Change of Pace

We've been gradually child-proofing our living spaces as Nathan becomes more mobile, though his skills are developing somewhat faster than the implementation of our safety measures. Last week Jack rearranged the living room furniture to create a more open play area with better visibility and fewer exposed electrical cords and Sunday we installed a couple of new baby gates to give the nugget freer range to explore. It also gives us a break from constantly retrieving him from places he really shouldn't be.

The downside to all of this constructive activity is that it has utterly confused my poor mother. Every time she walks into the living room, she just sort of loses momentum and stands forlornly trying to figure out where she is and where it was she was trying to go. She had fallen into the habit of sitting in the same place most of the time and I'm sure she'll eventually get comfortable with the new set up, but it's probably going to take another week or two.

The baby gates just further confuse and constrict her movements around the house. Because she has so much trouble expressing herself, we're just going to have to remember to be really alert to her movements and desires. If I ask her if she'd like me to move one of the gates, she is able to say yes or no, but she won't initiate the request on her own. Jack and I and the kids are able to simply step over the gates, so we'll have to especially be careful not to go downstairs and leave her and the dog stranded in the living room!

With any luck, we'll be able to "reset" my mom's memory of the living room next weekend, when we take a quick trip to Ohio for my grandmother's birthday. I'm a little worried how the stress and fatigue of travel will affect my mom, but she really did seem so much better for a few days after our trip to Columbus last month. The last two weeks have been really rough, so I'm hoping a change of scene will do her some good.

The other obstruction I had in mind when I wrote the title to this entry has to do with a new running-related pet peeve that would never have hit my radar before Nathan showed up on the scene...also something that would never have been an issue in Central Park. People who park their cars at the end of their driveways so that they obstruct the sidewalk. How hard is it to drive just ten feet further?? Much of my running these days winds along suburban thoroughfares and this selfish, stupid practice means that I either have to run in the road with the babyjogger or swerve down one driveway into the road around the offending car and then back up the next driveway. If it was just me on foot, I probably wouldn't even notice it, but it makes it impossible to keep an even pace while maneuvering my big, baby-carrying contraption along a narrow sidewalk. And coming as it does during my desperately coveted ME time, it pisses me off on a daily basis.

So I'd had in the back of my mind that I'd try to get back up to Columbus with my mom for my grandmother's 90th birthday, but then it kind of snuck up on me and all of the sudden I was rushing to find a couple of last minute tickets. It turned out that it was actually only my grandma's 89th birthday, but my aunt pointed out that at this age, you better celebrate every birthday you get.
My grandmother has her own host of health issues she's dealing with these days, but she definitely enjoys being around Nathan. He's always doing something ridiculously cute and entertaining to make her laugh and it means a lot to me that I'll have these memories of the two of them together.

After we got back from Ohio last month, my mom really did seem more alert and conversant, so I was hopeful that maybe another few days around family might snap her out of the funk she's been in lately.

After four days of quality family time, we're back in Missouri. I do think she enjoyed the visit, but she still seems very detached and out of sorts. Getting through all of our daily routines is really frustrating for both of us. Without being able to pinpoint a reason for this recent decline, I'm finding it difficult to be optimistic that it's temporary in nature. I've resolved to try and write more upbeat entries about how my mom is doing, but right now, I'm finding that to be very challenging.

It was great to discover a running route that allows us to take off from our doorstep while avoiding any busy roads, but the neighborhoods we have to wind through are hellishly hilly. Though maybe in the long run (heh, heh...) that's a good thing, since we should be building killer quads in the process. The whole 'that which does not kill us' thing.

I took Nathan out for our first real nighttime run and he seemed to like the new perspective on the world lit by street lamps and headlights. He's got a bit of a fever right now, so he's been very tired and cranky the past few days, but the twilight run seemed to soothe him. He just sat calmly watching the world pass by for the first two and a half miles and then dozed off sometime on the way home.

Because of our travels, I'm only going to get in three runs this week, but they were good solid distances. (8.25, 5 and whatever I do today) I'm going to try and make a goal of getting in at least five runs a week from here on out and add in one day of speed work. My next 5K "time trial" is in two weeks and I'd be pretty pleased if I can shave a minute off of my first stab at the distance last month. Hmm. That comes to just over 7:15 pace, so now that I think about it, that might be a little overly ambitious.

