tighten each day as he called. i feel guilty because it doesn't appear he has a lot of people in his life and i can take the time to talk to him, but it almost feels like he thought it was more than that or something from his angry call. again, it's a reminder of a few things- the first is that i trust people quickly. i am not going to change that about myself in regular life, but maybe i will in regards to "groups". i am there to get support and get well not make friends. i have friends (even though i am typing this at 8pm on a sat night, i swear i have friends:) ) it makes me grateful for my family and friends and how much support they have given me and i am a very lucky person. many people in these groups do not have the support. it's a good reminder to be thankful for what i have and not focus on those things in myself that i don't have. in other words, focusing on the positives.

so, on that note, im crashing on the couch to watch law and order. im trying to decide whether or not i am going to a group run at 8am tomorrow morning. there is supposed to be a little snow and i am not a morning person and got up early this morning, so maybe next week? oh, did i mention that the guy who won the race was hot? :)

Pet Sitting, Running, Cat Nutrition?

Running has been slowly becoming fun again. That makes me very happy!!! My personal happiness is first right now, although this morning I don't feel that way (to be explained later), and so running is falling into the second slot because it helps the first slot- personal happiness. I am participating in a race tomorrow, regardless of the pouring rain. I asked my mom to go to it with me and am actually looking forward to going to it. I know that it will not be a "race" for me- i have been running on and off again, but it will be good to participate and get the ball rolling again. I just need to get there and build on that experience because i am a competitive person and it will piss me off/motivate me to get my butt kicked by people who have no business running slow runs with me :) It won't be a confidence booster, except that I know that, am not approaching it as a race and expect to finish and that's all. So, getting there is the confidence booster.

I ran for about 40 minutes plus the past two days. yesterday, i got a massage that felt great! i ran afterwards and my hams were still a little tight. it's ok- they will get better. i started the run on an uphill, so that wasn't the best way to start. i am looking forward to more structured running, which will start on sunday. so, hopefully, my running part of this blog will get very exciting :)

i have a TON of pet sitting coming up. there is a huge market for it. my "regular" client , and friend, is going away for over 2 weeks in february, so that should be fun to hang out at her place. i love it there and the dog, ivan, has gotten so much better. it's fun running from there- im still hopeful that we won't have any snow, like now! Maine and no snow on January 13th- friday the 13th- yikes! anyway, i also have a few other jobs- one for these people i met through a mutual friend of one of my best friends and a cat sitting job for a complete stranger- i put an ad. it was weird having to give a "reference" for a cat sitting job! but, i totally understand. who would trust a complete stranger? ivan's mom has had me in her house several times and knows that im "safe" ,so i think that the cat owner is okay with me staying in her house. i am really thinking that i need to advertise better. i am almost full for the month of february and have barely advertised at all. this could be a great thing for when i am going to school. next year will be getting more science classes so that i can get into grad school- maybe somewhere else? but, for next year, i'll be here. but, back to this year....

my mom was wondering about how many calories our cats need. she put them on a "diet" this summer and started to feed them more dry food than wet. I found a website that says cats need 30-35 calories per pound of body weight ( i was giggling while reading this to her). we have two cats between 15-17 pounds. when i was looking for the calorie count of wet and dry food, i read to her that dry cat food has between 300-400 calories per cup. the look on her face was priceless. she thought she was doing them a "favor" not letting them have as much wet food, but the wet food is about 100 per can. who knew that there is such info about CAT NUTRITION! i am still laughing about it!

