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September 19, 2013

why can't I dream

So I chewed on my grievances a little while, and the funk has started to clear, as funks always do. I didn't quit orchestra and I didn't quit lessons, and I did practice today. I'm pretty sure the conductor was just plain overjoyed to have a real violist join up and wasn't trying to slight me, and anyway it's not his fault that I'm really a miserable, unconfident, awkward being.

Still, I kept chewing. Am I really that bad? There's a girl in orchestra who doesn't know how to play her instrument, and she's a music major. She's expecting to finish her 2 years at community college and then go on to a 4-year school. It is the job of her teachers and advisors to prepare her to get into that 4-year school, and to see that she plays in juries and ensembles, and prepares for auditions and whatever else there is. There are camps and stuff she can go to in the summer if she wants to do more intensive work.As I have (bitterly) pointed out many times, these things are not available to me. Why - because I'm bad? Because I don't know how to play my instrument? No. Because I'm old. (Or maybe I am a bad musician, but I can say with certainty that I play better than this girl). At orchestra I hear the kids talking about what they're doing, and the conductor reminiscing fondly about his days as a student. The conductor talks about the "serious" kids who practice "two hours a day" and I think "what am I, chopped liver?" I guess I don't count, I am invisible, because I'm old.

If that's the reason, that's no reason. I hate it. It's not fair. Why can't I have the same dreams as other musicians at my level, whatever level that may be?

Posted by joe positive at September 19, 2013 9:44 PM

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