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August 9, 2006
Apologies, Apologies
I am not too sure if anyone stops by anymore, but I have held my breath long enough. Maybe I am writing into oblivion tonight, but that is okay with me. I am not exactly in the most rational, fresh, or warm state of mind. There are too many layers to unravel and too many unknowns at this point to make any grand declarations. All that I know is that I am damn sad and I need to pick up my head, pick up the pieces, and take a few steps forward.
I have not run much since the Boston Marathon as a result of a few injuries that spiraled out of control. My ITB improved to the point that I could run 40 minutes at a time. For a while I ran 40 minutes in the AM and 40 minutes in the PM. Then one day I got brave and decided to relive one of my favorite 10 mile routes. I was in running heaven as my feet stamped the lakefront path and the wind gently whispered in my ears . . . the run felt like a dream, but the dream ended in a nightmarish 3 days off and a hell-uv-a-lot of pain. So I slowly inched my way back to 40 minutes in the AM and nothing in the PM.
Two weeks ago things went completely downhill . . . my lower back simply gave out, exhaled in exhaustion, and took me to the ER (not a fun place to end up at 8AM on a friday morning). While the pain could be a simple strain, the doctor is concerned that I have a lower back stress fracture and possibly osteopenia in my spine. That's a lot to digest and it's a reality that I do not want to face. I have had a dull ache in my lower back for over a year; it was never a debilitating pain and it never kept me from running. But somewhere in the dark crevices of my mind, I wondered, "what if . . . no, it can't be. I am healthy. I get my period. I take my calcium, etc, etc."
I am not ready to unzip the struggles of my past, but they are many and they may be the reason that I am facing this stark reality at the ripe old age of 26. I don't want to be another female running casualty or a cautionary tale. Maybe I am being neurotic and overly paranoid. Maybe I am absolutely fine and I just need to rest for another 4-6 weeks. I don't know, but my gut is telling me that I may be facing something a little more serious than just a few weeks off . . . and I pray to whatever gods or goddesses out there that my gut is dead wrong.
Regardless of the results of my MRI, this has been an unwelcome wake up call that will eventually transition into a welcome one as soon as I figure out what to do with myself. Fortunately, I start teaching in 3 weeks and I am taking 3 classes . . . I am going to be so busy that I will not have time to dwell in puddles that I cannot drain. It is what it is and I have to accept that . . . and I have to be grateful that whatever injury I have will heal in time. Life is not over. Running is not over . . . I may never run another 70 mile week in my life or a 2:47 marathon, but I am actually (surprisingly) okay with that.
If Carrie is reading this, all I can say is "Thank you." You keep me sane. And so does my twin sister, Aine ;) And Rosie and Colleen and Katie and Pat and Mom and Dad and, of course, B.
The irony is too much: Now Playing: Coldpay "Fix You."
Posted by bridget at August 9, 2006 9:53 PM
Comments
It is really, really, nice to see you back! Big issues but you'll be fixed. Bones fix. I've broken and fractured a lot of them, both legs included. Left foot. Wrists. Tooth. Arm. Still here to write and run. As a quick thought, Merlene Ottey is 46 and she's still going very strong, enough to qualify for a 100m European Athletics C'ships semifinal. You have at least 20 years to make a comeback and do all that you want to do and make you happy :)
Posted by: corrado giambalvo at August 10, 2006 5:02 AM
Thanks to RSS feeds, it's easy to know when you've updated, so many of us keep informed that way. It's great to hear from you again, though it's very sad that you're bearing bad news.
I'm sorry to hear about this setback and I really hope that the damage is temporary. Either way, I think that you will rebound well and make the best of the situation eventually.
It's interesting that you raise the issues of your past as a possible factor here. I had poor nutrition/eating issues for a span of time during junior high, and I had a series of stress fractures that lasted until about age 21. I do think that those injuries were probably related, but the damage was also apparently reversible, because I haven't had a bone injury (or anything serious at all) in about 10 years now. Some of it probably has to do with how much damage occurs, and at what age, but I believe that to some extent, it is very much reversible.
Good luck in dealing with this. While I am sad and worried for you, I know you're going to be okay because of who you are. You have so many things going for you, so many interests, and so many talents that I am sure you will rebound in spectacular fashion, whether it's as a runner, an academic, a mentor to young girls, or whatever you put your mind to.
Good luck and hang in there!
Posted by: Alison at August 10, 2006 10:49 AM
bridget...no matter what happens you know i will always be your lucy...many hugs...MOM XXXXX
Posted by: mom at August 10, 2006 6:52 PM
Bridget, I'm so glad to hear from you. I'm so sorry you are going thru so much right now. Take it one day at time and heal, mind,body and soul. The running Gods will never, ever leave you behind.
Posted by: Dawb at August 10, 2006 9:21 PM
ughhh...nooooo!!! all i can say is, you are probably feeling right now like your mind is all full and foggy and how could you possibly ever think about anything else again. sitting here 6 months after hearing my news, i dont yet know what is to come for my body. what i can tell you is that life does go on after hearing this, and you do start to think/care about other things, and your mind does clear up and you will feel like this is just a condition that you may have to be conscious of in your life and deal with, just like other people deal with different things every day. i promise. i love you bridget!
Posted by: katie at August 11, 2006 9:00 AM
Sorry to hear of your injuries... Good luck, I really can't say much that hasn't already been said.
Glad to hear you've updated, though!
Posted by: Amanda at August 11, 2006 2:14 PM
I'm so happy to see you're back! I've actually missed your comments - despite having never met you, I was excited about your race in Boston and the weeks leading up to it. Hang in there, and don't give up - you're way too good!
Posted by: Jodi at August 12, 2006 2:16 PM
Stay strong Bridget - you've shown your mental toughness up to this point and even though I've never met you I have faith you can dig deep and get through this bump in the road too - somehow I just know you're a tough cookie (even if your body is challenging you to prove it!) Take it slow and yes, focus on your classes and teaching right now - teaching's got me through some tough times before just because you know you're having a positive impact right there in that moment =) Allow yourself some self-pity, then pick yourself up, dust yourself off - and be kind to yourself!
Posted by: clyne at August 14, 2006 11:39 AM
of course i'm reading this, silly! i've been checking your site for the last month hoping against hope that you'll let the cat out of the bag.
i love you so much. you keep ME sane. you're strong and fierce and you are going to be cruising past annoying CARA groups for YEARS to come. own up to the past, embrace it, and then let it go. look ahead, sister. you've got a hell of future.
Posted by: carrie g. at August 14, 2006 8:04 PM
Welcome back!! I've been checking in on you in more than a few ways. I hope and pray you recover from this, but you have greater things on the horizon.
Posted by: TJ at August 16, 2006 8:56 AM