So at today's follow-up appointment with the new neurologist, the doctor tells us that she doesn't think my mom's cognitive deterioration can be definitively attributed to her multiple sclerosis. In fact, she suspects that there is some sort of completely unrelated dementia syndrome going on. The MS might have made my mother more vulnerable, but the dementia itself is not due to that particular diagnosis.

Maybe.

I mean, no one really knows anything, but this is this doctor's hypothesis, so our next stop will be to try and get an appointment with a dementia specialist at the Washington University Memory Diagnostic Center. Who knew there were so many kinds of dementia? And apparently, there isn't really a good explanation for why most of them occur and sadly, it doesn't appear as if there are many very effective therapies out there for most of them either.

So, tomorrow morning I have an assignment to shoot for Patch.com, but then I'll give Wash. U a call and see what they can do me for. My mom is understandably not very happy with this latest turn, since it leaves us even more in the dark about why this is happening that we were before. Luckily she is usually very resilient and will hopefully wake up with this as a somewhat faded memory. If she does seem to be really down about this in the morning, I'm going to feel awful about taking off to work. I have brought her along with me in the past to photo assignments, but she always seems so lost...almost like she doesn't understand why I keep running off to take pictures instead of staying with her, so I guess it's best to just park her in front of the stupid television for a few hours.

My mom seemed in better spirits this morning, so I didn't feel too bad about going out for a photo assignment, though she still seemed a little vague on what exactly was going on. The bigger issue is my suddenly temperamental son who refuses to drink from a bottle (milk or formula) and no longer wants to eat any kind of solid food either making it impossible to leave him for more than a few hours at a time. He's like a newborn lately, wanting to nurse every two hours! Hello, kiddo...you're nearly a year old.

The photos I took were of an open house for a new school for kids with autism and it seemed like a really wonderful place. Both parents I interviewed got a little teary while talking about what the school has meant for their children. The families I met were great and it's great to see that they've found a place that's really allowing them to flourish, but I'll be glad when Nathan gets past the 18 month mark and it's clear that he's not exhibiting any signs of the condition. I'm generally not a paranoid parent, but whenever he gets frustrated and starts hitting himself in the head (which I think is pretty normal for a 10-month-old) I can't help but think, "what if..."

While I was there, I got to meet Robert Cohen, who was shooting the event for the St. Louis Post-Dispatch. I've follow his work ever since one of his big projects won an award in the big photojournalism competition I worked on in grad school, so it was a treat to get a chance to say hello in person. Again, I think photojournalists are some of the nicest people out there. I always feel encouraged and supported by the more experienced shooters and in this day and age of downsizing newspapers, that's no small thing.

I also met a young woman who just moved to St. Louis from New York to be with her boyfriend and go to grad school. It was just too much to have in common to not exchange numbers, so I'm looking forward to meeting up with her for lunch. She even said in her first email to me that she looked forward to seeing me and Nathan and my mom too....so she really does get what my life looks like. My "entourage" is part of the package.

And yesterday....no. Monday? Jeez, the days get away from me. Monday, I went running in the hilly neighborhood near our house and passed a woman pushing a stroller. We said a quick hello, but I stopped when she said her daughter's birthday was October 3rd. Playdate Alert! So we chatted a bit and hopefully we can meet up at a nearby playground sometime soon. It's a little early for the kids to actually play with each other, but it would be nice just to find another mommy friend, particularly one who is at least over thirty.

Let's face it, there's really nothing funny about incontinence. The third day of a febrile infant is something short of hilarious. I am not reduced to giggles when I run downstairs to change a dirty diaper and return to find four loads of neatly folded laundry lying in a jumbled pile at my mother's feet. But what other options do I have when this is my life?
My mother's dog is now on as many medications as she is, but he requires a little more in the way of dietary bribery to take his. I didn't even notice until a few days ago that they form the shape of a jaunty little character. Mr. PB Face. I suppose he showed up to remind me to be amused when what I really want to do is cry. Or at the very least, to just relax and go with the flow.

Like the day that I couldn't find the box containing most of my marathon medals and had to confront the very real possibility that my mom had "put them away" in the bag of trash that had just been hauled to the dump. Lots of deep breaths and self-reminders to keep things in perspective and eventually I did find them, jumbled in a pile of colorful ribbons in the bottom of my mother's suitcase. Why they were there...who knows. My mom didn't have any memory of ever seeing them, much less squirreling them away in her luggage.

