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September 30, 2005
Feeling Stronger.....
Today was a better day in nearly every way. I made the connection between eating enough and running strong. I know. You would think that at this point in my life I would have this figured out. But, some lessons are tougher to remember :) I made sure that yesterday was an "eating day", meaning that I ate plenty of food!!!! It's tough to do when I am not jumping up and down happy. I am sad about the whole relationship thing, but I keep telling myself that there is no way I am going to throw away training time (I feel so self absorbed when I look up and see all the "I's").
So, after a decent breakfast, I headed out for a run. 62 minutes- 14 to some trails and back and forth on this cool trail. It's a good one because I cannot get cranking too hard, but it's also not super rooty either. Then, I ran the 14 minutes home. I am one of those weirdos who actually enjoys running the roads more than trails, but I am trying to mix it up since I am not feeling great. Sometimes a change of scenery helps the psyche:)
I came home, ate a big lunch, turkey/cheese/tomato sandwich, banana and a little chocolate and napped for a bit. I went to my friend's XC meet but left early because it was COLD. The weather is really shifting here in Maine. Or at least it has the past few days. BRRRR..... I got very sad about the relationship thing and teary and decided to go for a run. Like an idiot, I called my ex (or whatever he is) and he came down and took me to dinner. Before that, I ran another run- 52 minutes with 20 minutes on some grassy trails at the audubon and then ran the roads over to a cool island. It's only 1.4 miles or so around, but it's totally dirt and it's beautiful. It overlooks the ocean and is just peaceful and beautiful. Again, I felt really strong, which was a pleasant surprise. I figure that, if I can do nothing else well, maybe I can get this running thing back:)
I had to hit Starbucks for a vanilla latte. It's becoming too much of a habit, but I am allowing it because I am trying to eat enough and with those sweet drinks, how can you now have enough calories in a day!? My ex met me there and we went to a funky place downtown. I gorged myself with a yummy burrito and lots of water and a bite or two of chocolate cake. Normally, when I am training "seriously", I do not let myself eat sugary crap because I think my body reacts poorly to sugar. But, I am trying really hard to overcome some of my food hangups and so I am "allowing" myself to train hard AND eat sweets in moderation. I think it may help with the inevitable food binges that I get when I am training many miles and being too "good". Dinner was fun but a little sad to me. I was wondering where things went wrong and wishing that things were the way they were. A guy I had met over a year ago came in and we chatted, so it was nice to see him. Sooooo, now I sit, in desperate need of a shower and almost too tired to bother. But, I know that the pearberry bath wash that I have will make me feel much better. Thus, I am finished writing before I lose all motivation and go directly to bed.
Hope everyone has a great weekend.
Posted by lilly at 08:07 PM | Comments (0)
September 29, 2005
Weak On Runs
I am not wondering why I feel like crap when I am running. I need to get off the roller coaster and start focusing on taking care of myself. I guess I have never really thought about whether I was good at taking care of myself or not. I am starting to think I am not! But, I am trying to do the right things- eat well and enough, drink water and less diet soda/coffee, sleep well, etc. So, i struggled through another 7-8 mile run this morning. I thought I was feeling so much better about everything last night and went running with a smile on my face this morning, only to feel the blues 25 minutes into my run :( I just felt really weak- to the point that i had to stop at times to get some strength back. It's weird and I know it will pass, but it really pisses me off to not be able to run well right now.
I guess that, in my heart, I know that things are over, but I cannot seem to totally move forward. Part is because I keep thinking about how great things were before the sickness started this summer and part is because I don't think he is willing to let me believe it is over. Isn't acceptance one of the steps I need to go through? :)
After my run, I visited with a friend and her baby. I helped her take care of him last summer when she was having post partum blues, and I havent been so good about staying in touch. It has been about 9 months since I have seen them! She looks super and the baby is adorable. It's truly amazing how much a child changes. He is walking and on the edge of talking and just sweet. It was great to see a baby because kids are just so positive and open to everything. It was also great to see my friend and know that she is doing so well.
I am hoping that the job I started when I first left my boyfriend's house will start again. My friend E's mom is a lawyer and is handling the estate of one of the messiest people ever. He died and she needs to sell the house, etc. But, before she can sell the house, the house needs to be clean. E told me that she was throwing out junk at this house and that I could help. I was so excited because I was/am not feeling great about this relationship thing and it is nice to have a crappy job to go to every day and be with my friend. The money was super as well. After a little more than a week of cleaning, the step son contested the will and put everything on hold. So, no more cleaning. And, when I say cleaning, I really need to qualify what I mean. I am not a neat person. My car is always trashed, any room I spend more than 5 minutes in is usually filled with my "stuff" and it's just a full time job cleaning up after myself. When I saw this guy's garage (it's two level), I almost puked on sight. He was a vacuum cleaner repair person amd sewing machine repair person as well. We were bummed that we didn't count the number of junk heaps that we tossed because it would be anywhere from 100-200, leaning towards 200. We cleaned out both stories of the garage and filled three dumpsters- and i don't mean the single dumpsters. I mean the ones that are real tall and more like three dumpsters across. Let's just say it was one nasty place. The land is beautiful and the apple tree next to the house is great, but otherwise, the place is junk! So, I am hoping that the will is no longer contested and E and i can get back to work. We giggled so much that it didnt seem nearly as bad as it was.
