« September 2005 | Main | November 2005 »
October 30, 2005
Not A Very Notable Week
This past week was supposed to be a rest week, so i took full advantage of that week. i don't think it was intended to be as "restful" as it ended up being, but it is what it is. i cannot change it, so i may as well look ahead!
i did some dog sitting again this week. i think it will be the last "job" i have until december. it's fun staying in someone else's home and having a dog to walk.
i will write more starting tomorrow, when my rest week is officially over!
Posted by lilly at 10:28 AM | Comments (0)
October 21, 2005
Exhausted
I am realizing that my body is exhausted from emotional, not physical, stress. i slept over ten hours last night and still feel wiped out. my mileage is not nearly high enough to be doing it to me, so i have come to the conclusion that non-stop worry about something i cannot change is the exhauster:)
my ex spent the night here last night. it was a terrible night. i started the night in a great mood and was near, or at, tears by the time i fell asleep. im not sure what the purpose of the "visit" was since he was exhausted and miserable the entire time. it was good for me to see him that way. it reminds me that it's his loss, not mine:) in his defense, he apologized for being lousy company because he didnt feel well. i think it was what i really needed to be able to focus on myself. i realized that he is very, very unhappy, and since i am not, i cannot focus on him or i;ll be as unhappy as he is. it makes me really sad for him, and for what we had, but i cannot "bring it back". it is just becoming crystal clear that this man has many more issues than he can handle. i just cannot ruin my life over them.
i have recovery runs scheduled for today. i suppose i should stuff some more food down my throat before i head out the door. i'm starving this morning for some reason. i woke up an hour after going to sleep, hungry as hell. i ate a little yogurt and that put me to sleep, but now im ravenous all over again and ive already eaten one breakfast.
Posted by lilly at 10:13 AM | Comments (0)
October 20, 2005
Proud "Workerouter"
This morning was not one of my finer mornings. it is funny how pushing through the sad times makes for better times. i had a baby workout on the schedule for today. i have been easing myself back into workouts, versus straight distance, because of the stress of the past month or so. i have had a tough time staying motivated enough to get through workouts and sat in my running clothes this morning, in tears, talking to my sister on the phone. i wanted to run, but i wasnt sure i could through the tears. SOOOOOOOOOO, i said the hell with it. i'll run and cry! so, i stumbled through 4 ugly, ugly miles and made it to a local track to do my marathon pace 400s. i am hoping (praying?) that i can run 615's or thereabouts. the schedule said 6-8 and i felt lucky to have made it to the track. i opted for 6 as my body felt weak from lack of sleep last night and crying since 6 this morning! i hit the 92-94 second range and jogged a slow, slow, slow 200 in between. they weren't all out, but they weren't as easy as they should be either. i chalked it up to the emotional mess i was and got through the workout. WOW- two workouts in a row(tues and today) without any changes. i have become famous (in my own mind - since i am not famous in anyone else's:) ) for doing the scheduled workout on another day or not doing it at all because the week has passed, and well, i'll just start "real" training another day. I figure that today was the worst workout i;ll have since i cannot be in any worse mental shape than i was this morning. i jogged 18 minutes for a warm down on some trails behind the high school/middle school. it was very peaceful and by the end of the workout, i was sooooooo happy to be there. i kept repeating to myself that i am very lucky to be able to run to begin with! i am very proud of myself for being disciplined, sucking up the bad morning and sitting here with a glow.
in regards to the marathon i am training for, i am anxious to see where i am fitness wise in january. i have to continue to feed myself the positive messages that i have hanging around my rooms. my body comes around to great fitness fast. it's my mind that is the wild card:) the cool thing about our minds is that we are in charge of it, so we can choose where it goes- in the gutter or above the clouds. it sounds corny, i know, but it never ceases to amaze me the power we have over our minds and how that translates to our bodies. if you convince your mind that you can run x pace (within reason), your body will do it. ok, enough rambling. unlike Alison, i am a rambler in person as well as writing, so it's hard for me to stop once i get on a roll!
