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December 31, 2005
New Years Resolutions
Okay, so I much admit that I do enjoy new years. I am not sure why. Sometimes, I do not even do a thing. but, there is something about a new year with new possibilities that excites me. call me a weirdo:) I happen to have plans this evening. i am meeting with some friends for dinner in another state and am looking forward to my first run of the new year to be in another state:) again, it's okay to call me a weirdo. i am going to make some resolutions, but they will be vague and it's okay if i don't "meet" them, but i work well with goals:
1) most importantly is to take care of myself and my happiness. this should be a given at this point in my life, but it hasn't always been. 2006 I will take better care of my entire being, as I have already begun in 2005. I am very thankful for the people who have helped me see my value and are continuing to help me build on that foundation. I will learn to be my best friend this year:)
2) Run some races and maybe run a sub 247 marathon at some point:) I cannot quite say qualify for the trials because it seems daunting, but if i do number one, this one should work out fine. small steps though.
3) Remind my family and friends how much they really mean to me and how much they have helped me get through a rough time in my life. Actually, they have helped me get through many rough times, but this final real rough time, since now I know where to go and how to help myself.
4) Be extremely thankful for the support groups I have found. Monday night is particularly helpful, so I vow to attend as many as humanly possibly on mondays, meaning I hope to not miss one.
5) If I enter into a relationship with the opposite sex (godforbid), i will only do so if I am feeling well and ready. I will not be cajoled into another bullshit relationship but will be patient. Patience seems to be the theme of my 2006.
Some, or all, of these seem to be things I should already be doing, and i think i am right this second, but it is easy to slip once i am feeling better, and I want it in writing that I will take care of myself and value myself. These past many years- 20 to be exact- have been tough, and I hope to not repeat them. Although i do know that "slips" occur, it will not occur because i am not sticking with my program.
So, enough of that. I am heading out of here late. Hope everyone has a safe and happy new year. Im looking forward to consuming 100 diet vanilla cokes. Actually, since i no longer drink the crap, even a little makes me feel sick. i'll just enjoy a great dinner with friends. hope everyone has someone to spend some time with tonight, and if not, i hope that you like yourself enough to enjoy your own company.
HAPPY NEW YEAR!!!!!
Posted by lilly at 3:04 PM | Comments (2)
December 30, 2005
Training for 2006
I guess that I have to update the day before instead of the current day since I usually do my writing in the morning.
Yesterday, I had a massage scheduled. It is with the woman who massaged me all summer, twice a week! My ex almost insisted that I go, and he paid, so who wouldn't:) Since out split, in september or november?, I haven't really "dared" go back. I didn't want to bump into him and wasn't ready to go back to a place that was where we spent any time. But, since I am a new version of myself, I made an appointment last week. This week's appointment was AWESOME. She gives a great massage and a great deal. She really worked on my lower back, and it hurt a bit, but it made me feel 95% better! I felt so much better running yesterday, and even just walking around this morning, that I left a message this morning thanking her for the great massage. She's awesome!
After my run, I ran around the lake (being a bit paranoid, i don't want to say which lake, in case there are stalkers out there and also to remain anonymous as much as possible) it was a super run. I didn't really want to run, but I forced myself to go. it was a cold, cold rain, but it turned out to be really nice, except the last mile or so when i couldn't feel my lips!! some guy even pulled up next to me to ask me if i was okay, im sure wondering why anyone would choose to be out in that mess. I finished up the 11 miler - or so- and relaized I didn;t have dry clothes. bummer. I did manage to find some dry shorts and a long, long t-shirt in my trunk, but it was 40 degrees- or less- out and i was still cold. So, I stopped at Dunkin Donuts to get a coffee too warm me up. I hung out with a friend for a bit and headed home.
My plan was to run again. I was actually dressed and had run a few seconds when something hit me. im having trouble eating, due to my new meds, and so it's really important that i eat a lot if im going to try and do lots of training. So, as an incentive to eat, even though I am not hungry, I decided not to double unless I am eating during the day. I walked the few steps home and stuffed my face with some yummy mushroom pizza. Eating to do doubles is a great incentive to be sure I eat more. My friend, whom I haven't seen for a while, asked me if I weighed 90 pounds, so I figured I am probably on the edge of being too skinny.
