Miles in the Bank: November 2005 Archives

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November 20, 2005

LONG Week!! NO RUNNING!

While this past week has been one of the longest of my life, it has been one of the most important as well. Running took a huge backseat this week. As I said yesterday, I missed running, so that is a really good sign for me.

I have spent the past 20 years with this nagging feeling that there's something wrong with me. Many years ago, I used alcohol and have always used food to deal with these feelings. I never understood what was wrong with me. I have had a very good life. My parents are supportive and wonderful (although I went through that stage where I was looking for reasons in their parenting that "caused" me to feel the way I felt). I have been given some very good opportunities and have taken advantage of some and pissed away others. Through it all, though, I have never felt worthy of anything in life. Somehow, I have never felt like I deserve anything that happens to me. There was a 5-6 month period when I first went on meds 3 years ago when I felt "normal". Before that, I didn't know that people were generally happy, or at least content, without a reason. I thought that it took a great event to be happy. During that 5-6 months, I realized that the feeling I had my entire life was not what I should be feeling. Eventually, the meds stopped working and I felt that same despair and hopelessness. I DO NOT want to feel like this, so I have pretended that things are fine, thinking that if I keep repeating positive things to myself and keep smiling, things will be fine. Well, I am here to tell you that if you have deep feelings and pretend you do not, they do not just go away!

I have always looked at tough events in my life as the "reasons" why I feel the way I feel. But, when I am completely honest with myself, I know that I have this horrible, hopeless feeling even when I am supposedly "happy" (again, with the exception of those 5-6 months). Even when I was madly in love and living with my boyfriend, I still had these deep, awful feelings of what is wrong with me and why would he want to be with me? I don't deserve this. I cant get out of my own way and what is wrong with me if this is the life I really want for myself. So, this time around, rather than pretend that everything is okay with me and fumble through my life, barely able to get out of bed in the morning on most mornings, I have decided to do something that I never dreamed in a million years I would be doing, particularly at 35 years old. It makes me extremely sad to be at this point in my life, but it also gives me some hope, so it's really a weird experience to be really sad that my life has never been what I want it to be and to feel like I have done nothing worthwhile and, in the same breath, to be really, really happy to finally be doing something good for myself. I decided to get some really, really intense therapy. I could have done the once a week thing, but that doesnt seem like enough. I could have checked myself into some "nuthouse", but I am not quite at that place. So, I compromised with myself and checked into a day program to deal with my extreme depression. I have been there 2 days and have found some hope there. I think that I may have been misdiagnosed. There is a very real possibility that I am actually bipolar 2 which means that antidepressants alone are not the best thing for me. There is also some talk about ADHD. At this point, I am open to anything, as long as it makes me feel better.

Again, I cannot believe that I am at this place. I know that if someone had told me that they were part of a "day program" for depression, etc, I would have thought they were nuts. So, rather than take care of this problem "quietly", I think it is really important to be honest and hope that it helps someone else going through the same things I have. I still have the words of a supposed "best friend from college" ringing through my head- she(meaning me) really needs to move home and get a job so she can be respectable. That comment stung me to the bone because I cannot seem to follow through with anything and it is very frustrating for me. It is not something I am proud of and judge myself a lot for lack of completion of things. But, through the few days that I have been in this program, I have learned a few things. First, that person is not my friend and destructive to me and saying bye to her was the right thing to do. Second, there is hope that I can change some of these things and that it is not a moral issue. I am a good person and care deeply about others, I just need to work on caring more about myself and really believing that I am worth caring about.

So, I am rambling about the past week and lost my train of thought. I am hoping to start running in the next few days. I really, really miss it, but emotionally, I have barely been able to get myself to the day program and decided not to stress myself in the morning by running. But, i am missing it soooooo much that even a 4-5 mile run in the morning will be nice. I am really hoping that the steps I am taking, along with some positive med changes by people who observe me on a daily basis, will help me have a great running season in 2006. My "case worker" wants me to register for a marathon because "your life will be a lot different in a few months". I am hoping he is right!

I will end here.

Posted by lilly at 12:09 PM | Comments (0)

November 19, 2005

Another Non-Running entry!

This has to be short, as I am meeting a friend to go to North Conway for the day. I don't think I am even going to run. I haven't run a step all week and am feeling antsy to run, but I don't have the energy, so I am going to just enjoy the day in a cool, little town. But, darn is it getting COLD here. There isn't any snow yet, so I won't complain.

This week has been a very, very emotional one but emotional in a good way. I will explain all the details when I have more time, but I feel like I am finally digging my way out of the darkness and finding a way to be happy in my life. The breakup was not my problem. The way I have been looking at myself and my life is my problem and I am finally getting some good help as to how to slowly change some things that I never knew I had the power to change. I will elaborate tomorrow.

I decided to take the week and do what I could because I have been busy with my "life changing" during the day and working every night until 9 or 11, depending on the day, so I have been very exhausted. I plan to start back tomorrow and ease myself back into "real" training December 1st or so. I need to enjoy running again, something that I haven't done in TOO long. I haven't enjoyed anything for years!! I do miss running this week , and I take that as a very positive sign.

Ok, i really do have to go now.

Posted by lilly at 11:03 AM | Comments (1)

Another Non-Running entry!

Ok, i really do have to go now.

