Change of Pace

It's a bit intimidating to try and catch up on absolutely everything here, but I wanted to try and at least hit the high points before too much more time went by.

Nathan, my mom and I made it back to St. Louis just in time to celebrate Christmas with Jack and the kids. After spending half of the fall in Ohio, it was definitely time to come home, but I still worry about my grandmother and how much the responsibility for her care weighs on my aunt and cousin in Columbus.

As soon as we got back, as in the very next day, I headed downtown for my second interview with St. Louis University. I had a great conversation with the marketing department about the integration of photography and video with web marketing and social media and after taking a little editing test, they were able to hint to me that I'd be offered the job in the next couple of days. The tentative start date is January 17 and I'm excited and scared and nervous and elated and a little stunned by how much I have to figure out between now and then.

As far as Nathan, Jack is going to take care of him during the days. I think this will be a good thing for both of them, but this means I really need to get on with the weaning process. I'm a little sad about this part of motherhood coming to an end, but it remains to be seen how graceful Nathan will be about it. I'm going to try and keep it up for a while on a reduced basis, but I'm going to have to do some reading on what works well for other working moms.

And for my mom, this may turn out to be the impetus to try out an assisted living community. As I write this, she is spending her first night at a nearby residence that we had looked into for respite care earlier in the fall. Officially, she is only there for a week, but if the week goes well, this may turn out to be a permanent move. She is very unhappy about this development and is having a difficult time getting past her anger to communicate with me at all about it. I want her to be a part of this decision and be able to share her thoughts on the various other options, but she becomes so overwhelmed by emotion when the topic comes up, it's difficult for her to form any words at all.

And the last bit of news before I crawl off to bed is the new diagnostic analysis we received after our long awaited appointment with the Washington University Memory Center doctors yesterday afternoon. After examining my mom and thoroughly interviewing both her and me, they seem to think that the dementia is almost certainly unrelated to the MS and is probably a case of early-onset Alzheimer's.

I guess in some respects, this is a scarier diagnosis just because of the visceral fear inspired by that word, Alzheimers, but really, in practical terms...this doesn't change anything at all for us. It's progressive, it's devastating, and as my mother says quite frequently, it's really not fair.

Some relatives have asked what my mom's room looks like, so I'll post a few photographs:

Four days in, it's still not clear if this assisted living thing is going to work. The staff at the facility is really nice and the other residents seem very welcoming to me, but the anxiety of the whole experience seems to have left my mom physically and emotionally drained and extremely passive.

Most of the people in my life have been very supportive of the decision to try this route, but it's still hard not to constantly question whether there is a better option out there. I was so reassured by the warmth of the nurses and aides that I met and several other residents assured me that the first week there was hard for everyone and that once someone was given a chance to adjust, they really enjoyed the sense of community and all of the activities. It sounded so promising and it really did look like everyone there was pretty active and happy.

But there have also been other things that make me doubt whether my mother's dementia has already progressed too far for this living situation to work.
I stopped in one afternoon and my mom was wandering on the 3rd floor looking for her 2nd floor room. Luckily the other residents recognize me and Nathan as being her people, so someone immediately told me where she was.

Day two of work is behind me and so far, so good. I really like all of the people I've met so far and it looks like I'll have a lot of freedom to define the specifics of this job. Actually accomplishing whatever goals I set for myself might be challenging due to a combination of office politics and institutional inertia, but it seems like shaking up the status quo might be part of the fun. The first thing I need to do is put together a wish list of computer, camera, video, audio and lighting equipment and software that I'll need to do my job, but so far I've been a little stymied by uncertainty in terms of what price point I should aim for. Particularly when it comes to buying a camera and lenses, it's hard to justify spending as much as I have on my own camera, but if I downgrade too much, then I might as well just USE my own camera. Maybe I'll leave that request until last and at least get myself set up with everything else.

Nathan has thus far tolerated my long absences remarkably well. It's best if I take the subtle approach when I leave the house and sneak out while he's still asleep or otherwise distracted, but it sounds like he and Jack have enjoyed their man time.

My only complaint is that the hour-long commute doesn't leave much wiggle time in my schedule. I leave the house at 7:30 am and get back after 6, so by the time we eat dinner (assuming I've done the prep ahead of time), put Nathan to bed and run over to visit my mom, it's already past my own bedtime. Last night, my mother had already crawled into bed when I got there, so I had to wake her up to help her change into pajamas and brush her teeth. Honestly, I'm doubtful that she even fully registered that I'd been there. I'll definitely be glad to get to the weekend so I can spend a little more meaningful time with her.

She does seem to be settling in a little better to her new surroundings. The medical directer told me that she actually seems to do best when I'm NOT there. She still tends to shut down on me whenever she gets the least bit upset or frustrated, but we're finally starting to have the occasional good visit too. We had a lovely morning last Saturday watching Nathan explore the activity room while I filed and polished her nails and she seemed to enjoy watching a movie on TV that evening with Jack, Nathan, Rudy and I.

Jack and Nathan stopped by for a brief visit this afternoon while I was at work and reported that she was absolutely chatty, though still difficult to understand. We've still got two more weeks of allowance on the respite stay before we'll need to commit to paying a sizable community fee, but I'm starting to feel a little more confident that the staff there will be able to sufficiently meet her care needs.

So all in all, the week has started off on a positive note. I'm going to take my camera in with me to work tomorrow so I can show off some of the quirkier aspects of my new workplace. Apparently the real exorcism that the Exorcist movie was based on occurred right outside my office window and there are interesting architectural oddities to the building like a door that goes nowhere and an entire wing of the fourth floor that nobody uses. If I can't find out the real stories here, I'll just have to make something up!

So the good news is:

• That I really like all of my new co-workers
• The long commute isn't getting getting on my nerves too badly yet
• My mom seems to be much less anxious and her mood has improved dramatically. She's quite chatty most days, though she's still very difficult to understand. She even appears to have a gentleman admirer who likes to sit with her during group activities. He's a pleasant enough widower, 16 years her senior, who is also facing the challenges of dementia. I think she finds his attentions quite amusing.
• After a couple of brutal nights where he cried...nay, shrieked for periods of an hour or more, Nathan only needed to be "comforted" once last night. I put that work in quotes since my gentle words of soothing generally only serve to intensify his squallings. He seems to be adjusting to full-time daddy care with much grace and good nature. I think he probably gets more chocolate during the day now, so that may be a contributing factor to the smooth transition.

• My grandmother is back in the hospital with heart issues. I'm being told the situation is serious, but I'm not sure of the exact details.
  
• One of my close circle of friends from high school passed away unexpectedly on Friday. I learned about the news this morning from a facebook posting and am still trying to get my mind around the reality of the situation. I keep fantasizing that the whole thing is just a form of social media performance art...it does seem like the type of thing he might conjure up. If only the outpourings of grief from his other friends and family didn't seem so damn sincere. I can't imagine not attending his funeral or memorial services in DC or Virginia, but at the same time, I can't imagine how I could.