July 17, 2008
today the clock stopped
Today for the second time we observe the sad anniversary - the day our best friend killed himself, not in the manner of a rockstar but in that of a desperate human being. Like some religious observances this thing lasts two days: the 17th, which is the day he ended his heartache, and the 18th, which is the day we found out and our heartaches began. Today we resolved not to do anything special. No memorial show, no trip to the grave, no luv-ya comment on the myspace page, no black armband. No cocktail. No cigarettes, even. Today I worked a long day and was booked solid, and everybody got great massages because I was not thinking of myself or how I was doing or whether I was effective or too this or not enough that. Instead I was a million miles away, or 35 miles away, on the bridge yelling "look at me!" or in the car driving somewhere to go have a drink or dinner or see a band play, or home cooking dinner for the three of us so we could eat during The Sopranos. I was hardly in the room at all, but I looked at the clock every so often because I was, after all, booked solid and the people needed their massages. Although I was far from bored, time really seemed to drag. One time I saw the second hand actually move backward and I thought I'd lost my mind completely, but then I realized the battery was dying and that's how I managed to lose a half-hour over the course of the morning. I couldn't find another battery so I stole a clock from another room and put the dying clock out to die. Today it rained for like the 5th day in a row. This is very rare for Florida. If it had been raining two years ago, he might not have driven out there. He might have looked at me, or my husband, or anyone else who loved him, instead of looking into the sun.
Posted by joe positive at July 17, 2008 7:17 PM
TrackBack URL for this entry: