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April 22, 2007
Mental Meltdown
So today I had my first mental meltdown in a while. Well, my first big one in a while anyway. (not a day goes by that I don't have some sort of small meltdown about something... :) I think this meltdown has been brewing for a while but finally came to a head today - and it was fatigue (both mental and physical) that pushed me over the edge.
You see I like to think I'm invinsible but this just isn't the case. And today that became very evident when I just simply became too overwhelmed with it all. Of course poor O got the brunt of it. But I think I'm all better now. At least until my next major meltdown. :)
I guess it's sort of hard to explain - some may understand and some may not. It goes something like this - I have a lot to do and I'm worried about getting all my training in for the day. I'm tired, sometimes tired to my very core, because, quite frankly 18-20 hours of training/week is hard for me. I think maybe I should skip a workout but I'm not so sure because do I want to skip it because I need to or because I'm just being lazy? Then I start to feel the pressure of the situation - the sacrifices that I have made for this dream, but even more so, the sacrifices others (as in my husband) has made for this dream ON BEHALF of me. Then the thinking goes...what if this all doesn't work out - I don't do well and we've spent all this money and all this time and all this sweat and tears and pain...all for naught? What if? As you can imagine, things go downhill from there. :)
It's a unique situation that I'm in and I find that I sometimes can't find people who can totally understand how I feel and that makes me feel even more hopeless/overwhelmed. I get a lot of "oh you are so lucky to be able to do this, work less (that's the big one), train more, etc..." and I think that's where some of the pressure arises. And sometimes I think - it would be easier just to back down a little. Don't train so much or hard, don't worry so much about sleep and stretching and massage, compete locally instead of traveling to bigger races, go back to work full time and lessen the financial burden I've placed upon O.
But that would be giving up my dream I suppose. And I'm not prepared to do that.
O talked me down. Told me that no matter if I never won another race, the fact that we gave it all we had to give was much more important...and I wouldn't have to wonder "what if". He told me that the only thing that would make all of this "not worth it" was if I quit now. He told me to take one day at a time.
I'm making this sound all so very dramatic - as if it's a life or death situation! And that it is not, I know. It was just one of those days when I needed to somehow release all the pressure that had been building. And when I needed a little extra assurance that going after it was the right choice to make.
I took the afternoon off training (meaning I skipped a swim and an easy bike), my first workouts I've not done since I started with my new coach. More than anything I needed to let the mental fatigue subside. I needed to get caught up with my life. I needed to recharge for the upcoming week. Because I'm determined not to give up on this. I'm determined to push ahead and see just what exactly it is I have in me.
Summary for the week:
Monday - 20 min run in am, 1000 yd swim and 45 min ride in pm
Tuesday - 3000 yd swim in am, 61 min bike w/intervals and 60 min run in pm, 2x25 pushups, 2x100 crunchers
Wednesday - 4500 yd swim in am, 30 min run and lifting session in pm
Thursday - 66 min fartlek run and 2:15 ride in am
Friday - 3500 yd swim in am, lifting session in pm
Saturday - 4 hour ride (~72 miles)
Sunday - 1:30 run in am, rest of the day off
Posted by beth at April 22, 2007 4:02 PM
Comments
Hi Beth. There are few things as awesome as giving something your complete all. And I know you are.
Way to keep at it.
Posted by: Audrey at April 22, 2007 5:38 PM
It's good to know you're human :-)
Posted by: Alison at April 22, 2007 5:52 PM
I likened it to if the shoe was on the other foot--what if I had the chance to play minor league baseball for a few years? Would it be worth it to put in the time and put some things of life on hold? Even if I never made it past the lowest level? You bet--just the experience of having a chance to chase a dream of being a major league baseball player would be so exciting. We'll see where this triathlon experience takes us...
Posted by: O at April 22, 2007 9:28 PM
Beth,
I'm wagering a bet that the feelings you have/had are completely normal for someone who is doing what you are doing. You are bearing big physical and mental burdens, which you described well in this blog entry. Sometimes the burdens feel lighter, sometimes heavier. Today is a heavier day.
