Change of Pace

Everyone wants their independence, right? It's what this country was founded on.

My grandmother wants the independence of living on her own. It was something she clung to fiercely before the stroke when all signs were pointing towards her needing major assistance in her day-to-day life. Now that she's lost in a cloud and her mind is severed from a full-understanding of what she's gone through, the one thing that consistently rises to the surface is that she wants to go home and she doesn't want anyone to help her. Clearly, that is no longer a possibility, but that doesn't mean that she's not still experiencing all the anger and frustration that comes from the fact that no one will let her have what she wants.

My mother still understands that it's not practical for her to live on her own, but she still struggles with her conviction that she can do most routine tasks by herself. Up until recently, we could play it by ear...some days she could dress/undress on her own, some days her limbs would simply refuse to do as she asked. I'd let her get started on her own and then jump in as needed. Now that it's become a rare serendipity to find her already changed into/out of her pajamas, the most efficient use of our time is for me to go ahead and help out right from the beginning of the morning/nighttime routine.

Bedtimes in particular have become rough on us because of this. She's already fatigued and emotionally worn out from our days at the nursing home and lately she tends to lash out at me when I go to help her. But even if she asks for me to go away and leave her alone, I mean, that's not really an option, is it? There are definitely days I'm so exhausted and all I want to do is go to bed myself, but instead I have to wait for her to wear herself out trying to do things herself, have a cathartic emotional crying jag with her and THEN we can get to the business of getting ready for bed.

Nathan, too, is on the early cusp of the, "I can do it myself" phase, insisting on holding his spoon so that he can deliver lumps of oatmeal directly into his right ear. But in his case, I know it's a necessary process, he's only going to get better at it and I can always strip him down and dump him in the tub.

And me? I'm feeling a little less than independent these days too. I guess I should just appreciate all I can do for myself, but I definitely feel the weight of the other people who depend upon me. It's a temporary state though and I know it won't last forever. And perhaps it will serve a purpose when that day comes, far in the future, when I can be impulsive and crazy and pack my bags on a moment's notice to go someplace slightly dangerous, but very worthwhile. People go their whole lives without appreciating the periods when they can do those things and I, for one, will never take that sort of freedom for granted again.

So after nearly a month in Columbus, we're finally planning on flying back to St. Louis on Sunday. I've worn every outfit I brought with me at least three times, with some probably verging on 6 or 7 times! Luckily I overpacked for Nathan and he's got a few new things as well, so I'm not as sick of dressing my doll baby. Out of necessity, my mom has a pretty limited wardrobe, and she's said herself that she doesn't see why she can't just wear the same thing every day.

I ran out of saline solution for my contact lenses a week ago and used a bottle I found here for nearly three days before I realized the expiration date on it was not 10/11, but 11/00!!! I haven't gone blind yet though, so it must not be that big a deal.

The biggest hardship of all this time away though is of course being away from Jack. We're working our butts off as it is to try and stay connected through all of this caretaking exhaustion and while the distance does keep us from getting snippy with each other, it's not really the best thing for our relationship either. Besides that, I really don't want him to miss Nathan's first real, confident attempts at walking and we've been on the verge of that for more than a month now. And it's really not fair to Nathan or Jack how much they've had to be separated over the past year. At this point, Nathan has spent nearly 20% of his young life in a different state from his daddy!

On the plus side, I'm really glad that I've been able to contribute as a family member to the long hours with my grandmother in the nursing home. She's gotten physically stronger by leaps and bounds over the last few weeks, but her mind is still very confused. Even though we've been able to keep a family member with her pretty much constantly when she's awake, she still told one of the therapists that, "someone stops by almost every day." My aunt and cousin are not going to be able to keep up this constant companionship for much longer, but I'm glad I was able to help to make this possible during this portion of her recovery from the stroke.

The current plan is for my grandmother to move into an assisted living facility near my aunt and cousin's neighborhood on Monday. We won't be here for that, but we will be able to help with some of the move-in duties over this weekend.

The other big news is that I've put in an application for a full-time job in St. Louis had interviewed for the position via Skype this past Monday. Fingers-crossed, I think I have a good chance at getting green-lighted for this marketing job, since they are looking for someone to integrate more photo and video into their university's web presence. This would certainly mean some big changes in my life, but I think that I might have needed some impetus to make some hard decisions, especially as they relate to my mother's care. I don't even have the job yet though, so I'll save the soul searching on this topic for another post.