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July 30, 2005

And you may say to yourself: my God! what have I done?

[I had to edit the post title. I just heard the song and realized I had the words wrong. I had a feeling I had.]

I really wish I had continued to blog in more detail - without posting - about my running over the past few months. There really wasn't much to tell about the physical aspect of things - I have really not had any physical symptoms - I've been very lucky, but psychologically there was a lot to consider.

The timing of this little project was intentional. For a long time - maybe two years - we have been thinking we needed to get over this inertia of living our happy little lives and make the jump if we were going to do it. I had seen too many of my friends and acquaintances have a hard time getting things to work once they decided they did want to have kids. And I knew I wasn't getting any younger.

To be honest, running was the biggest hurdle for me. I had only discovered running at 27 and hit my training stride at 31. I loved the planning, I loved the training, I loved tracking the results, and I loved seeing what I had in me. In retrospect, maybe I should have taken a break in 2003 after the 3:10, but the crappy conditions on that day and the "Eureka" feeling I had over finding a training plan I had complete faith in (and, admittedly, the temptation to tweak it a little) all resulted in the "just one more last good marathon" mentality. Greedy greedy.

Sometime in the convention center the morning of the 3:10, as I was standing there basking in the glory of my big fat pr (not realizing that my whole face was covered in red Powerade), I must have said something obnoxious to our friend Pierre, who responded (and who has felt terrible ever since for saying it) "So how does it feel to have your pr's behind you?" It was funny then. It's not nearly as funny in light of what happened in my quest for that one last good marathon over the past two years: a stress fracture that caused me to miss the perfect conditions at Motorola the following year but allowed me to train my ass off for an 86-degree Boston slog-fest. And then the stellar training this past year that was derailed back in January and resulted in my first-ever dnf in February.

Before Boston in '04 I'd told myself that that race would be the last before kids (although I didn't really phrase it that way to others) UNLESS I somehow got "robbed" at Boston. And I did. So in training for Freescale last year I decided to really give it everything and be happy no matter what the outcome was. No "robbed" this time.

True to my word to myself and Andy we got started right after the marathon. I actually conned myself into it by framing it in terms of "well lets see if we're going to have any problems with this." We didn't: it took two and a half months. So it was confirmed in mid-May, but I didn't really have time to sit around and think about it since things were so stressful and awful at work. I wonder if I would have had more physical issues if I had been less stressed. I just didn't really have time to think about it!

So here we are. I would have liked to have been more consistent with my running before this happened, but with the injury and then with work being awful I had to take things slow. But now I'm at a place I'm comfortable with for now: three short runs during the week with strides at the end of two of them (which I was doing regularly before) and ten on the weekend, lagging behind everyone on the hills and trying to stay comfortable. Admittedly, I still pick up at the end of the long runs. Physically it doesn't feel like I'm pushing beyond comfort, but I'm definitely paying more attention to how I feel, not wanting to go outside of any comfort bounds. Being under the watchful eye of friends who were more conservative with their running definitely adds a certain element of stress, but I'm trying to focus more on how *I* feel. I don't want to give up something I love because I'm afraid of what my friends will think. (You'd think I'd have gained a certain level of credibility with them given how conservative I've been in the past in dealing with and coming back from injury over the years, but I have ventured into a territory about which people have strongly-held opinions.)

I see a new doctor on Monday. I wasn't unhappy with the old one, I just wanted a doc and a hospital that were closer to home. My approach about running with the old one was to set the stage - "this is what I have done in the past and this is what I'm doing now" and then ask her if I needed to change anything. She just told me to make sure I didn't do anything new and to be careful with getting too hot and too worn out. I knew if I had asked her the broad "what about exercise?" question without any context she more than likely would have given me a more conservative answer.

The ten this morning went well again. I am definitely heavier now than I've ever been in my life, but really the only time I notice it when I run is when I'm going down hill! I've never been very graceful with that, and now the awkwardness is exaggerated!

I got *completely* in Barton Springs this morning, too. Head and everything. Brrrrr. So even if my running isn't really progressing at least I'm seeing progress in *some* area of my life! Next week maybe it won't take me 15 minutes and 5 stages to get all the way in.

Posted by jenandmats at 4:20 PM | Comments (9)

July 28, 2005

An even madder mission

Every year I look forward to the weeks following Christmas that are the highlight of our running year around here: Houston half/full marathon in mid-January, my sister- and brother- in law's 25K in Bulverde, the 3M half marathon at the beginning of February**, then taper taper taper to Motorola/Freescale in mid-February.

