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February 11, 2006
Dog sitting and running
Well, I am at my "regular" dog sitting job. This one is a 17 day job!!! The people who own the dog/house are so sweet to me. I get paid an insane amount of money to watch their dog, they gave me a gift certificate for food (my massage therapist says it's because they are screaming at me to eat:) ) and when i went upstairs to put some stuff away, there was a Valentine present. I was immediately in tears because 1)it's so sweet and they are so good to me 2) my ex and i spent so much time here last winter that J knows how it won't be easy for me to stay here and 3) i am just having a terrible time with my meds lately. i'm crying as i write this!!!!
anyway, running is going. that's better than i could have said a few weeks ago. ive, slowly, started to get my butt in gear and get out there. i had a 30 minnute run on wed, 35 on thur (and then a terrific massage!), yesterday was a terrible day- couldnt control my crying and had to go to a funeral for a friend;s grandmother - as my mom pointed out, a funeral is probably the only place where you don't have to explain why you are crying- and today was a 52 minute run, which excites me! it means that maybe i can get myself moving and actually do this marathon training thing:) i got a heart rate monitor on wed- my mom and i drove to N. conway to my friend's store to get it because i am too compulsive to wait for him to bring it back here after the weekend. i have been using it, but it's hard to really know what anything means right now. im trying to eat better and drink better (water and juice, etc) and am not in the best shape, so i am not moving fast in the first place. i see it more as encouragement for when i am back in shape.
thur i had a great massage where my therapist actually told me she could notice a big difference- not as much tightness in my back and shoulder area. that got me thinking that it's time to get moving. i visited with my friends R and S before returning home and on the way home it hit me. i got really pissed at myself for not taking care of myself and then wondering why i cannot run- DUH! and, i got pissed enough to get out and run, regardless of how ugly it is right now and regardless of how i feel. i increased my meds about 3 weeks ago and something is wrong (i did this with my doctor's ok) i cannot control my crying. i break out at odd times and for no reason. i can be talking to a friend and saying everything is fine and then an hour later i find myself crying. it's very frustrating and troubling, at best. i see my doctor on monday, but in the meantime, im keeping the tissues handy and wearing sunglasses as much as possible- lucky today is a sunny day!
it's hard being in this house. it reminds me of my ex and the good times we had here and the things we talked about for the future. the thing that makes it really, really hard for me is that i went into the relationship wanting nothing except companionship. after hearing for months how we were going to be married, i was the only woman he ever wanted to be with, etc, etc, i began to want those things, too, and to believe they were going to happen. so, even though it is a long time since we;ve spoken= about 3 months- sitting in this house is bringing a lot of it back. it';s just hard to shut all those emotions off and i just wonder if he ever even thinks about me. and, these are things i wasnt thinking about so much. i feel dysfunctional, pathetic and like i should just be over it, move along and focus on other things. i am moving along, but im having a hard time letting go of the memories. and, with my meds not the way they should, im a mess. but, im a mess who is running, so that is a good thing. enough wallowing for now- Ivan, the dog, needs to be walked.
Posted by lilly at February 11, 2006 01:39 PM
Comments
Lilly,
The best thing about dogs is that they provide perfect, permanent companionship anytime you need it. Sure, they don't talk, but sometimes you don't want anyone to talk to! I hope you can find peace and enjoyment in your dogsitting/housesitting adventure!
Posted by: Meghan at February 11, 2006 09:37 PM
Hey Lilly! We haven't heard from you in a few days . . . I was just wondering how training and dog sitting are going! I miss not reading your blog :)
Posted by: bridget at February 24, 2006 02:19 PM
just browsing... Keep your head up. Still coaching? Get out the door and get after it..
Posted by: CoachH at February 24, 2006 07:51 PM