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July 9, 2008
This Is Life
Well, I have to admit, it's been a tough couple of days.
First and foremost is the fact that my grandmother is very sick. She has been courageously fighting a battle with pancreatic cancer for the past year. There have been ups and downs but unfortunately I think her battle is soon to come to an end.
I love my grandmother dearly. And I have so many wonderful, wonderful memories of her both as a child and as an adult. I can remember shopping trips to an outlet mall in Reading, PA each year for school clothes with her, my sister and my mother. I can remember her taking us to the barn where we rode horses. I can remember running around their big, old house and hiding in the laundry chute. I can remember running like crazy with her away from a big black snake we encountered near their shed one day. I can remember picking berries off the berry bushes they had in their yard. I can remember how my sister and I used to not let her leave out the door until she gave us a kiss.
As an adult my memories mostly center around holidays. Her Thanksgiving meal is to die for. I distinctly remember a Christmas not so long ago when every single one of the rooms in my grandparent's house was filled with someone. Everyone comes back home to grandma's house for the holidays.
I've learned a lot about my grandmother over the past year. She was diagnosed with the cancer just about 1 year ago and subsequently had surgery at the hospital where I work. I was lucky in that I was able to go to almost all her doctors appointments with her and when she was actually in the hospital I could see her each day.
The week before I left for Chicago she was back in and before, during or after work I would go to pay a visit every day. Although very fatigued she was always willing to talk and I feel very fortunate to have had that time to tell her all the things I want her to know.
Like the fact that I love her very much and that I think she is one of the most courageous people I've ever known. And that she is very brave to fight the battle she has fought. And that I'm so thankful that she is MY grandmother. I told her that if there is one person who defines selflessness it is her. For her whole entire life she has given tirelessly to her family and to her church. And asked nothing in return.
By the time I returned from Chicago she was back home but only for a short period. She's now back in her local hospital. Yesterday O and I went to visit and my whole family was there. My father and uncle and of course my grandfather. My mother had spent a whole week there and my sister and brother in law were up from North Carolina as well. And while my grandmother is slowly slipping away I do believe she was lucid enough to know we were all there and that we all love her so much.
I'd be lying if I didn't say my heart is aching a little. My grandmother is a Christian and no doubt headed for a much better place than this earth. But I am selfish and I want her here so that we can have more time together. On my drive into work this morning I was surprised to feel my eyes well up in tears a little as I waited in traffic on the 40th Street Bridge. I'm largely an unemotional person, especially outwardly. But this is hard.
I take solace in a verse from Corinthians I know my grandmother would know off by heart: "Death is swallowed up in victory. O Death, where is thy sting? O Grave, where is thy victory…. Thanks be to God who giveth us the victory through our Lord Jesus Christ."
And I take solace is something I've always taken solace in - training. At a time like this I am so thankful to have running, swimming and biking, sometimes so I can just get away and think or sometimes so I can just NOT think. Like my ride this evening. I didn't want to go at first and when I started I was hot and my legs were tired and my mind was racing with a million thoughts. But 2 hours and 38 miles later I felt great. My mind was clear and I was able to finally quiet all the madness in my brain. My heart is still heavy but that's to be expected.
I got a call from my mom this afternoon telling me that today, of all days, she had to put their dog down. When it rains it pours right? But, as my blog title suggests, this is life. Not the best sometimes but we get through. We all get through in different ways but we do get through. I get through because I have a faith in God that won't be shaken. And because I've been blessed with people in my life that will help me get through. Doesn't make it easy, but nobody every promised that.
Posted by beth at July 9, 2008 8:36 PM
Comments
Oh, Beth. I am so sorry! Sick loved ones is one of the HARDEST things to go through. It is hard to watch the ones you love suffer and you feel like you can never do enough for them. I will be thinking GOOD thoughts for your g-ma and hope she is not in any pain and does OK thru all of this. Hang in there. Jen H.
Posted by: Jennifer Harrison at July 9, 2008 10:43 PM
ohhhhhhh beth :( i'm so sorry. i knew something was wrong when you hadn't blogged... take care of each other.
Posted by: Audrey at July 9, 2008 10:50 PM
I'm so sorry to hear about everything.
I'll be thinking postiive thoughts for you and your Grandma.
Posted by: maija at July 10, 2008 5:13 AM
praying for you and your grandmother...
Posted by: Kranky C Dale at July 10, 2008 8:11 AM
My thoughts and prayers are with you Beth, and I understand how you feel "selfish." I went through much of the same with my own Grandmother. I remember sitting by her bed and praying.... I gave permission for God to take her because she was so sick. That night she died. It was so difficult becauze I was so torn. So allow yourself to be lost in the miles, your Grandmother would want you to be living, and she'd want you to be smiling. Much love and prayers to you and your family. :-) Mary
Posted by: mary at July 10, 2008 10:19 AM
My thoughts and prayers are with you Beth, and I understand how you feel "selfish." I went through much of the same with my own Grandmother. I remember sitting by her bed and praying.... I gave permission for God to take her because she was so sick. That night she died. It was so difficult becauze I was so torn. So allow yourself to be lost in the miles, your Grandmother would want you to be living, and she'd want you to be smiling. Much love and prayers to you and your family. :-) Mary
Posted by: mary at July 10, 2008 10:19 AM
Sorry to hear about the painful times, but you have your outlet, and with your great attitude you can keep it all in perspective. Cherish the memories, and consider yourself lucky to have them.
Hang in there, Beth!
Posted by: Cathy Yndestad at July 10, 2008 11:28 AM
Hey Beth, I am so sorry to hear she is not doing well, but take solace in the fact that you know when the time comes, no more pain and no more hurting, only rejoicing when an child comes home. I'll be thinking of your family. Take care & hopefully we'll talk soon.
Posted by: Kim at July 10, 2008 2:43 PM
Oh Beth, I'm so sorry to read this. However, as sad and small and powerless as you may feel, this blog entry is filled with strength and courage and hope. I suspect you have a lot of your grandmother in you, and that will carry you through this time. Thinking and praying for you.
Meghan
Posted by: Meghan at July 10, 2008 8:58 PM
Beth, I am so sorry to hear about your grandma.
Even if it is the right time it does not make it any easier, I will be thinking of you and your family. Stay strong, you are such a strong and positive person that I know you will.
Posted by: barb at July 11, 2008 12:25 PM