i am a little angry with myself right now. i have a hard time saying no to people because i feel mean. well, i have a friend who asked me to put posters up for her, and while she pays me, it is more of a pain in the butt than it's worth. BUT, i said yes. i also said yes 5 other times in less than a week to people. and, now, i have to back out of some things because it's not good for me. one thing that i have found is that i must have a kind face or something because people who are "hurting" generally ask me for "things". i don't mind helping people, and will help anyone, just about. my friend t the other night walked me back to my car, stating "i don't trust that you;re not going to end up helping someone and getting yourself into god knows what!" but, since i have been going to these "group" things, i have realized that i misread men. i think that when someone in a group asks for your phone number or asks to meet to talk about something, it's because they need someone to talk to, not because they "like" you. my male friends continue to tell me i am wrong. and, the added thing is that these men have issues they are dealing with and i cannot help them- right now i can only help myself. sooooo, i have to try to explain that i just cannot meet to talk about legislation to do with depression or go to a movie- it's not helpful to feel pressure from these men. part of me feels mean, part feels like maybe they just need a friend, but i just cannot be that shoulder right now. im trying to get myself well/ better/ and even happier and i cannot be sucked dry, as i usually let myself. so, it's going to be hard to say no to some things. but, if i don't start, im right back to square one. and, i will help people- just not to my detriment. im not sure if im making sense, so i'll end the ramble. happy running. im off to back out of some things:)

GOOD LUCK TO JEFF

I did a SHORT run this morning again for no reason other than pure laziness. 6-7 miles of laziness. But, it's better than nothing. Although, it was gorgeous outside, so i should have sucked it up and run a little more. but, i didn't so it is what it is. I did TONS of errands this morning as well- sending out the last of my New year cards. FInally done- although I realized I forgot one. Im not sure I can find her address anyway. i'll send her an email and send her a "special" card.

I woke to a very exciting call. I have been looking for jobs and trying to find a way to balance my happiness, running, friends and family, my class, and finally work! It seems like work should be further up on the list, but this year is all about wellness (and a FAST marathon:) ) back to the call. it was from a local coach about a coaching position. so, i have a few options on the horizon, and im so happy. something i have always, always, always noticed about my life is how things fall into place , seemingly on their own. so, i guess i won't be "stuck" with something i hate, at least. I can do something that i love while getting myself stronger and stronger mentally and physically. i am sooo anxious to see where i am at in 6 months and then a year. I am just such a different person in the past few months that i cannot even explain it- and different in a better way.

i had a massage at 1:30. i feel very fortunate to have such a great massage therapist (that i cannot afford to have, but life is short so why the hell not!) she works basically on my back and neck and my back is SORE right now! last week i had another great massage and called her to thank her (on her machine) for such a great massage because i ran an entire run in the freezing cold rain without pain in my back. i need to do more stretching and core stuff. i have been lazy about it. and, im paying. but, it also seems that one of my shoulders is abut an inch lower than the other one. i wonder if, when gravity kicks in, only one arm will drag on the ground when im a 4'2", older woman? so, the massage seems to have moved some stuff around again.

Enough for now. GOOD LUCK TO JEFF!!!!!!

Yummy Boys

So, today will not be much about running since it was a day off. I met this yummy boy in a coffee shop. I know I am not in a place to be in a relationship- because of all the recovery stuff I have to do- but boy is this boy yummy and tempting:) Sorry, but i had to share that because it has been a long time since a yummy boy gave me the time of day:)

I also just found out that a friend's/acquaintance grandmother died. She was a philanthropist, the entire family is, giving a boatload of money to charities. the number quoted in the paper is over 100 million dollars. Amazing family. She was close to 90 and so lived a long life, but it's still sad to lose your grandmother. I guess the good thing about being a trust fund kid is knowing that if you need therapy to deal with your grief, you don't have to worry about how to pay for it:)

Well, that's about all tonight. i have a meeting tonight and then a political thing for my dad, so that should be fun. Maybe I'll bump into more yummy boys- seems they are everywhere lately:)

One last running related thing. I did bite the bullet and ask someone for running related advice, so that should be good. i need guidance- in so many ways:)- but particularly in running. I have been waiting patiently, but im not patient by nature, so im getting anxious. Small steps and patience, small steps and patience, small steps and patience. Ok, so that's not working, but it's the best I can do for now:)