Posted by lilly at 02:57 PM | Comments (0)
Dog Sitting
In the winter months, I tend to do a lot of dog sitting. I know that it isn't officially winter, but it's around the corner. i know that because i have started my first of many dog sitting stints at this house. i dog sit for a couple's dog when she goes to visit him in florida. he is retired. she is not. soooo, she travels to visit him about once a month for a week at a time. it's really fun staying at this house and running from here, although only a few miles from my house, is different than what i generally do. it's interesting how i rarely run the roads i am running now when i am home, but i easily could. i guess im too much of a creature of habit. being here has really been great for my running. i wake up excited to go for a run rather than dreading it. today is a short track workout at marathon pace that i'll "report" about after it's done.
i am having an ugly "ex" morning. i just really, really, really miss him. it doesnt help that we have spent many, many happy hours in this house. i know that time heals everything, but could time move a little faster? :)
Posted by lilly at 07:55 AM | Comments (0)
October 19, 2005
Caffeine Withdrawl Also
So, it has been too long since i have written and i want to update quickly before i am rushing off to help a friend with a campaign. this weekend was a mess. i spent some time with my ex and it messes with my head. i think that i can accept that we are done and just look towards my marathon and it isnt so painful. the bad thing is that i think we are "staying in touch" , whatever that means. I plan to revisit whether this is good for me or not, but for now, i guess having him in my life in some capacity is better than not. i know that sounds weak, but i am really in love with this man. time will take care of things, i think.
now, running....
sat- 13 miles- felt crappy
sun- 8 miles through muddy trails. i felt much better and actually had fun!
m- off
tues- baby tempo 4 miles warm up 2 miles @ 13;10. it felt quicker than a jog, but i wasnt even close to working hard. it felt nice, in spite of the cold and wind! 2 miles warm down on some cool trails.
wed- am i just finished a sweet 10 miler. i felt like crap for the first 4-5 and on the way back i started to feel great and cruise. i would guestimate that i was running 730s and it felt super. im psyched because the return trip was mostly uphill:)
ok, so now i am off. i;ll try to update better.
oh,t he caffeine withdrawl. i have reduced my caffeine intake and am getting horrible headaches like Alison. the sad thing is that i havent reduced it altogether and am still getting the headaches!
Posted by lilly at 11:16 AM | Comments (0)
October 14, 2005
No Running
Against my better judgement, i am not running a step today. im emotionally tired and want to do nothing, so that's what im doing:) i start dog sitting today. it has potential to be a tough 8 days. it is a house that i spent a lot of time in with my ex. the only thing that could save me is that the times we spent in the house were cold and snowy and he was usually only there at night and weekends, so i;ll have to be sure to keep busy as hell!
i ran a baby workout yesterday. just 5 x400 @ marathon pace. it was quite easy, but it was supposed to ease me into running workouts. i ended up with 6 miles or so and today will be a zero, so i;ll have a lot of making up to do this weekend! that's probably a good thing since i want to be busy during the weekend.
i went to an alanon meeting this morning. a friend suggested that i go to understand what i was dealing with in regards to my ex. it was quite interesting and sad. im not sure im ready to be so emotional all the time. i think it's normal to be sad about a breakup, but there's no sense making myself cry every day. or maybe there is. i havent quite decided!
Posted by lilly at 11:48 AM | Comments (0)
October 12, 2005
5 Cents a Mile!
i got up late this morning, lounged, while drinking coffee with yummy fat-free french vanilla creamer, watermelon and toast. My mom and I went to the pharmacy to pick up my meds and then i returned home with little motivation. I got an inspiring email and got out the door for a 5 miler. I felt awful until the last mile, and i was psyched to feel okay during any of it. i havent been feeling great on my runs, so anything is better than feeling awful the entire run:) i kept repeating 2:46:59 when I wanted to give up. It sounds like a daunting task, but i know that i have a great marathon in me and what better way to start 2006 off than an olympic trials qualifier. if not, ill run another one in april or may. i am planning on another easy 5 miler this afternoon. i just finished lunch- bagel with hummus, stoneyfield yogurt, water, apple and one can of diet vanilla coke. time for a nap. hope everyone is training well.
oh, the 5 cents a mile is because i found a quarter while plodding. gotta turn around for a quarter when you're on a recovery run:)
Posted by lilly at 01:38 PM | Comments (3)
October 11, 2005
Remember to Stay Positive:)
First, congrats to everyone who ran Tufts!