The speech therapist suggested that I should really consider some sort of therapy or support group. She must have sensed a little of my frustration when I told her that my mom was having trouble communicating the reasons behind some of her actions when she gently took me aside to remind me that there probably really aren't reasons for a lot of her actions at this point. For me to press her to explain herself just creates more anxiety for both of us, so I'm just going to have to learn to let it go and move on to the next thing. Put the marathon medals in a safer place, pick up the laundry and fold it again and make sure both my mother and her difficult puppy dog are offered lots of opportunities to empty their bladders.

As for the support group/counseling idea, it really is something I'll have to look into. On the one hand, it's just one more thing to fit into the schedule. Jack already watches the baby while I work my weekly freelance assignment and on the days I just can't face pushing the babyjogger up the hills on my run, so it means asking him to take on another few hours of baby/mother-in-law duty. In the long run though, maybe our relationship would be well-served by my having this type of emotional support and a venue to vent a little bit. This has got to be one of the most profound stresses for a couple to endure, so anything that gives us better odds of surviving this ordeal as partners has got to be worth a shot.

We got up early this morning to do speed work at the high school track and it felt pretty darn good to rev up the engines. Almost all of my recent running has been hot, slow and hilly, and it was nice to stretch out a little bit.

Since I've only even hit 20 miles for the week a couple of times so far, I didn't go crazy with the workload.

After jogging an easy 800, I did 4x200m at :45 w/100m slow jog rest, 2x400m w/ 2 min. walk rest, then 4x200m again, also at :45. I was aiming for 7 min. pace for the 400s, but ended up closer to 6:30. If I'd been doing more quarters, I'd probably consider that a "mistake," but since this workout felt more like a fun, confidence booster for the 5K next Sunday, I think it was fine. The whole workout was only about 3 miles, so I'm guessing I won't even feel it tomorrow. Jack wasn't as thrilled with his workout, but I think he'll benefit from the upcoming easy week of rest. And there was a rainbow over the track when we finished up, so that was kind of cool.

Things at home are still draining, but when I was hammering down the straightaways, totally focused on my breathing and my pace, all those stresses disappeared for a few minutes. It's 11 'o clock at night now, but it kinda makes me want to go out and hit the track again right now...

So Nathan is asleep in his car seat on the floor in front of me, but he keeps stirring as if he's about to wake up. I've got that classic VanDamme flick "Bloodsport" playing and I'm the 80's synthesizer soundtrack is seeping into his developing psyche. I consider the film to be an essential part of my marathon preparation, so I need him to grow up and appreciate its power. But for now, he needs to keep sleeping so I can blog.

Let's see...updates for the week:

Jack and I ran a dinky little, local 5k this morning and I shaved nearly a minute and a half off of my time from the last one I did. It says something about the caliber of field that the first finisher in the 20's age group was THIRTIETH, but I really can't complain since the lack of serious competition meant that I got to win my age group. This was probably my last race as a non-master, how weird is that? Anyhoo, I finished in 22:08 -- well under my goal time of 22:30. Jack did okay, but was a little disappointed in his finishing time. He's been running more mileage and doing more speed work than me, so we'll have to sit down and figure out how he needs to tweak his plan to get the results he wants. I guess I'll keep doing what I'm doing; gradually increasing my weekly mileage (I'm at a measly 20/wk now) and adding in the occasional track workout. I'm not signed up for any other races right now, but I think I'd like to try for a 10k in mid-October.

On the Mom front, she seemed fairly lucid today, but it's been a tough couple of weeks. We're doing one last appointment for both Speech Therapy and Occupational Therapy this week and upping the Physical Therapy to hour-long sessions twice a week for the next couple of weeks. At that point we'll have to see if we can clearly define any ways that it's actually helping in order to justify insurance coverage, but if we can't, that may be it for the therapy. Even if we ultimately decide that there haven't been any real improvements due to the sessions, it was still worth the effort. Of course that doesn't mean that our schedule of medical appointments will suddenly clear out. We still have a yearly physical and a neuro-ophthalmologist scheduled for this week and then we need to get an appointment with the neurologists at the Wash. U. Memory Center and a dentist appointment and probably a dermatologist too.

Oops, Nathan's starting to whimper. Guess I'm about done anyway... the only other thing I was going to mention was that I finally jammed one of my mom's MS syringes into my thumb, but that was really only a matter of time. I'm not exactly sure how needles work, but I guess that little poke was enough to blunt it slightly because when I went to give her the shot after that, I really had to push to make the injection. I felt really bad about that, but since I think each injection costs almost $300, it's not like you can just throw one away. I'll just have to be more careful in the future.