It's a really, really weird experience to not think about eating all day, not crave any kind of food or use it to push other things out of my mind, but to know that I need to do it because I need to run well. I have always abused food, before my "program" on Nov 17th, and it's just a strange feeling to not abuse it and be able to rationalize with myself that I need to eat to be healthy and run fast. it's also weird to be too thin. I've struggled for years with thinking that i am fat and to know that i am too thin is a great sign to me. a sign that my health is returning. i want to be healthy and so i am trying to do all the things that i can to keep myself healthy.
after my non- run and pizza fest, I went to a meeting. I have been going to support group meetings to help me continue to improve with my depression/anxiety. they are extremely helpful. this one last night wasn't the best one I have been to, but it helped some. i attend one on monday nights that is incredible! the guy who currently facilitates the meeting is 78 and just an amazing resource of wisdom. i was asking a question about why some supposed "friends" who had said some pretty awful things about me, throughout this year and throughout the years, would bother to send me a christmas card. his answer shed some light on a lot of things in my life, "to hurt you". i, as everyone does, have plenty of faults, but being a mean person or purposefully trying to be hurtful isn't one of them, so the idea never even factored in to my thinking. he'll constantly say little things that really shift my thought process. that same night, i realized that i would never be as judgemental with my friends as i am with myself, so why am i so harsh on myself? anyway, it's an emotional time, but also a very exciting time in my life where every day brings a new sense of peace and happiness that i never knew possible. i really think that 2006 brings new possibilities:) i have to remind myself it's about small steps and moving forward and being positive with myself and keeping my side of the "street" clean are all things I need to do.
after the meeting, i hung out with a friend A. i havent seen him in a few days because he has been away. it was good to catch up and fun to freak out his mom by answering the phone. she was like, "um, is this - and recited the number-" and i said, "yes", not entirely sure it was his mom and then she asked who i was and i realized it was her. We all laughed at the humor in his mom shocked that a woman would answer the phone!
ok, ive rambled enough for one morning. off for a run. i'll update tomorrow.
Posted by lilly at 10:00 AM | Comments (0)
December 16, 2005
New Life
Yesterday i realized something kind of interesting. i have this 15 mile loop that i haven't done in forever. i always associated it with my first marathon and thought it brought back "bad" memories of that training period. i trained my butt off and ran my first marathon in 253 and was 3 minutes shy of my goal and sad for a long, long time. i think if i had eaten a little more along the way it would have made a huge difference. i was in super, super shape and really should have run much better. anyway, i went out to run 2 hours yesterday and found myself on "THE LOOP". it was cold, but sunny, and i realized that the loop actually represented happiness with my training and that i have spent too much time denying myself of happiness. so, i plan on hitting that loop a lot more:) it was a great run until about 12-13 miles when my 3 weeks of the program and very little running hit me. i was actually quite pleased because it's a tough loop and i wasnt sure how my body would handle it. i have been running shorter stuff so who knows when you venture into the longer stuff. and, there are about 7-8 miles of up and down that beat the heck out of your legs. sooooo, i was pleasantly surprised yesterday.
