« How Rudy's Doing | Main | Happy New Year »

Words that are too hard to write

I've been struggling of late when it comes to updating the blog. The problems is that this forum really strains to fulfill several purposes and at times the needs of each are at odds.

This is MY blog. For most of its life it was a running blog, though in reality it really started off as more of a self- involved relationship blog. More recently it functioned as a photography blog. All of it was a record of my life and my personal struggles and triumphs and whatever advice or cautionary tales I could pass along to others interested in those subjects.

And now? I guess it's more of a caregiver blog or occasionally a mommy blog (though, for the record, I DID run today). The problem is that these sorts of blogs are about people other than myself, so every entry involves at least a modest intrusion on someone else's privacy.

Besides that, it no longer really seems like an appropriate forum to just vent or gripe and complain, even if sometimes that's all I really want to do. I want to stay upbeat and positive and use the blog to share heart-warming and encouraging stories about life with MS, but lately all I want to do is just rage against the unfairness of it all. Even when there are hopeful developments to report (she's more engaged with other people, her verbal communications are easier to understand!) they tend to come with trade offs that hardly seem to justify the gains (she keeps hitting and pinching people hard with no warning and tells me that people want to kill her and that she hates me).
So, what's left is to just try, try, try to appreciate the fleeting and occasional moments of tenderness and connection that do still happen. Nathan's hugs that sometimes calm her spirit for a minute (as I hold my breath and stand ready to intervene if she suddenly grabs him too roughly) or the heartbreaking apologies and tears that sometimes come after she's said or done something particularly hurtful.
"Did you mean to hurt me mom?"
"But why did you want to hurt me?"
And in a very small, defeated voice, " I don't know..."


TrackBack URL for this entry:

Comments (1)

Tpeltier [TypeKey Profile Page]:

I was going through my cookbooks preparing for Thanksgiving and came across some handwritten recipes that mom sent me. I'm so glad I found them, and I have dad bringing up more that I found in Richmond, but it is a painful reminder of what we have lost.

I'm glad we're getting dad up here but, I know I inherited my love of cooking Thanksgiving from mom and hate the thought that I'll never get to cook for mom.

Post a comment

(If you haven't left a comment here before, you may need to be approved by the site owner before your comment will appear. Until then, it won't appear on the entry. Thanks for waiting.)


This page contains a single entry from the blog posted on November 14, 2012 11:11 PM.

The previous post in this blog was How Rudy's Doing.

The next post in this blog is Happy New Year.

Many more can be found on the main index page or by looking through the archives.

Creative Commons License
This weblog is licensed under a Creative Commons License.
Powered by
Movable Type 3.31