I have only missed Houston once in the eight years I've been running (college roommate's wedding.) I have not missed 3M once in those eight years. This year I'll be missing both. Sometime between those two races we'll have a new little friend moving into our house. My favorite time of year will have an additional reason for being my favorite time of year.

No wonder my pants are all tight!

And man did I think Becky's last paragraph on Tuesday was funny.

** 3M has moved its race date and the main downhill section of the course in the last two years, both of which I've complained loudly about. Still, it hasn't managed to spoil my party too much.

Posted by jenandmats at 10:11 PM | Comments (8)

July 23, 2005

I have been paying attention, really

[I wrote this post on Saturday and am editing it first thing Sunday morning after reading *another* article in today's Times about blogging about work which has made me even more paranoid. So I'm removing a little bit of sarcasm and frustration about finishing our first special session and starting a second one the following day. It's all in the papers and is by no means a secret, but I guess I'd rather be safe than sorry!]

So that nice leisurely life is still out there waiting for me. Even though I'm not directly involved in the main issues of the session, we have to be available for the members and for our coworkers. So I have plenty of time to blog read, but because I avoid posting at work I have to settle for just talking to my screen when I have a comment.

I have been very consistent with my running. It's actually been really easy to be consistent - I'm still not running very much. 4 miles 3 times a week with a "long" run on Saturday. We ran just shy of 10 this morning, and I think I'll stay there for a while. It wasn't bad overall, even though the heat and humidity were both pretty grody. We started and finished at Barton Springs again and I got in ALL the WAY up to my bellybutton. I'm so brave (it's sooo cold!) It made a huge difference in how I felt afterward. Usually by the time I get home, even after we have a long breakfast, I just feel totally worn out and gross and make a beeline for the shower. Today I actually felt refreshed.

Muriel's Wedding is on t.v. It's ten times funnier than when I saw it the first time. I don't know why. In part it's because Rachel Griffiths and Toni Collette are so much more famous. Seeing Rachel Griffiths in a skin-tight white satin getup singing ABBA's "Waterloo" is particularly funny after watching her as depressing Brenda all these years. [Edited on Sunday to add that Nate deserves so much better. I think. We don't have HBO so I haven't really watched many episodes outside the first and second seasons.]

Posted by jenandmats at 2:45 PM

July 20, 2005

Why do I run?

I distinctly remember sitting in my 4th grade homeroom classroom with a large piece of drawing paper in front of me and the instruction to just draw whatever I wanted. I remember being excited about the assignment, but I also very distinctly remember looking over at my neighbor's paper - in my memory she's a friend, but I can't remember which one - and being completely impressed with what she'd drawn and copying it. I don't know if I'd actually started something else or if I sat there for a while with the blank sheet waiting for inspiration that never came. The friend was not very happy with me (didn't she know that imitation is the sincerest form of flattery?)

I'm a terribly uncreative person. I'm a sincere appreciator of creativity, but just don't have "it" myself. And although there may be a touch of laziness at the root of the problem I'm pretty sure it's more that it's just not in my nature. The idea of creating something greatly appeals to me, but even in its simplest form - "draw whatever you want" I'm at a loss.

I see this lack of creativity as a flaw, but I'm not sure there's anything I can do in the realm of self-improvement to fix it (is there?) It's similar to my recent frustration with my scattered-ness. I get so frustrated with it but also wonder if it's something I can change (and if it's not, it's better to just accept it and live with it than to fight it and beat myself up over it.) And, like most people when faced with their shortcomings, I try to remember that each of us has strengths, and mine happen to lie more in the "analysis of other peoples' work" realm. What I do for a living allows me to use these strengths: the ideas for the bills aren't mine, but I can lay the ideas out clearly and in an organized way and can (hopefully) help the idea-generators identify holes and shortcomings of their ideas or the manner in which they're presented.

I've been contemplating the creativity issue lately in terms of the "why do I run?" question. I definitely don't do it out of exercise addiction, although I do worry how big my butt would get if I didn't do it. I do enjoy the camaraderie, but I've put in many, many miles on my own over the years. Although I'm definitely competitive I've had too many disappointments over the years and been up and down in the pecking order too many times to really consider that a driving force. And although I'll hit my stride every now and then on a run and really enjoy the post-workout, stare-off-into-space buzz, I don't experience a "runner's high" often enough for that to be a driving factor. In fact, a much greater percentage of my runs are accompanied by some specific physical discomfort: gasping from heat and humidity, having g.i. issues, suffering from tight hamstrings or whatever the nagging pain du jour is. When Wendy and I trained for Boston in '04, nearly every one of our twice-weekly semi-long runs involved a long stretch into a headwind.

