January 1, 2010
bad deja vu
I got my first paycheck yesterday. It was more money than I made in any given 3-month period during the past 2 years.
There are 7 people in my group at work, and this week 3 or 4 of them were out on vacation, and 2 work in an office at the other end of the country, so I was holding down the fort. This was like leaving a 14-year-old in charge of an office building. All week long, and especially toward the end of the week, I was bombarded with requests like
where is so-and-so? Why doesn't he answer his phone? Should I email him? (I don't know, I don't know, and maybe)
a long time ago so-and-so who is on vacation said he'd do this one thing, will you do it now? (if you can't tell me what he promised to do, and how, then sorry, no)
why didn't my stored procedure compile? (because you are a bad person)
from a complete stranger cruising by my desk: please tell me, in English, what the error message printed on this piece of paper means (well lessee, it says "script completed with errors," so I guess the script completed with errors)
what kind of apple is this chair? (not really, but illustrative of the kind of mind-boggling questions developers ask about SQL Server all the damn time, over and over, for years)
help, this one production server seems to be having a big problem! (server houses a database for a production application I know nothing about; appears to be hung; I'm not sure of the technical and bureaucratic hoops I need to jump through in order to stop and restart it; meanwhile production is halted and this is costing the company zillions of $$$; FML)
Add to this the fact that I don't remember how to do lots of things, or I don't know how we do it now as opposed to 2 years ago, and I have to ask whoever's around the same kinds of stupid questions people ask me. And since I am supposedly a senior-level person, I feel like a fucking impostor, and I wonder if my less-senior co-workers resent that they have to hold my hand all the time.
With dismay, I realize it's already starting to get to me, just like it did when I used to work there. This week alone, I bailed on 2 lunches and a New Years Eve party because I just didn't want to be around people. I was late to band practice because I stayed late one weeknight to work on some silly request. I haven't practiced viola or bass nearly enough because I just don't feel like doing anything when I get home. I have been running, but I feel completely adrift, with no goals. And this is bad.
But I want the security that comes with that paycheck, so I have to figure out a way to make it work. I don't want it to be like last time, where I just took it and took it until I decided not to take it anymore. So I have to make it different this time, somehow.
Posted by joe positive at January 1, 2010 6:24 AM
TrackBack URL for this entry:
I love your blog. I love that it's sardonic and heartfelt. I look forward to the updates,
and not just because you're a speedy little grump... something I wish I could eventually become (but never will).
I sympathize with your apprehensiveness over the job, but I'm afraid I have no good advise.
However, I do have a query with a cartesian product that perhaps you could help me with :-)
Posted by: Trevor at January 1, 2010 12:32 PM
Oy vey, I can relate, particularly to the wanting to avoid people bit. I wouldn't sweat the bit about people resenting you because you need some help, odds are they are just relieved to have somebody to share the load (I would be).
The money/paycheck is nice to be sure, but there really should be some something more to life than choosing between being poor and miserable and having money and being miserable.
Posted by: SDC at January 1, 2010 11:51 PM