i have also been experiencing something quite weird for me. my eating isnt an issue. i dont crave things, dont binge, dont obsess about things to shove down my throat or beat myself and not eat. i have just been doing what i think i should. i think that my meds may be a huge contributing factor to this. i think that my chemicals are in line and i no longer need to hide behind food to cover emotions. i think this particular med may also kill my appetite, although i wasn't told that. it's more like i have that switch in my body when you know enough is enough? i know this must sound insane to most people, but i have never (with the exception of those 5-6 months 3 years ago when my meds were in line) had the ability to say that i had enough food or that i needed more. the challenge for me now that i am back training is to eat enough to train well. it's such a weird, weird experience. i have started doing the fitday.com thing, just to keep myself in check that i am eating enough to support my training. a few days last week, i would find myself at work, realizing that i hadnt eaten all day and that's not a good thing. soooo, i m being more dilligent about eating regular meals, whether i feel hungry or not. this is just so weird! i love that i am not focused on food- it frees up SOOOOOO much space in my head:)
I am still working part time at LL Bean. i work at night - 4-10- and the other day bumped into a woman i know from my ex. we talked for a bit (she was actually the woman he had asked to marry us once this summer- i was quite shocked when it came flying out of his mouth because while we had talked about getting married- he asked on at least a weekly basis- we hadnt talked about the specifics- anyway, it was nice to talk to her. the next day, she came to find me (i work in the warehouse and the place is huge, so bumping into someone is something you don't generally do- the second time, she knew what my "department" was. anyway, she came to find me because her girls wanted her to tell me they missed me. it made me quite sad to think of them and all the kids i met through my ex whom i will most likely not see much again. but, no sadness allowed. it also made me feel good to think that they werent jumping for joy that i was out of his life.
so, back to my run yesterday. i felt so happy to be runing on my loop. it always amazes me how strong my breathing is. i really need to start lifting on a regular basis again and strengthening my abs. my back is sore more than i want to admit. it's not my back but the left side of my butt- it's connected to the adductor (i think) and i know what i need to do to make the pain go away. sooo, it's time to do it instead of thinking abut doing it!!
it's snowing here today. im going to go for a drive and see if i can find some roads that are not snow covered and run back and forth for a bit. if not, i;ll head to my treadmill in the basement (thanks dad- he bought it for me a few years ago:) ) and then hit the weights at LL Bean. I am allowed to use their fitness room because I am an employee. i am hoping to stretch my employment with them a bit (through Jan) so that i can use their weight room and also maybe take a little reprieve from the crappy weather before my marathon. ok, so gotta get ready to run. hope everyone is doing as well as i am:)
Posted by lilly at 9:49 AM | Comments (0)
December 11, 2005
3 More Weeks!
Life here is good. Training is slow going, but that's okay because it's going. Plus, it feels so nice to feel peaceful and happy for a change that I am sort of, no completely, basking in that feeling. It's weird because I have always relied on outside things to fill that hole. My constant companion has been my eating "issues". The doctor at the program I just left loved that term. He said, "What is that word you use again? Not disorder but, what?" Issues just makes it feel less strange- I mean everyone has issues, right?! :) I have found that I do not WANT to abuse food. It is a strange feeling. I have always just done it so naturally, in one form or another, that it has been my "friend" in times of need. Even if things were going "well", I would find a way to abuse it. Qualify for the trials? Eat your way back to the airport from Duluth, then eat all the way back home. Then, spend the next week not eating for a few days and then eating everything in sight for a few days. It has been a cycle of one way or the other for 20 years. To not feel like i NEED it seems incredible. I havent thought about how i can stop this cycle, have actually decided to ease up on things i am usually anal about while i was going through this program. well, while dealing with my sadness, and getting my meds in order, guess what happened? i became a friend to myself and food isn't needed (for now!) the key for now is doing everything in my power to build my mind so strong (as im hoping my body will be:) ) that it can handle anything. Nothing feels out of control- for the first time in my life- it makes me want to cry!!!! it's just something i have never felt and the feeling is super. so, this is what it feels like to be human? to have dreams and goals and not be thinking about how badly you feel or wondering what is wrong with you and then thinking about what you can stuff in your mouth to avoid the pain that you are feeling? i think i'll take this human thing!