Monday i ran about 8 ugly miles. I felt awful. There is no smoothing it over. It felt like a death march the entire way, and I am not sure why. It was not my finest morning! I kept trying to tell myself that i will appreciate the good runs more because of the yucky ones. Afterwards, i waited for my cousin and her kids to come so that we could go to the hospital to visit my aunt. i spent a lot of the day there and then had dinner with some friends and people i dog sit for. they are terrific people and i was given some books to read. He is a voracious reader and a brilliant man. she is very wise as well and very sweet. Sooo, i was awake toooooo late last night, reading my new reading material. it is a short piece about depression and how it's not completely understood unless you've been there. it is a great description, one i wish i didnt understand :) darkness visible by william styron is the short book.
i ran this morning- 9 miles. 5 easy miles and then 2 @ 630 pace- 2 to warm down. 630 pace wasnt horrible, so that was nice. the past month has been so inconsistent that im never sure what to expect. i am very anxious to be running happily every day:) soon enough.... positive, positive, positive.
Posted by lilly at 10:48 AM | Comments (2)
October 09, 2005
Great Friends, 14 weeks, Alcoholism
Life is feeling much, much better. I am truly blessed to have so many great friends. Even in my worst funks, I am always aware that I am very, very blessed and lucky! A, my best friend or as his friends call me his "sexless girlfriend", has been sooooo supportive and great. We have been friends through a lot of different crap and really understand what the other is going through. No one can understand why we don't date, but we both know that our relationship is exactly the way we want it. We are like brother/sister (as corny as that sounds, it's true). I was having a HORRIBLE night on friday and called him to meet me for coffee and when he got there, i was just sitting in tears. He never missed a beat and talked me through the tears, without making me feel badly for the tears. That's how you know you have great friends. I also did a VERY, VERY stupid thing this past week. I only share this in the hopes that I can prevent someone else from being so stupid :) I, as does half the nation and probably world, have depression that is pretty non existent if i stay on my meds. Well, i got the bright idea to go off my meds to save money since i have been feeling the pinch a bit. it seems that isnt the brightest idea in the world:) i know better, so im not sure why i did it, except the money thing and thinking that i didnt need the meds anymore. Well, i told my friend A and he convinced me to go back on them. SOOOOOOO, yesterday, after two terrible, tearful, miserable days and many hopeless thoughts, i popped my pill and by late morning, i could see the trees through the forest and am already a million times better. i am not teary, am rational and hopeful :) it still amazes me how much medication makes a difference in my life, but it really does. without it, i can look at the same situation and not see a way out, whereas with meds, i can see all positives.
i have another friend who is in recovery and shed some light on my breakup. i never fully understood that i was dealing with an active alcoholic. he wasn't drinking, but he was behaving like an alcoholic and i was lucky enough to get caught up in the crossfire:) while he wasnt drinking, he was abusing prescription pain killers every chance he could, and i guess i should have been quick enough to realize that isnt a good thing for an addict! while the whole situation doesnt make a lot of sense to me, my friend G made me realize how common the situation is in AA. so, that made me feel better. in my intellectual mind, i know it's all about his huge issues, it still makes me wonder what i could have done differently. i guess that what i realized is that i should have kicked his ass about abusing the drugs and that was about all i could do- the rest is his stuff, not mine, thankfully! i have my own addiction issues, but i am thankful that they are mild, mild, mild in comparison to his. all i can do now is pray for him and take good care of myself. which leads me to the 14 weeks.....
my great friend A is now a cyclist but was once a good runner. he had several knee operations in his early 30s and cannot really run the way he once did, so he cycles instead. he's now 44 and while we have been friends for about 10 years, we knew of each other through running 20 years before. i was a kid and he had just moved here and was one of many good runners in the area. he has run two marathons- 221 and another one a little slower. it always pisses him off that the standard for the trials was under 220 then because he would have killed to run in the trials! so, while i think that i have been a runner long enough and seen enough different "programs" to be able to coach myself, i also know my tendency to self destruct by thinking that more is better, more now and i will not wait another day. i must run 17 miles today and every day between now and houston or i will run like crap. :) it is good to have another set of eyes to give me perspective. we sat at wild oats yesterday and hammered out a rough schedule of sorts to get me through the marathon. the cool thing is that it isnt radically different from what my ex had me doing, except that my friend A has me building up to more miles eventually, only because he knows that he needs to appease my thought that i need lots and lots of miles. so, it's a compromise of sorts. im starting out around 65, building every three weeks to a high of 110 and taking a very down week the fourth week of every "block". i'll work on what my hoped marathon pace for january will be. right now the task of running a marathon at 615 pace sounds so daunting, but i have to have confidence in myself and what i know i can do and i guess i need to draw on my past running experiences. im not the same runner i once was, but i think i am a much, much smarter version of myself :) seriously, though, again, as corny as this sounds, i have done a lot of personal growth work and feel like i am in a very good mental place (with the big exception of this breakup and even that is feeling ok today) to give myself a shot at this marathon thing. when i ran my qualifier before, i was a mess. well, i was a mess until about 10 weeks before the marathon and even at the marathon, i was standing on the line thinking i was fat. i actually commented to a woman that i was too fat to run well. i knew then the importance of positive thinking, but i just couldnt quite make that leap in my mind. i know that, if i am going to pull off a fast marathon in january, i need to have complete faith in myself and only look at positives. SOOOOO, no more woes, no more negative, im joe positive from now on (sorry, i couldnt help myself :) )
So, tomorrow is day one of my new schedule, so im off for a run today of about 10-11 miles, but tomorrow official training for Houston will start :)
Posted by lilly at 09:18 AM | Comments (0)
October 07, 2005
Another Tough Day
Today isn;t the best day I have ever had. I accompanied my uncle to the hospital to see his wife, my aunt. She is in the hospital because her blood pressure wasn't staying down and then they saw the blockage in her heart. Well, after we were at the hospital for a while, the results of her testing came in and she needs at least a triple bypass next week. She thought she was going to get a stint and be sent home on monday or tuesday, but I guess that won't be happening. she has to go the bypass route and is, obviously, very nervous, as is my uncle. i hope that everything turns out okay.
i decided to run home from the hospital and it was a pathetic run, but a run nonetheless. It was only about a 30 minute run and i kept stopping to cry. for some reason, i had a really tough day today. i really, really want to call my ex. instead, i called a friend and had coffee with him. the cool thing about this particular friend is that he talked me through the different circumstances of calling him. im still not sure what i am going to do, but i have stopped myself from calling to this point and am trying to take it 10 minutes at a time:)
So, that's the excitement for today. hope everyone else has a better day and that everyone racing races well.
Posted by lilly at 03:37 PM | Comments (0)
October 06, 2005
Dogs and Love
The doggie daycare thing was not to be. I went for the "interview", filled out the application and waited for the interviewer. As I was sitting in the waiting room, the smell made me sick, the cages I could see made me sad and it was wet and dirty and just not a place I wanted to work. So, I did something I have never done before. I walked out and drove off without telling anyone!!! I figured that I knew I wasn't working there, so why waste the interviewers time and my time. In retrospect, I should have told someone I was leaving, but I wasn't in the best of moods. I guess I'll search for some tutoring jobs.
