October 19, 2006
90 days' probation
It's been about 3 months since my friend committed suicide. I've noticed some people dealing with it their own way and beginning to heal up, and I'm happy for them. I'm not sure my way - utter avoidance - is working so well. On the other hand, it works so well. I have saved all the emails but won't look at them. I can look at old pictures of us (we used to be in a band) but not linger too long. I dread the night I go to a bar or a party and someone starts playing any of his music, because I just don't know what I'll do, and it may not be good to do in public. Otherwise, things are just fine. My husband and I talked about this the other night and I asked him are we (unwisely) sweeping it under the rug or just dealing in our way, which is to say not dealing with it except in dreams and random thoughts and extremely infrequent conversations. He couldn't say. I can't either. But that's my MO and for now I'm sticking with it.
Posted by joe positive at October 19, 2006 4:22 PM
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"Not dealing" is a way of dealing. It's how I handle grief-laden things too. If you continue along that path, then at some point, even if you do hear or see things that remind you when you are out and about, time will have made you strong enough to handle them.
Posted by: Jennifer at October 20, 2006 11:02 AM
When I think of death one image that does come up for a "dealing" outlook, is Rutger Hauer's last words as replicant Roy Batty to Deckard (Harrison Ford) after saving his life and as he himself is expiring.
Remembering the words, without visualizing the whole scene, with the teary rain, the bat of an eyelid to remind us of human fragility, doesn't quite deal with anything, but it is the sort of scene that would be worth to see time and time again, to remember how to look at the best of the worse... Only a movie, though... And there are lots of others.
"I've seen things you people wouldn't believe. Attack ships on fire off the shoulder of Orion. I watched c-beams ... glitter in the dark near Tannhauser Gate. All those ... moments will be lost ... in time, like tears ... in rain. Time ... to die."
Take care, corrado
Posted by: corrado giambalvo at October 22, 2006 5:46 PM