One last, last non running thing. I had dinner with a very sweet friend last night. Everyone should have an older female friend I have decided. She is so wise and has been through so much that it puts things in perspective for me. We talked for about 2 plus hours before getting yummy thai takeout and talking some more. She has an illness that I had known about from her husband, but she and I had never talked about it. It's chronic leukemia and not fast moving, but it still makes me sad for her, which she would strangle me for saying. She doesn't want anyone to think of her as sick. She isn't sick, but I hope that her future continues the way her life is going now. So, I had a really great visit with her and always take so much away from her, from things about men, happiness, life, love and everything in between. I realized at 920ish that we hadn't stopped talking since I arrived at 6! Things are tremendous here and fingers are crossed that it continues:)

New Year Celebration

I ended up staying up nearly all night on Dec. 31st. However, it wasn't by my choice! I had a great dinner, followed by delicious pineapple, strawberries and sweet pretzels dipped in chocolate, and hung out, talking with my friends. When it was about 11, my body automatically shut down. I was wiped and ready to sleep. So, my friends went upstairs to the other living room and I tried to sleep. The apartment that my friends live in is in a hotel. The bedrooms face the back of the kitchen, where the waitstaff goes outside and parties. I peeked outside and saw that there were several bottles (by several I mean 10 or so) lined on the railing for them to drink. It wasn't the drinking that was bad but the loudness. It seemed as though they were screaming and even changing rooms didn't change much. By 3 or 4, they finally went elsewhere. The thing you have to keep in mind that makes this absurd is the temperature. It was 20 degrees, at the warmest, and so I was wondering why they weren't doing this inside somewhere!!!

I woke up late, and two of my friends had gone XC skiing. They were planning, and did, to ski for 3 hours, which must have been hell given that there is no snow. I ran about 10 miles and felt ok, nothing to write home about but nothing too terrible either. Afterwards. I hung out with my friends, we got lunch (bagel sandwiches) and then I came home to Maine. I had a cup of coffee on the way home to keep myself awake and then napped once I got home. Im always amazed what a good nap will do for me:)

So, that's the highlight of my new years and new year day. It's still beautiful out- sunny and no snow, albeit a bit cold. I decided to sleep in today and rest and run a bit later. So, I am headed out for a nice run and some striders. Hope everyone is starting off their New Year on the right note:)

New Years Resolutions

Okay, so I much admit that I do enjoy new years. I am not sure why. Sometimes, I do not even do a thing. but, there is something about a new year with new possibilities that excites me. call me a weirdo:) I happen to have plans this evening. i am meeting with some friends for dinner in another state and am looking forward to my first run of the new year to be in another state:) again, it's okay to call me a weirdo. i am going to make some resolutions, but they will be vague and it's okay if i don't "meet" them, but i work well with goals:

1) most importantly is to take care of myself and my happiness. this should be a given at this point in my life, but it hasn't always been. 2006 I will take better care of my entire being, as I have already begun in 2005. I am very thankful for the people who have helped me see my value and are continuing to help me build on that foundation. I will learn to be my best friend this year:)

2) Run some races and maybe run a sub 247 marathon at some point:) I cannot quite say qualify for the trials because it seems daunting, but if i do number one, this one should work out fine. small steps though.

3) Remind my family and friends how much they really mean to me and how much they have helped me get through a rough time in my life. Actually, they have helped me get through many rough times, but this final real rough time, since now I know where to go and how to help myself.

4) Be extremely thankful for the support groups I have found. Monday night is particularly helpful, so I vow to attend as many as humanly possibly on mondays, meaning I hope to not miss one.

5) If I enter into a relationship with the opposite sex (godforbid), i will only do so if I am feeling well and ready. I will not be cajoled into another bullshit relationship but will be patient. Patience seems to be the theme of my 2006.

Some, or all, of these seem to be things I should already be doing, and i think i am right this second, but it is easy to slip once i am feeling better, and I want it in writing that I will take care of myself and value myself. These past many years- 20 to be exact- have been tough, and I hope to not repeat them. Although i do know that "slips" occur, it will not occur because i am not sticking with my program.

