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October 28, 2006
head case
I bailed on another race this morning, 2nd in 2 weeks. It goes like this: I see the race - almost always a local 5k - is coming up on some future date; I decide to run it but do not register in advance; I rearrange the training schedule to include the race as a 2nd or 3rd or 4th workout that week. The week of the race, I find myself looking forward to it, and I think about the race in a fairly happy and anticipatory way during training runs and workouts. And then right after Friday's training run I start to get a little cranky. And then I don't sleep too well, and the alarm goes off and I bitch and moan about not getting even one dang day to sleep in all week blah blah blah and then I have a cup of coffee, check email, check the weather, and
stay
right
where
I am, and
make no move toward the car. Because it's too hot, or too humid, or windy, or I know the race is really poorly organized and the start is awful, and there'll be all these people milling around... But mainly I bail because I hate racing. No, because I'm afraid of racing - afraid of pain, and afraid I won't do as well as I ought to, and afraid of failing (and being in pain) in public. That's really why.
This really sucks. I wish I knew a way around it. Even googling "runner afraid of racing" was no help. I love running, and I like running fast when I don't have to, but I really hate having to run fast. This does not bode well.
Posted by joe positive at October 28, 2006 3:54 PM
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Comments
Now this is something.... your passion for running has a truly undesirable element: other people. People, Oh God. My mom has the exact same complaints in her running efforts. As gregarious as I apparently am, I am entirely separate and I completely "get" your disgust. It fills me with a bucket full of guilt, as I am party to perhaps your cancelling yet another run on Sunday morning after our CTFO performance (or the date is wrong on this entry, and you actually cancelled the Oct 29 run you had planned, or I'm all confused and downright people-ish). Not only that, but you attended the CTFO, surrounded by People (although not too many). Not only that, but your prior entry below explains you dread hearing your late friend's music and I "went there" as well, ever so humbly. Oh God. People. I am so glad to have seen you again. It is all the more remarkable that you stayed so that I could say hi to you. Thanks for being there and for staying and for your kind words. And just remember to realize that you WANT to run fast even when they tell you you HAVE to. Run!!!! --- gojenny
Posted by: gojenny at November 1, 2006 10:58 PM
You could just drink your coffee, put on your iPod and go run by yourself. What with it being your weekend and all . . .
Posted by: Rachel* at November 2, 2006 4:36 PM
Well, Rachel*, I suppose I could do just that. Ceptin' I don't own an iPod and would never run with one even if I did. But I did end up runnin' by myself, thanks.
Posted by: joe positive at November 2, 2006 8:05 PM
I sat down with MY Sunday coffee while surfing my bookmarked running sites and read your post while I was waffling in the very same way about running a little 5K in the next town. I am not in great shape to say the least and, while I love training, I hate racing. So often I will skip a race then see that IF I was there, I could have done well, etc. Well, I went to the race, ran my worst 5K time ever, and came in 2nd. I won a $25 gift card to a restaurant chain in the raffle and a pair of Nike 360s which I found out are $160 shoes when I returned them for credit to the store! The real purpose of my story is to share that when I did just get out there...even though I ran a time that doesn't make me feel so great...I still didn't shame myself and, most importantly, I got in a great workout while seeing a bunch of friends. I know I sound like the Runner's World penquin at this point...but once you start swallowing that fear...and once you have a slow race...it gets easier to use races for training and to not always have your expectations so high. The PRs can still happen.
Posted by: Jennifer at November 6, 2006 9:02 AM