Ok, enough ranting. Emotional sadness and stress is exhausting!!!! I need a nap.
Posted by lilly at 02:12 PM | Comments (0)
September 28, 2005
Moving Forward?
Ok, so today is a much better day than yesterday, but that isn't saying a whole lot!! D and I have mutual friends who called me last night to see what was up between us. Their reaction told me that they had no idea about our split yesterday morning. It was really nice to talk with them. Sadly, while I have no choice but to continue on with my life, there is a large part of my heart that hopes that, with rest and some time without me in his life, D will realize how much he wants me in his life. It has been a very complicated few months and I cannot help believe that between the chronic pain and the illness, he may not be the most rational person. He is all over the place with everything and I just cannot take the instability. His comment to me was that he was sad things were not working out, for now, and that it just didnt feel right that it was over. Ok, so I am wondering if there is any way Allison can ban any comments regarding to my relationship life? It would save a lot of boring reading :) But, seriously, my heart is very sad and will be for a long, long time.
On a positive note, my friends sent me roses for my birthday, so that was a very nice way to start my day. I slogged through a 7-8 miler and felt awful. I am not surprised because I haven't been drinking enough (any?) water or eating enough good foods. So, while I was suffering through my run, I promised myself to take care of myself. I want to run a good marathon and that won't happen if I am a physical wreck. Plus, what's the point? Who am I really hurting by not eating and wallowing? Sooooooooooo, I have made a pact with myself to run the Houston Marathon on January 15th. Since my ex (it seems weird to refer to him as my ex) was coaching me, I will be sitting down and writing out my "schedule" from now until january 15th :) I finished a turkey/cheese/tomato sandwich and an apple and banana and of course some candy corn, or i guess this stuff is indian corn, but the same idea.
Oh, i am also thinking about returning to school for a masters in counseling so i can help young girls with eating issues. I am not sure if I am ready to take the leap back into school, but it would help to have something to look forward to after the marathon, so I need to look into it this week. I am trying to keep myself busy but also letting myself feel sad when I need to as well.
Hope everyone's training is going great!
Posted by lilly at 03:13 PM | Comments (1)
September 27, 2005
Worst Birthday EVER!
So, i got in two runs today and that was as good as it's going to get. i started the day out by going to breakfast with my "boyfriend" (whatever we are) and it was just the saddest morning. i;ll save the long drama and cut to the chase. we split up and when i got home, i went for a pathetic 9 miler. i came home, ate a bagel, went to my room and just stared at the ceiling for a few hours. im so sad. i dragged myself out for a slow 4 miler and am just feeling worse and worse. so, happy 35th to me!
Posted by lilly at 06:15 PM | Comments (0)
September 26, 2005
Delinquent Again!
It seems like I was living a different life the last time I blogged!!! My running is going okay- nothing too great, nothing too terrible either. i cant seem to get myself together to actually race. i always think i am too fat to race well and so i don't race and then i am pissed at myself. my training has been up and down, particularly the past few weeks. my boyfriend and i (the one who asked me to marry him every day for 7 months- hard to believe now!) are split. i decided to leave and let him decide whether he wants me in his life or not. he was ill this summer, thought it was panic attacks until a month ago when he was diagnosed with pneumonia. he was on an emotional roller coaster this summer and i live him very much and decided to support him. sooooo, i guess i was on the ride as well! he was distant for almost 2 months before i decided enough is enough and to take care of myself. so, we are trying to work things out from a distance, but i cannot live like this forever. november first, im moving on with or without him:)
enough about that, but it seems to be almost the only thing i think about on too many days:( i ran 4 miles easily this morning and am too lazy to get myself out the door this afternoon for a second run. im blaming it on my parents. they are taking me out for my birthday tonight instead of on my actual birthday (tomorrow). i can hardly believe that i am turning 35!!! my "window" to run fast is closing, so i am hoping that my 35th year brings consistency and fast running that i have only been dreaming of. i guess that means less sitting on my butt, feeling sorry for myself and more running:)
so, that's the excitement from here. i have been reading everyone's blogs and they inspire me to continue to dream of running fast.
Posted by lilly at 06:21 PM | Comments (0)