So, enough of that. I am heading out of here late. Hope everyone has a safe and happy new year. Im looking forward to consuming 100 diet vanilla cokes. Actually, since i no longer drink the crap, even a little makes me feel sick. i'll just enjoy a great dinner with friends. hope everyone has someone to spend some time with tonight, and if not, i hope that you like yourself enough to enjoy your own company.

HAPPY NEW YEAR!!!!!

Training for 2006

I guess that I have to update the day before instead of the current day since I usually do my writing in the morning.

Yesterday, I had a massage scheduled. It is with the woman who massaged me all summer, twice a week! My ex almost insisted that I go, and he paid, so who wouldn't:) Since out split, in september or november?, I haven't really "dared" go back. I didn't want to bump into him and wasn't ready to go back to a place that was where we spent any time. But, since I am a new version of myself, I made an appointment last week. This week's appointment was AWESOME. She gives a great massage and a great deal. She really worked on my lower back, and it hurt a bit, but it made me feel 95% better! I felt so much better running yesterday, and even just walking around this morning, that I left a message this morning thanking her for the great massage. She's awesome!

After my run, I ran around the lake (being a bit paranoid, i don't want to say which lake, in case there are stalkers out there and also to remain anonymous as much as possible) it was a super run. I didn't really want to run, but I forced myself to go. it was a cold, cold rain, but it turned out to be really nice, except the last mile or so when i couldn't feel my lips!! some guy even pulled up next to me to ask me if i was okay, im sure wondering why anyone would choose to be out in that mess. I finished up the 11 miler - or so- and relaized I didn;t have dry clothes. bummer. I did manage to find some dry shorts and a long, long t-shirt in my trunk, but it was 40 degrees- or less- out and i was still cold. So, I stopped at Dunkin Donuts to get a coffee too warm me up. I hung out with a friend for a bit and headed home.

My plan was to run again. I was actually dressed and had run a few seconds when something hit me. im having trouble eating, due to my new meds, and so it's really important that i eat a lot if im going to try and do lots of training. So, as an incentive to eat, even though I am not hungry, I decided not to double unless I am eating during the day. I walked the few steps home and stuffed my face with some yummy mushroom pizza. Eating to do doubles is a great incentive to be sure I eat more. My friend, whom I haven't seen for a while, asked me if I weighed 90 pounds, so I figured I am probably on the edge of being too skinny.

It's a really, really weird experience to not think about eating all day, not crave any kind of food or use it to push other things out of my mind, but to know that I need to do it because I need to run well. I have always abused food, before my "program" on Nov 17th, and it's just a strange feeling to not abuse it and be able to rationalize with myself that I need to eat to be healthy and run fast. it's also weird to be too thin. I've struggled for years with thinking that i am fat and to know that i am too thin is a great sign to me. a sign that my health is returning. i want to be healthy and so i am trying to do all the things that i can to keep myself healthy.

after my non- run and pizza fest, I went to a meeting. I have been going to support group meetings to help me continue to improve with my depression/anxiety. they are extremely helpful. this one last night wasn't the best one I have been to, but it helped some. i attend one on monday nights that is incredible! the guy who currently facilitates the meeting is 78 and just an amazing resource of wisdom. i was asking a question about why some supposed "friends" who had said some pretty awful things about me, throughout this year and throughout the years, would bother to send me a christmas card. his answer shed some light on a lot of things in my life, "to hurt you". i, as everyone does, have plenty of faults, but being a mean person or purposefully trying to be hurtful isn't one of them, so the idea never even factored in to my thinking. he'll constantly say little things that really shift my thought process. that same night, i realized that i would never be as judgemental with my friends as i am with myself, so why am i so harsh on myself? anyway, it's an emotional time, but also a very exciting time in my life where every day brings a new sense of peace and happiness that i never knew possible. i really think that 2006 brings new possibilities:) i have to remind myself it's about small steps and moving forward and being positive with myself and keeping my side of the "street" clean are all things I need to do.

after the meeting, i hung out with a friend A. i havent seen him in a few days because he has been away. it was good to catch up and fun to freak out his mom by answering the phone. she was like, "um, is this - and recited the number-" and i said, "yes", not entirely sure it was his mom and then she asked who i was and i realized it was her. We all laughed at the humor in his mom shocked that a woman would answer the phone!

ok, ive rambled enough for one morning. off for a run. i'll update tomorrow.