So why do I love running? Why do I consider it part of who I am? What is it that I love about it? I think I love it because it allows me to work hard with a purpose and a plan. And I can do this by employing my strengths - not the analytical strengths, but the endurance and commitment strenghts - without having to fight to be creative. It's so straightforward. And progress and success are so easily measured.

I love to run because it fits well with my personality.

Posted by jenandmats at 10:06 PM

July 12, 2005

One year ago this week ...

I started easing my mileage up from my regular running after taking a week off. It was the kickoff of my own version of a Summer of Malmo. And I told myself when I started it that I'd do it and I'd enjoy it whatever the outcome in February (which is a good thing 'cuz the outcome in February weren't so purty.)

I think I'll always look back on last summer and fall as a really good time, when I was braving the summer and indian summer heat, subjecting myself to a certain amount of ridicule from my more "normal" running friends, and giving just about everything I had to see what I was made of.

I hope I have another one in me for some other summer. And I hope I carry some of that summer in my legs with me forever so I can put it to good use some day.

Posted by jenandmats at 9:30 PM | Comments (3)

July 10, 2005

Oh I remember this ...

My long run has gone up to 8 miles! Yesterday we did one of my favorite routes in town - it starts out on the regular route so you can head out with everyone, but then it turns and goes through an older fancy neighborhood with a canopy of trees and then finishes on a nice long downhill and runs through a little-used section of trail with a cute little bridge covered in Spanish poetry/graffiti. The route is much less fun during rush hour since it crosses some major streets - Austin is *not* pedestrian friendly in most parts. One of the streets you have to cross has a crosswalk with a little yellow sign pointing to it, but you'd have to have a screw loose to rely on the protection of that crosswalk. Plus, although the last little section on the trail is totally cute on a Saturday morning, when I've run on it at dusk by myself I've felt really vulnerable. So although it's my favorite it's not a real staple. It's more of a treat.

Calling yesterday's run a treat would a bit of a stretch, however. I guess because I haven't been running that much and because I've been somewhat lucky, I've been spared a lot of the 85-degree, 100% humidity runs. EW. My feelings when we finished yesterday were a cross between "Eight miles. Sweet!" and "Gross. Somebody hose me off. Why do I *do* this every year?"

Posted by jenandmats at 12:16 PM | Comments (2)

July 6, 2005

Big Sky Wedding Part Deux

Our room at the Holiday Inn in West Yellowstone on Thursday night was a honeymoon suite I think. We had a big fat jacuzzi tub right in the middle of the room. Sweet. Yes we used it even though it was late and we were exhausted (no giggling.)

Andy made me get up at 5:15 on Friday morning; he thought we'd stand a better chance at catching a bear early in the morning. I didn't have any coffee before we left, so most of the morning before I got coffee is little snapshots between snoozes (but man they're great snapshots!) No bears. But we did see an osprey and his/her baby at the Grand Canyon of the Yellowstone, and bison, and elk and more chipmunks and rabbits. And a few bald eagles - how appropriate for Independence Day weekend! Actually the last (and only other) time we'd seen bald eagles was the same weekend six years ago on our way into British Columbia from Washington. Yay America!

We headed out of the park a little after 10am, and the line of cars coming into the park at the stop sign at one of the major intersections was already impressive. I was really glad Andy'd made me get up and get a move on.

We had lunch at the Timberline Cafe where I ate Montana Camp Stew in a bread bowl, which was a nice change of pace from the road trip food (gummy worms, pringles, ice cream) that I had been eating. Then we headed on out for a beautiful drive to Bozeman, through the Gallatin National Forest and along the Gallatin River. Had we been on the road to almost any other place it might've been a mildly frustrating drive behind the school busses making their way downriver to pick up the rafters we saw floating down the river in their helmets and wet suits.

We met up with the other runner folk at the cabin just outside Bozeman, and spent the rest of the weekend with them, hanging out, attending wedding festivities, and running ... all in beautiful places. On Saturday morning we had a group run on the Hyalite Trail, which actually ended up being a two-group run: the boys and Ruth and the girls and Nelan. Part of me wished I could hang with the boys like I would've been able to if in shape since they went further and had to turn around only because they'd hit serious snow. But as it turned out I probably enjoyed myself more (while still getting a damn good workout) than I would have with them, since even in shape I probably would have been gasping and hanging onto the group for dear life while trying not to trip.