I wasn't in the mood to do anything again today. There seems to be a very bad trend happening here :( I guess the time has come for some tough love towards myself! I cannot keep sitting around, feeling sorry for myself. The weird thing is that I do not feel like I am wallowing, but I feel the same numbness I have been feeling. The one thing that I need to do before I move on with another stage of my life- and this is very separate from my relationship breakup- is to run a good marathon. I want to qualify for the 2008 trials and actually "race" in the trials- is there a such thing as racing a marathon:) I did qualify for the 2000 trials, but i didnt run in them, so I really want to run in the trials and then be done with the running thing. I guess that maybe this breakup was a wake up call that I am not getting any younger and not to waste anymore time not running to my potential. Ok, so maybe i am stretching this whole, there is a reason for everything thought, and that i could have had a wake up call without being kicked in the teeth. But, seriously, maybe it's time to take advantage of the great opportunity i have and train my ass off until january and see what kind of marathon i can run. the thing that keeps ringing in my head is that qualifying for the trials without someone special to share it with seems rather empty. I have great friends and a terrific family, so maybe i need to focus on that instead of what i don't have. Love sucks:) I actually don't feel like i want to be bitter about anything that has happened, i am just a little sad still. There's a big part of me that would like to think that this nightmare will end with him coming to my house with flowers and telling me how sorry he is and that he was just scared, but life isn't a fairytale....
If i write tomorrow and i haven't run, please send me a million comments telling me to get off my butt and go for a run!!!
Posted by lilly at 06:40 PM | Comments (0)
October 05, 2005
Numb
I woke up, had some toast and coffee and went for a short run of about 30 minutes. I felt ok- nothing great, nothing terrible. I am still not feeling all that enthusiastic running, but I don't expect too much from myself for a while, although i would like to think that things will click sooner rather than later:) I am hoping to go out for another run later, but we'll see.
It's the weirdest feeling today. I am not really sad or happy. I just feel numb. I have no more tears to cry and don't feel much. I am not sure if that is a good sign or not, but it is what it is. The good thing is that I don't feel that terrible sadness that I have been feeling. So, I at least feel like I can live my life without bursting into tears whenever!! But, this numb feeling is definitely weird.
Posted by lilly at 10:16 AM | Comments (1)
October 04, 2005
Finding Courage
As the day progressed yesterday, I realized a little more how crazy I am to not just cut my ties with my ex (or whatever he was). At this point, he shouldn't be waffling on "us" and if he is, that's my answer. I love to hear, in the same paragraph, it just isnt there, if things change, you;ll be the first to know and what should we do? Talk about a mind f@*^. So, rather than ride this emotional roller coaster, I finally decided to get off and move along. It's much less painful to expect nothing than to be sitting by the phone, wondering if he's going to call or not. The only thing that makes it tough is that I heard him tell me , and many others, that i was the woman he was going to marry, for 8 months. It's hard to just change that way of thinking overnight- at least it is for me! But, I need to hear what is being said NOW and get a clue.
I drove to where he lives, we talked, I knowing that I don't want anything to do with this waffler, I want more stability in my life, and I finally had enough. I am a very strong person and can take a lot of shit thrown my way (excuse the language in this post!), but enough is enough. I stood up, put my hand up, as if to say, "i don't want to hear another word", and told him that i didn't want to ever hear from him again, whether or not his feelings "changed". I got in my car and drove home, in tears a lot of the ride, although they pretty much ended once I talked to my friend S. She has a remarkable gift for clearing my head and pointing out that he just refuses any kind of intimacy and that's that. It's quite sad, actually, because he is a terrific person, but he refuses to let anyone in. And, in my clearer moments, I know that I am not going to be the exception. I thought I was getting a "well" person, but I guess that the past really hasnt left him. He was physically and sexually abused, emotionally neglected, abandoned for months at a time at a children's home when his mom didn't feel like/ couldnt take care of him and struggled with his own chemical dependency issues. I thought that this "stuff" was baggage that he had dealt with through therapy many years ago and that he had come to terms with it, at least that is what he told me, but I guess that the past is still very present. I made the decision this summer to stick by him, support him and let him go through whatever he needed to go through. I guess I wasn't clear on the idea that he didn't want to go through it with me! Now that I am clear on that, it's time to take a look at what I want. I thought I wanted him, but I am not even sure about that now. I want what I thought we had, but I am starting to think I want it with someone else! Before him, I always thought I would be alone forever and now Im not so sure I want that. I think that I do want someone to grow old with and not to be alone when im 100 (wishful thinking). So, i think that realization makes the breakup a little harder because it means starting over and going into unchartered territory with someone else who may decide that i am not good enough halfway through the process. But, i am getting way ahead of myself.....