New Life

Yesterday i realized something kind of interesting. i have this 15 mile loop that i haven't done in forever. i always associated it with my first marathon and thought it brought back "bad" memories of that training period. i trained my butt off and ran my first marathon in 253 and was 3 minutes shy of my goal and sad for a long, long time. i think if i had eaten a little more along the way it would have made a huge difference. i was in super, super shape and really should have run much better. anyway, i went out to run 2 hours yesterday and found myself on "THE LOOP". it was cold, but sunny, and i realized that the loop actually represented happiness with my training and that i have spent too much time denying myself of happiness. so, i plan on hitting that loop a lot more:) it was a great run until about 12-13 miles when my 3 weeks of the program and very little running hit me. i was actually quite pleased because it's a tough loop and i wasnt sure how my body would handle it. i have been running shorter stuff so who knows when you venture into the longer stuff. and, there are about 7-8 miles of up and down that beat the heck out of your legs. sooooo, i was pleasantly surprised yesterday.

i have also been experiencing something quite weird for me. my eating isnt an issue. i dont crave things, dont binge, dont obsess about things to shove down my throat or beat myself and not eat. i have just been doing what i think i should. i think that my meds may be a huge contributing factor to this. i think that my chemicals are in line and i no longer need to hide behind food to cover emotions. i think this particular med may also kill my appetite, although i wasn't told that. it's more like i have that switch in my body when you know enough is enough? i know this must sound insane to most people, but i have never (with the exception of those 5-6 months 3 years ago when my meds were in line) had the ability to say that i had enough food or that i needed more. the challenge for me now that i am back training is to eat enough to train well. it's such a weird, weird experience. i have started doing the fitday.com thing, just to keep myself in check that i am eating enough to support my training. a few days last week, i would find myself at work, realizing that i hadnt eaten all day and that's not a good thing. soooo, i m being more dilligent about eating regular meals, whether i feel hungry or not. this is just so weird! i love that i am not focused on food- it frees up SOOOOOO much space in my head:)

I am still working part time at LL Bean. i work at night - 4-10- and the other day bumped into a woman i know from my ex. we talked for a bit (she was actually the woman he had asked to marry us once this summer- i was quite shocked when it came flying out of his mouth because while we had talked about getting married- he asked on at least a weekly basis- we hadnt talked about the specifics- anyway, it was nice to talk to her. the next day, she came to find me (i work in the warehouse and the place is huge, so bumping into someone is something you don't generally do- the second time, she knew what my "department" was. anyway, she came to find me because her girls wanted her to tell me they missed me. it made me quite sad to think of them and all the kids i met through my ex whom i will most likely not see much again. but, no sadness allowed. it also made me feel good to think that they werent jumping for joy that i was out of his life.

so, back to my run yesterday. i felt so happy to be runing on my loop. it always amazes me how strong my breathing is. i really need to start lifting on a regular basis again and strengthening my abs. my back is sore more than i want to admit. it's not my back but the left side of my butt- it's connected to the adductor (i think) and i know what i need to do to make the pain go away. sooo, it's time to do it instead of thinking abut doing it!!

it's snowing here today. im going to go for a drive and see if i can find some roads that are not snow covered and run back and forth for a bit. if not, i;ll head to my treadmill in the basement (thanks dad- he bought it for me a few years ago:) ) and then hit the weights at LL Bean. I am allowed to use their fitness room because I am an employee. i am hoping to stretch my employment with them a bit (through Jan) so that i can use their weight room and also maybe take a little reprieve from the crappy weather before my marathon. ok, so gotta get ready to run. hope everyone is doing as well as i am:)