I can totally understand the pressure that you feel, what with all that you've devoted to your cause. Most of the time that kind of pressure is the motivating fuel for the fire, you know? I'm sure it will feel that way again soon.
I hope you don't beat yourself up for your "meltdown" or for skipping two workouts. Chalk it up to some mental heath time and allow the break to recouperate you in the way that you need.
Thinking of you Beth! And hoping tomorrow will be a brighter day for you. I'm thinking right now of the verse that is your email signature line and how it might comfort you.
Posted by: Meghan at April 22, 2007 9:31 PM
O how sweet. O sounds like a keeper!
Posted by: dawn at April 23, 2007 1:02 AM
TRANSFORMATIONS: Beth, it's not just win or lose. You are going PRO.
In a sense this means you are changing "jobs." And because you are a smart woman, you are expending a bit more energy to do it cautiously.
And part of the heightened mental stress is a function of having two jobs, so to speak. You are not betting your savings at the casino. The more to you.
It could be like if you were, say, a civil engineer by day, and the started to bus tables at night - not to become a professional bus-boy or waiter - but to have your own specialty restaurant, and make it one of the best.
The very hard part at this stage, is that you are still making investments - partly to get a real good picture of what the restaurant business is like. And you've hardly been in the kitchen with the chef to invent new recipes... Yet that's where you are heading.
The way you are pursuing Triathloning, there is no way you will ever be able to say "it was all for naught." Not even if you quit now. You have achieved extremely high and beneficial results. And not just for you. How about that? How much is that worth?
You have been adding layers of experience, knowledge and strength which are unremovable. The rate of "layering" will at times slow down because you need to recover, from being so constructive. Even after you build a house, you need to let the walls settle a little.
But, the way you are doing things, there is no way you can be "stripped" of what you have gained. Yours is not a gamble. You are on a project. A very exciting one. A race, or indeed a racing season will not determine anything either way, win or lose.
What is indicative that you ARE a champion is the way you are doing things. Moreover having to "understand" those around you - who, to cite one example, think of you as having more time off...
And remember: you are on a team. And O is no less a champion than you are.
Keep chopping wood. It's not my style, but i know it works for you. So don't forget it. The pile of timber you chop, will make any dream you think yo have pale by comparison. What you are doing is very real.
So, sometime take a rest, to look at that mountain of wood you chopped - just :-) for :-) a laugh :-) question your environmental-friendliness - and let it sink in.
It tells the whole story.
Posted by: corrado giambalvo at April 23, 2007 7:16 AM
praying for you always....
Posted by: Kranky C Dale at April 23, 2007 8:32 AM
Remember when you were in college and doubting your career and running decisions, you asked us when the college experience would be fun? You met O and everything fell into place. Now you are having the same doubts and wondering if your efforts will be fruitful. You still have O and this wonderful community of runners, swimmers and cyclists to get you through the experience. For that you are the luckiest person. Always remember to ask for help from those around you; it will ease your doubts even if we haven't been through the experience.
Posted by: Nadine at April 23, 2007 10:21 AM
Hi Beth, Everyone's comments are amazing and great. Corrado's words said everything very well. You are truly on a journey of self exploration and you will not fail! You are fitting so much in your day! Don't take anything for granted and be really proud of everything you have accomplished so far and be excited for what is waiting for you ahead! You have many "trials" ahead of you that will bring you enlightenment, joy, and happiness. And while not everyone can relate to the amount of training you do which is incredible, almost everyone can relate to feeling like they don't want to even do the one workout they have on their plate. And that's not a good feeling.. so being good to your body and mind and taking a day off for mental peace and rest is important and meaningful. You are experiencing signs of over-training which hopefully have been released with the afternoon off and some venting!! Stay positive and open to all of the experiences you are bound to have along the way! Best wishes!
Posted by: Mary at April 23, 2007 9:37 PM