I have three more weeks of work at LL Bean. I am hoping to make as much money as I can and live cheaply for a bit, so that I can take a breather and go to some group meetings, do some reading and hopefully take a class before deciding what is next. i have a few part time jobs on the horizon, but it's all about small steps, so one thing at a time.
running wise, i am hoping to run a race in a warmer climate and am trying to convince a friend to go with me. he is an ex boyfriend whom i have kept in touch with for a few years. it was a sad breakup, but he's a very nice person and i want him in my life forever, regardless of whether that means we email once a year or once a day. and, due to my past with men (my "issues" have led me to choosing not so great men for me), i got very lucky with this guy. anyway, he is hoping that 2006 running goes better for him and may use this as a test of sorts. i dont think either of us expect to set the world on fire (or even run as fast as we would like), but the idea of going to a warmer place in january appeals to me( i won't speak for him) ive been looking into package deals because they seem soooo much cheaper. why is it that two people can travel cheaper than one- well, when you break it down? it would cost me about $100 more to go alone- if not more! so, i have told him that he has no choice but to go:) he may or may not. we've stayed in touch since the breakup, well, after i got over it, but we havent seen each other since then (again- we have seen each other, but i wasnt "over it" and it was at races and strange) so, it may be a little weird at first, but ive assured him there are two beds and plus, we're there to race!!!! and, while i think he is a super, super person, i know that we are better friends than anything. and, priority for me is taking care of myself and doing this recovery thing right- not dragging a man into the middle of something! i want/need to do this thing with the help of friends and family and not confuse things with a "relationship". if i cant sell the idea to him, anyone want to go to a half marathon in mid january?
hmm, that's the excitement in my life- which is really quite a bit. it feels good to relax right now. i have been non stop emotionally and physically with the job and "program" and it feels good to have graduated from the program (im not sure if i mentioned that the official program is through and i graduated - wonder if with high honors? i;ll have to ask:) ) i have all kinds of things i need to do as part of the "recovery" process, but at this point, things are happening "perfectly" for me. as much as this sounds weird, there must be a God out there looking out for me. a month ago, i was thinking about how i could sit in a lake, get hypothermic, fall asleep and let the pain end and now im looking forward to the future? again, im in tears thinking about how thankful and lucky i am and hoping that if there is someone out there who feels as hopeless as i did (that they cant do anything right, that they cant imagine finding a career that is worthwhile, that even things they used to enjoy suck, i could go on) , i hope that they know there is help out there. ask any crisis center and they will send you in the right direction. if i ever find myself with extra money in my pockets (this will be many, many years from now!), i will be giving it to them since they gave me back my life.
ok, enough sentimental stuff for now. i promise this will become mostly a running blog, but as a friend told me many years ago, until you get this "thing" under control, your running won't go anywhere. soooo, im looking forward to where it can go now:) im older, wiser and stronger, so i cant wait for 2006:::))) hope everyone is running well and healthy emotionally and physically.
Posted by lilly at 11:03 AM | Comments (1)
December 4, 2005
New Beginnings
It seems like it was about 20 years ago since I last wrote. And, that isn't because of the time that has lapsed but because of what I have learned about myself and how much better I feel!! I won't go into the details about my "help" because it would take too long and bore people, but if anyone wants details as to how to get some help for severe depression and anxiety, etc, please leave a comment and I will happily send you the details. I realized that I also have ugly anxiety. Who knew it? I would have said that I was a very relaxed person before I got help (the guy helping me laughed when I said that!). I am on some new "drugs" that are working miracles, along with some really good "coping skills". If I hear that word one more time, I could puke, but I also know it's a life saver. The really amazing thing for me is that the ex boyfriend thing seems like nothing at this point. I realized that I was focusing on that disaster instead of taking care of myself because I really never knew how to take care of myself. So, rather than make myself better, I focused on his life and issues- neither of which i would trade him for and im not being mean. i feel badly for him. and, i probably shouldnt, but i do.