Posted by lilly at 11:03 AM | Comments (0)

November 13, 2005

Still Not Feeling Great

This week was basically a wash running wise. I don't even want to recap it! it's better just left in the past. what is it about love that just hurts so much? i keep being told that time will make things better. well, i really don't feel any better than the first day this whole nightmare started. i am still holding on to the pathetic hope that my ex will wake up one day and realize how much he misses me. i know that isnt going to happen, and i think that is what makes me even sadder. this was the first time in my life i really thought he was the "one" (as queer as that sounds) for me. i feel extremely lucky to have great friends, particularly A, who has really tried to help me. he calls me from work, oftentimes, and makes sure that we get out to at least get coffee every night. so, it's great to have the support. i'm just not sure how to get myself through this. i feel this huge hole inside and just don't want to do a thing. i drag myself out of bed every day and count the minutes until the day is over. the only bright spot in this darkness is that i am starting seasonal work tomorrow at a local company- or national and local, i guess. it will be good to be busier so that i am FORCED to do something. honestly, im not sure i can even keep this job, i feel so sad.

but, this is supposed to be a running blog, so i guess i;ll end this pathetic blog here since i really have nothing to say about running except that even that looks bleak to me!

Posted by lilly at 10:16 AM | Comments (0)

November 08, 2005

Finally A Double!

Monday morning was a good morning. I drank my coffee with my new creamer- peppermint mocha, a seasonal flavor, - and got ready for a run. on my way to the trail i was running on, i saw a woman walking i know from having given her a ride to her apartment before. she has 8 children, is barely 40 and works two jobs to support them. she was walking back from school with some snow suits and boots for some of her kids. she was very grateful that the salvation army bought them for her. seeing her made me want to rush home and get all my running shoes together, put them in a bag and put them on her doorstep (not the ones i am currently running in:) ) she is a very upbeat person and very grateful for the help she receives, but it still left me a little sad to think about her struggles.

afterwards, i headed out for my run. i started on some trails, but my legs were tired and i kept tripping. rather than kill myself (ok, so i did fall once before i made this decision), i decided to run on the roads near the trail. it's a very flat road , or at least only has rolling hills, and i got a chance to check out some of the people running for office in the neighboring town since all the campaign signs are lining the streets. today is election day for city council and school board as well as a very important anti-discrimination law. the legislature passed a bill saying that discrimination based on sexual orientation is wrong, but the christian civic league got enough signatures to put it to referendum. the bill has extra special meaning to me because my dad spoke eloquently in the state house when the legislature passed the bill- he's a legislator. i heard from many people throughout the state that he was very impressive (i wasnt actually in the state house late that night, but lots of people were)

back to the run.... i ran for 90 minutes and felt ok. i wasn't feeling horribly, nothing in particular hurt and i finished the run, so i guess it was s good run:) i really like getting the bulk of my running done in the morning so i can relax the rest of the day- or at least relax mentally, not worrying about when im going to run, etc. i worry WAY too much. i met my friend, T, for a bagel at the shop he manages. ok, so i had two bagels and boy were they yummy! i had a berry bagel that i would very much recommend! i came home, napped and got up to email a bit before my second run. it gets dark so early here that i am forced to be a better time manager or i';ll be running in the dark or on the treadmill.

my second run started out terribly. i was stiff but eventually loosened up. again, i ran on some trails. i'm trying to take advantage of trail running before the winter, which is just around the corner here. i only ran for 34 minutes and that felt like an entire marathon. ok, so the run wasnt terrible, but i got that not enough food feeling that you get towards the end of a marathon. i was actually shaking when i finished and didnt have any money to get food. i promised myself that i would eat a candy bar if i could scrounge up the money in my car, but i just couldnt fiind any money. if you saw my car, you would know that finding ANYTHING is a chore. after giving up, i looked through my wallet one more time and found 3 dollars hiding in a receipt and sped off to the store to buy a powerbar, figuring it's a half step better than a candy bar. banana powerbars are soooo sweet tasting.

i came home, ate dinner- lots of ravioli and broccoli- and met my friend for coffee. i came home with intentions of going to bed early but stayed up to watch the city council meeting on tv. there was a big dispute about the hiring "process" for chief of police that i will write about another time. process was the word of the night as i started counting to see how many times each councilor said it:) what an exciting life i lead, huh? but, i got in at least 15 miles today, so that put a smile on my face when i finally slept at 11pm! im finishing my first cup of coffee and off to get another before heading out for a run. hope everyone enjoys their day!

Posted by lilly at 08:25 AM | Comments (1)

November 02, 2005

Over 70 Miles A Week!?

i am not convinced that i need tons of mileage to run somewhat fast, but there is the compulsive nature in me that thinks i should run 120 mile weeks from now until my marathon in january! right now, i have LOTS of time and could do just that, but that is subject to change as i am going for an "interview" for a part time job. im sure that i will still have plenty of time, especially compared with some of the other bloggers! but, when i look at the three marathons i have run, the best one was done on the lowest mileage. it may not be a fair thing to say because i put in lots and lots of miles the previous year and think i benefited from that strength, but for the 7-8 months before my fastest marathon, i never ran over 85-90 a week and even those weeks were few and far between. i did a lot of 80's and then down to 55-60 the next week, then back up. anyway, i am now freaking because i cannot seem to get myself out the door for some runs and ESPECIALLY second workouts. if i want to get over 70 miles a week (thus the title), i need to get out for some doubles. i just dont have the motivation. any suggestions?

my runs have been lackluster even though the weather has been terrific. the last thing you expect in maine is weather in the 60's and 70s in november. if you have lived here long enough (which means through one complete year), you do realize that the only thing predictable about the weather is it's unpredictability. i am thoroughly enjoying the warmth and especially the sun. i ran 8 miles on monday and didnt run yesterday. today i did another 8 and felt blah. i think that part of my blahs has something to do with all the diet coke and coffee i am consuming instead of water. bad stuff, i know! running will get better. i just hope it happens sometime soon!!

Posted by lilly at 02:21 PM | Comments (0)