On Sunday night before we all left we made s'mores out in the back patio fireplace under the stars. Monday morning Andy and I had the place to ourselves (again - no giggling) so we sat out in some lawn chairs on the property looking out over the mountains reading for a while in the high-60 degree dry morning. It was some coincidence that I'd picked up Zen and the Art of Motorcycle Maintenance from the library before we left: much of what I've read so far takes place right in Bozeman.

It was a truly unforgettable trip, despite a crazy neighbor of the cabin who insisted - frothily - that we were driving too fast and making too many trips down the road, despite driving slower than the allowed - but not posted - speed limit and squashing ten people into two cars on more than one occasion. The memories of this trip - the landscape and the camaraderie - will be ones I'll conjure up whenever I'm in need of a "happy place." Or just whenever I feel like it! Yay Montana!

Posted by jenandmats at 7:50 PM | Comments (4)

July 5, 2005

Big Sky Wedding

wow ...

Our friends got married this past weekend in Bozeman, MT; a place I doubt I'd ever have gotten to left to my own devices. I'm sure that at some point in my life I'd have gotten to Yellowstone, but it really just never appealed to me that much. I know I like green hills and I like ocean. I lived several years outside Yosemite, and although I have a complete appreciation for the place I always found it a little overwhelming - the valley is so narrow and the walls so high right around it. I always felt a little claustrophobic. And although it has gorgeous water falls and shady trails, my impression is that it's a dry and rocky place. I expected the same from Montana and Yellowstone.

The airport in Jackson Hole was enough to make me realize I was in for something. Wide open green spaces with gorgeous sharp peaks lining the horizon. And then immediately outside of the airport is Grand Teton National Park, where we hiked for four hours in Cascade Canyon on one side of Grand Teton after taking a short boat ride across crystal-clear Jenny Lake. Not more than an hour into the hike we came across a big male moose - complete with rack and goatee - lunching across the river from the trail. If we hadn't stared at the moose so long we likely would have seen 2 or 3 bears - people coming back on the trail we were on said they'd seen them, but by the time we got to where they were supposed to be they were nowhere in sight. They'd probably started their siesta. Andy seriously wanted to see a bear. We saw three female moose and any number of chipmunks instead. The trail we were on was beautiful with a river and any number of lush green meadows running between us and the slope of Grand Teton, but the slope of Grand Teton was what kept me mesmerized (and nearly wandering off the trail a few times.) Snow patches at the top eventually turned into waterfalls farther down. And it wasn't completely rocky except at the top - it was covered with trees and grass further down. It reminded me more of the Alps on our honeymoon - like Berchtesgaden National Park in Germany - than Yosemite.

We left the Tetons around 6pm, hoping to catch all kinds of wildlife coming out to water holes on our drive to Yellowstone. Unfortunately we didn't see much wildlife, but the scenery for most of it was beautiful - lush green fields dotted with wild flowers with the mountains off in the distance. Eventually we started coming to the southern part of the park, and I must admit it was a little disappointing after the Tetons. I remember something recently about fires in Yellowstone but can't remember the details, but miles and miles of the park alongside the road looked like a wasteland that was only recently coming to life. Burnt tree trunks - some still standing and others lying on the ground like the start of a pickup sticks game - covered the landscape as far as the eye could see. But lower to the ground in many places was row upon row of baby firs (?) So it was more like a huge wasteland doubling as a Christmas tree farm.

Entering the park at sunset was a great idea. It was the Thursday before their biggest holiday and we were heading in as others were heading out. We managed to hit Old Faithful at dusk, just in time to get comfortable and watch the show. (People around us had been waiting a while.) I was totally impressed. I don't know why I'd gotten the impression from things people told me that it wouldn't be that great, but I'm kind of glad I had that impression since I was totally surprised and giggled like a little girl the entire five minutes it was going off. We didn't linger since it was getting late and we still had a little bit of a drive to West Yellowstone. The rest of the drive - through the long twilight - was surreal. Almost the whole stretch is the hydrothermal section of the park, with steam rising up all over the place along the Firehole and Madison Rivers. With the twilight adding its own effects the whole scene reminded me of something out of a Dr. Seuss story.

And ... and ... that was just the first day and I've written a short novel. And it's late. So I guess I'll have to try again tomorrow.

Posted by jenandmats at 10:17 PM