So, I woke up this morning, after 12 hours of sleep!, feeling a whole lot more peaceful than I have in a while. No more wondering. I called two places about menial jobs. I was living in a different area and need to find something to pass the time here. Im hopeful about one of them. It's a dog walking job for a dog sitting place. I do lots of dog sitting myself, so it would be an extension of what i am already doing. plus, i have really come to appreciate animals a lot more, their unconditional acceptance.
Running- oh, yes, I forgot that was what this blog is SUPPOSED to be about and not my personal therapy blog.... I am feeling blah again today. I woke up with a sore throat and think that may be why i have been sleeping so much. im struggling to get out the door and go for a run, but I guess that is to be expected. running is such a great way to relieve stress that i need to make myself get out there. sometimes, i start out pretending to go for a walk and then i start my run. so, i think that is what i am going to do today. thanks so much to the people who have commented. right now, i totally appreciate the support :)
Posted by lilly at 10:36 AM | Comments (1)
October 03, 2005
Lazy Day
Whether or not I should, I am going to take today as a day to do nothing. I am not feeling great and I just want a day away from training. So, I decided to take a lazy day.
There is nothing particularly interesting to write about today, so I will leave it that it';s a zero running day and that's that. :)
Posted by lilly at 11:28 AM | Comments (3)
October 02, 2005
Training Run
Yesterday afternoon, I did get in that 30 minute run but felt awful. I am not sure what it was, but I chalk it up to the past 3 weeks and all the time I have wasted crying!!! Crying takes a lot out of me and I am thinking about logging it in my log book from now on :) There were two campaign events that I attended after my run. One was a small rally for a guy running for city council, combined with the big campaign here in Maine this fall- Maine Won't Discriminate. The campaign is one that would uphold the law that the legislature passed saying that you cannot discrimate based on sexual preference(i think there is also protection based on age, sex, etc) The Christian Rights group here in Maine is quite vicious and got enough signatures to put this out to referendum, hoping to over turn what the legislatures voted into law. I am going to brag a bit here. My dad is a legislator and gave quite a moving speech in favor of passing the law that says discrimination should not be allowed the night that the legislature voted in favor of the law. I heard from many people who were there that he was quite impressive. :) Ok, so i am rambling and forgot my train of thought.... oh, campaign stuff. After the rally, I put up some signs with one of my best friends for another person running for city council in another nearby city.
I got up early, early, early for me today- 6:15- so that i could jog in the half marathon here in town. I was unsure how i would feel and decided to wait until the first mile before deciding whether this would be a race or a training run, and it was extremely clear that this was to be a training run before the mile hit. I ran like 1:40 or something (I have never run over a 3 hour marathon to put this time in perspective) and was happy just to participate. My back problems seem to have surfaced a bit. I havent run longish since my breakup and I realize that I need to do some lifting/core work that i have neglected in my haze. So, I was done with my run today early and went back to bed when i got home. Hope that everyone had great races and training this weekend!
Posted by lilly at 01:10 PM | Comments (1)
October 01, 2005
Candy Corn
I must admit that I can no longer pretend that I don't love candy corn. I have tried to avoid the stuff, but then i eat an entire bag. So, I am eating a little each day and sometimes it is the best thing that happens that day:) I got up this morning, had some cereal and yummy coffee. I am a coffee snob and refuse to drink coffee that I do not like. It has to be yummy flavored coffee. Right now, I have a bag of Gloria Jean's mudslide coffee. It's delicious:)
I went for a short run on my favorite trails. They run along a river, or at least part of them do, and the rest is just pretty and peaceful. 45 minutes went by quickly and I felt okay- nothing great, nothing terrible. It just felt nice to be outside, in the woods and in the autumn weather. I bumped into a friend of mine this afternoon and we hung out and enjoyed some of the afternoon. Now, I am off to nap before a short second run of 30 minutes. I have plans later but wanted to keep blogging before I get out of the routine.
Posted by lilly at 01:47 PM | Comments (0)