Enough about him since that isnt what this is about. it's about me and my running, but i think it's really important to also be as vocal as i can about my struggles because it could help others. this past few weeks of intense therapy - and i have one more week left, although i am on early release because i am doing so well:) - have been the best weeks of my life. i feel like my life has just begun, like i have hope and forward thinking and motion. before, i could think about the future but was paralyzed to do anything about it. that extended to running, returning to school, getting out of pj's! my depression got worse and worse as it was left essentially untreated. i was taking medication, but that was really it. and, i wasn't on the right stuff and felt like it was my fault because it should be working. i learned to be more proactive about how i am feeling - or not feeling- because otherwise health professionals cannot help you. even if you don't have insurance or don't think you can take the time off from work or life, if you are feeling as miserably as i have felt, it's worth saying the hell with it and really taking the time to get well. the struggle for me is that i have a great family, had a great upbringing and have great support in my family. it brings a sense of guilt that i cannot do anything. i feel like they think it has something to do with something they have done wrong, but it has nothing to do with anything but me. i have severe depression, screwed up chemicals and need to retrain my brain to think in a completely positive way so that when something hard happens, my brain knows how to go into that positive mode, as much as it can. i am looking at it like training for a marathon- train my mind to get through the tough times and it is especially easy to do when you are feeling well. i feel such relief to feel happiness/contentment and just a general sense of peace that i have only felt for 5-6 months out of my life. rather than try to explain to those people who have been critical of me, i think i have decided to try and educate those positive people in my life about my struggles and also be as vocal as possible about my struggles so i may help others. i have one particularly mean person who was in my life who made the comment- she needs to go home and get a job so that she can be respectable. i feel sad for that person because she clearly didnt know me or my struggles or anything about what people go through in life. ive learned through this experience that it is always much easier to judge someone than to look at that person and really get to know them and what they are all about. i have met some extremely intelligent people who have had some pretty terrible circumstances. one person, was a teacher, has a masters in education, an lpn and was a nurse, until 2 years ago when she was sexually assaulted and her entire life is different. she is very overweight, walks with a walker, has severe depression, hears voices and wants to get better and tries but just struggles. she is an amazing person with more strength than anyone i know, but most people would not have the honor of getting to know her and her thoughts the way i have. i guess the saying- dont judge someone unless you have walked a mile in their shoes has rung true for me.
so, now that i am feeling like a new person, i have started training and eating well and sleeping well and "honoring" myself by taking care of myself instead of starving myself, not running, not sleeping well (meaning all day) or wasting my time thinking about people who don;t have my best interests at heart. this whole taking care of myself is fun:) so, yesterday was the designated day back to "real" training. I ran 90 minutes in the morning. i ran to some trails and on the trails for 30 minutes or so. i was impressed with myself because i had to cross a "river" on a small tree branch and wondered if i would fall up to my armpits in water due to lack of balance! i didnt and was quite impressed. and, on my return trip, i managed to make it across dry as well! the trails were better than i expected - it has been a year or so since i have run them- and extended. the trail system around here has been improved greatly and it shows! i came home, ate a large lunch, sandwich with cheese and veggie turkey, yogurt, odwalla blueberry drink, granola bar and something else that i cannot remember right now. i wrote positive affirmations in my little notebook, took a nap and woke up and got ready to run again. i had a snack of half a powerbar and coffee and then went for a 45 (which turned into 46 ) minute run around my flat neighborhood. it was fun. the moom was a small sliver and it was just a beautiful night and it's sooooooooooooooooooo nice to enjoy running again. afterwards, i made some gatorade and took it to go lift. lifting was ok and much improved talking with some really interesting guy who just returned from london studying for his masters and is going to new zealand in january after his seasonal job is finished . i lift at the weight room at my current employer- LL Bean- but it will end for me once the christmas season is over. so, i need to find another cheap weight room- meaning free:)
after lifting and doing abs, i met a friend J for sushi. i gorged myself and had a really good time catching up with him. bed by 10:30 and here I sit waiting to go running:) waiting excitedly instead of dreading it though:)
one last thought. i have decided that i am going to pursue exercise phys instead of counseling because it's what has always interested me- why some people can perform so well and some cannot and just how the body works in general. but, i need to take some undergrad science classes first, so im meeting with a professor in a few weeks and hoping to take a class this spring- and also hoping that means i can use that indoor track and sweet weight room!
gotta get ready for a run:)
Posted by lilly at 8:50 AM | Comments (20)